Transcript for
How to help children adjust to a new baby in the family

Narrator (00:02): 

Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families Podcast. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (00:05): 

Hi, I’m Nadia Rossi and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. Before we start today’s episode, we would like to pay respect to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia. 

(00:34): 

Welcoming a new baby can be joyful, but the transition can also bring big changes for firstborn children and their parents. And many parents can find themselves wondering how to support everyone’s needs during this time. In today’s episode, we’re talking about helping parents and children adjust to a new sibling and how small moments of connection can make a meaningful difference. I’m joined by Gen Muir, a social worker, parent educator, founder of Connected Parenting, and mum of four. Gen brings both professional insight and lived experience to this conversation and shares practical, reassuring ways to understand children’s big feelings during times of change. And so let’s jump into my conversation with Gen. 

(01:18): 

Thank you, Gen, so much for speaking with us today. This is a little almost full circle moment for me. I’ve been following you and your content since I think my second daughter was born, and so it’s a very cool opportunity for me to sit down and talk with you. Your content has resonated with me so much as a second time mum and leads into this topic that we’re going to talk to, but you really, I don’t know, I just felt like such a normal, whatever normal is, person when I was reading your content. 

Gen Muir (Guest) (01:47): 

That’s what I try to do because it’s a real passionate area of mine, and that probably comes across because I think it is a huge transition that we don’t prepare parents enough for. So I’m excited to be chatting about it. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (01:59): 

Well, let’s just get into it, shall we? Gen, for many parents, the move from one child to two can feel really big. From your experience, what tends to make this transition particularly challenging for parents and for the firstborn children? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (02:14): 

So much. So I’ve just walked out of a class supporting parents that had just had their second baby with the adjustment. And there was a mum asked how it was going, and she broke down immediately after that first question because her older child had come in to visit the new baby that day, and he’d cried when leaving. And I really wanted to stop and make space for that because there is so much going on in that mum’s tears, which I’ll unpack what’s going on. 

(02:39): 

So first of all, for the mum, first of all, she’s got this beautiful, deep relationship that’s built over two or three years with the older child. And there’s a part of us, I think, that wonders if our hearts can make space for a second person. So there is some grief involved for a mum in thinking, can I manage or how will this impact this beautiful relationship that I’ve had? 

(03:02): 

Secondly, I think there is just that worry. We’re just aware. Suddenly our older child has to go through one of the biggest shifts to their world that they will ever go through. And I think our heart breaks at the thought of them struggling, of them missing us, of them feeling jealous. All of those things feel really hard. 

(03:19): 

And the third thing is then our kids, of course, they do naturally show us in different ways, like that little boy cried. I’ve got so many other stories of the different and quirky ways kids will show that they’re not sure about this. And I think when our kids show that, we perceive that as a failure and we think, oh no, it’s not going well. Whereas I would argue all of that is so normal. For a mum to go from having just one child to spreading her heart into having two is a huge leap in our parenting journey, huge adjustment in terms of that process of being a parent. And for the child sharing you with someone new is this massive, huge adjustment. 

(04:00): 

And ultimately, I think the question our kids are asking us but can’t articulate is, what does this mean for us? Or deeper than that, is there enough love for me and this baby? And the beautiful thing is showing them that there is enough love is easier than we think, and it is simpler than we think. We just have to know what question we’re answering. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:19): 

And it really leads me into this next question of how do we actually help our children feel secure when there is another baby on the way? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (04:28): 

I think the first thing that we can do is know that developmentally it would make sense for our kids to struggle. So I think if we’re prepared in the first place, that makes a huge difference. And I think that society will tell you when you’re expecting a second baby, listen, you’re going to be fine. You’ve done this before, and so you’ll be tired, but you’ll be fine. And it’s not quite the right advice because what they’re talking about there is the baby. And what I find is that most parents feel much more confident and comfortable with the care of the second child. That goes easier. But where our hearts are is with the older child. 

(04:59): 

So if we can have parents know in advance that when you see a bit of struggle, whether that be in the first meeting or in the weeks or months that follow, that that would make sense, then that’s 90% of the battle I reckon because then you’re like, oh, this is normal. If we know it’s normal, we don’t think, oh no, this is because I’m creating a bond that isn’t going to work or I’ve done it wrong or I haven’t done enough to prepare my child. So knowing it’s normal for our kids to show a bit of struggle, amazing. 

(05:24): 

And then, we can prep. So the way that I would prep a child, I wouldn’t overdo it, but I would start to introduce, obviously we want to talk about the baby and talk about the fact rather than say, “It’s going to be amazing. It’s going to be your best friend. It’s just going to be the best thing ever,” which they’re not the best, best friends at first, if we’re being honest. We’re much better to say, “Look, a baby’s coming and there’ll be some nice things about it, and there’ll be some things that are hard. Babies can cry and they can be a bit boring, and sometimes we have to leave the park early because the baby’s going to need to sleep.” 

(05:52): 

And I think if we can give a more, a general, yes, this is happening. We don’t want to over-talk about it, but let our kid know that a mix of emotions would make sense. From there, I always talk about just meeting our kids where they are. So in that very first meeting, as an example, some kids will come in and they’re desperate to look at that baby and check out whether it’s got two feet. Some kids will just want to reconnect with mum. Some kids will be so busy looking at the buttons in the hospital and really distracted by that. And some kids will be like, I just want to talk about this toy that grandma gave me. 

