For men who have engaged in family and domestic violence

Well done on finding your way here. If you have been, or are being, abusive towards your partner or ex-partner, the most difficult part can be admitting your behaviour is wrong.

This resource is for men who have engaged in family and domestic violence (FDV) and want to change their behaviour, realising it impacts on their children’s mental health and wellbeing.

Children are impacted by FDV even if it is not directed at them. They are not passive ‘witnesses’ to violence towards their mother or other family members – they have their own experience of it too.

Any type of behaviour used to harm, threaten or control someone you’re in an intimate or family-like relationship with is family and domestic violence. It’s not just physical abuse – it includes emotional, sexual, psychological and financial abuse and stalking.

We acknowledge that both men and women can use violence towards a partner or family member. In most cases of FDV (at least four out of five¹), the violence is perpetrated against women by men.

If you are reading this resource, it suggests that you’ve realised your behaviour has got in the way of you being the father or stepfather you want to be. Taking responsibility for your behaviour and seeking help to change is the first step.

• Taking responsibility for your behaviour and seeking help to change are the first steps in becoming the kind of man, and father, you want to be.
• The most important thing is that children don’t blame themselves. When men who have used violence own their behaviour, this can help children know that it is not in any way their fault.
• Rebuilding a relationship with your child or children will take time. Being reliable (showing up when you say you will), finding healthy ways to manage your emotions and consistently making choices and behaving in ways that align with the parent you want to be.

For healthy development and good mental health throughout life, children need to feel safe and know their parents (and other important adults in their lives) value and care about them.

Some men who have used family and domestic violence (of any type) – towards their child, their child’s mother or both – really care about their child’s wellbeing and safety. They often didn’t plan or intend to harm their child.

Any type of violent, controlling or threatening behaviour that harms a mother also causes harm to her child, even if you think they didn’t see it or were too young to understand.

Children say before they can start rebuilding positive relationships, they need their fathers to:

• admit responsibility – not blame anyone else for their actions
• acknowledge the impacts it has or had on the child
• show they’re changing their attitudes and behaviours towards the child’s mother, not just the child
• tell the child what they are doing or planning to do to change.²

The most important thing is that children don’t blame themselves. Men who have used violence can own that behaviour and support children to know that it is not their fault. You might do this by acknowledging it with your child. For example, you might say, ‘It must have been really hard on you’, or ‘You should never have had to try to keep your mum safe’.

Rebuilding a relationship with your child or children will take time. You’ll need to win back their trust by showing stability and predictability. That means being reliable (e.g. showing up when you say you will), finding healthy ways to manage your emotions and consistently making choices and behaving in ways that align with the parent you want to be.

You can also rebuild trust by respecting the wishes of your child and not putting pressure on them if they don’t want to spend time with you, especially while you are still learning to change your behaviour. You might let them know you’d like to see or talk with them but add something like: ‘I understand you might not be ready to do that yet. Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready.’

In the following video (1 minute, 25 seconds), a child mental health professional talks about the importance of acknowledging your behaviour and the impact it has had on your children and your relationship with them.

As Dan said in the video, it’s hard for any parent to admit when their behaviour has not been the best for their children. It’s a difficult step but an important one if you want to work towards being the parent you want to be and strengthen or rebuild a relationship with your children.

It means admitting that using violence is a choice, that no one else is to blame for it, and that the behaviours you chose to use have caused harm to your partner or ex-partner and your children.

Make some time to try to imagine what your child (or each of your children) might have been thinking and feeling. It can also be helpful to think about how your behaviour has affected your child and their relationship with you. With this in mind, consider the following questions:

• What is important to you as a father? How do you show your child these things are important to you?
• How do you think your child would describe their relationship with you?
• What kind of father would you like to be?
• Do you think your use of violence could be affecting your relationship with your child? In what ways? What have you noticed?
• What does it feel like to know your behaviour has had that effect on them?
• Is that the sort of relationship you want to have with them – or would you prefer a different relationship?
• Have there been times when you have stopped your use of violence after noticing how it’s affecting your child? What made you stop?
• Have you had any conversations that have helped your child to understand that the violence is not their fault in any way?
• What steps are you going to take next to help your relationship with your child?

These can be tough questions to think about. Your answers might bring up feelings of shame about things you have done, realising what your behaviour looks like through your child’s eyes and how it impacted them.

It’s normal and healthy for these realisations to bring up feelings of shame. What would it say about you if you didn’t feel ashamed?

Many men decide it’s easier to ignore it and not admit that their behaviour is wrong or that it harms their children.

The braver thing to do – and only way to regain your child’s trust – is to acknowledge your behaviour and get support.

Violent, coercive or controlling behaviours can get in the way of being the dad you want to be – which is often very different to the dad you had.

Generally, men need expert help to be able to stop using violence and challenge beliefs they’ve used justify their behaviour.

You can call one of the support lines below to have a confidential chat and find out about men’s behaviour change programs or individual counselling:

• No to Violence (1300 766 491) is the national referral service working with men to end family violence. Counsellors are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
• MensLine (1300 789 978) provides information, counselling and referrals to men with concerns about their mental health, anger management, addiction, family and domestic violence or any other issue affecting their wellbeing. Phone and online counselling are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Many men who use violence experienced family and domestic violence or other types of abuse when they were children. If that is the case for you, it’s essential to get professional help to understand and process your own experience. This will help you to focus on what your child needs and build a positive relationship with them going forward.

Make an appointment with your GP or call the Medicare Mental Health hotline on 1800 595 212 to get a referral to a mental health specialist who can give you the support you need.

1. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2018). Family, domestic and sexual violence in Australia 2018 (Cat. no. FDV 2). Australian Government.
2. Lamb, K., Humphreys, C., & Hegarty, K. (2018). “Your behaviour has consequences”: Children and young people’s perspectives on reparation with their fathers after domestic violence. Children and Youth Services Review, 88(May 2018), 164–169. DOI: 10.1016/j.childyouth.2018.03.013.