(06:21): 

Now, my advice to parents would be wherever your kid is at, that’s what they need so we can follow their lead. And if your child wants to talk about the toy, I’d be like, “Yeah, that is a great toy.” Let’s just talk about the toy. And what we’re actually doing there is settling their nervous system by connecting over a shared interest, meeting them in their world. And then, you might notice that the baby makes a noise and your child looks over and you go, “Oh, do you want to have a look at the baby?” But we are following their lead rather than saying, “Here is the baby.” It now has to look a certain way and you’ve got to cuddle the baby and you’re just meant to like this. I think we can just follow that lead of our child. And if we know that they’re the guide, it goes a lot better than having those expectations that it must look perfect or otherwise it’s never going to work out. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (07:03): 

Exactly. I think what you’ve said there is just so perfectly summed up for parents to move forward with this and understand that, yeah, those expectations that we all put on that moment and you think it’s going to be like a movie and the kids are going to connect and things like that. And yeah, maybe that will happen and maybe it won’t, but it’s just following your child and following their lead and seeing where they go and going with them instead of putting these kind of expectations on that scenario. You are emotional, you are tired, everyone’s tired, everyone’s excited. There’s so much going on in that room at that moment, and children pick up on that energy so much as well. 

(07:36): 

I was wondering what about supporting parents through that change? And how can parents prepare and support themselves for the adjustment of family life? You are going from, like you mentioned, that moment and that connection, maybe a couple of years with that one child. How do parents prepare themselves for this change? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (07:54): 

I think it takes a village to raise a child. And I think when we have one, we might have been able to get by without too much additional support, depending on how it’s been going. I think with every child we add, it can be really good in terms of preparation to just think, how can I shape up some support that would be helpful? One of the things I did that was most helpful every time I had another baby was my mother-in-law was always keen to help, but sometimes we don’t know what to ask for. And I stopped and though about what would be helpful. And I thought if she just took the toddler up to the park once a week for two hours, that would be so practically helpful because I’d be able to feed the baby. And then when the baby was down, I could focus on my toddler and it would just give me a sense of routine around it. 

(08:39): 

So sometimes the way we prepare is really practical. We look at, well, I’m going to have my hands full, or the peak of newborn crying is around six weeks. So how do I bring in some support for my toddler or for me at that time? I think that’s the biggest thing. And then the second thing is just getting prepared around behaviour that we’re not expecting kids to meet the baby and say, “Okay, great, I love it,” that we are expecting a bit of emotional fallout. 

(09:05): 

There was a beautiful mum in the hospital the other week. She had a five-year-old, and he’d been pretty pumped to become a big brother. And then he walked into hospital, he met the baby, and he just put his foot down, looked at his mum right in the eyes and said, “You know what? I’ve changed my mind. Let’s not bring it home.” 

(09:21): 

And I think that immediate panic of that mum was like, “Oh no, but you’re going to love it. You’re going to get to be a big brother and it’s going to be amazing.” And I think if we know in advance that that would make sense to suddenly at five think, “Gosh, I’ve had you to myself for five years and now like little birds in a nest, I’m now competing with someone else.” And that feels a bit scary. And the way he’s articulated it is what makes sense to him, which is let’s just leave it at the hospital, call it a day. And I think there is this incredible opportunity to get prepared as parents that if there’s struggle, we might just see our kids in it. 

(09:52): 

So I think the most powerful things we could do in that moment is say, “You know what? It can feel really hard, this idea of the baby coming home, and maybe you feel a bit scared. And guess what? We’re all going to work it out together.” So obviously we are going to bring the baby home, but it makes sense to feel a bit worried about that. If we can prepare in advance for that as parents and be ready to allow our kids to feel that, everything goes that little bit better. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (10:14): 

Yeah. You’ve mentioned those common behaviours that parents can see when a new baby arrives in the sibling. How can parents view these behaviours as just behaviours? Why not try and fix the problem? How can you meet your child and not worry so much that we are going to have to fix this and that this is going to spill into them not getting on well as siblings, that initial panic that might come with that? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (10:38): 

I have two quick answers to that. That panic in parenting is just like we see our child hits, we think that’s it. They’re going to never have friends. They’re going to wind up in prison or all of those ways in which behaviours. If my child can’t learn to wait right now for dinner, well, then they’re going to have no frustration tolerance and they’ll never be able to hold down a job. I love to give parents this exercise. In your head, you can say to yourself, “The story I’m telling myself is that because my child is saying, I don’t want to bring the baby home from hospital now, these babies will never get along. They won’t be friends. But here is what I know. Relationships take time. They unfold as they get to know each other, and there is such a long amount of time for these kids to get to know each other. And that this initial reaction, logically, it doesn’t mean with that.” 

(11:20): 

So that’s a little reframe that you can do. It’s a Brene Brownism, but the story I’m telling myself, but here is what I know, brings our brain out of fight, flight, or freeze. So I think that can be super helpful. 

(11:30): 

The second thing is to know that the only way our kids can articulate their emotional struggle is through behaviours. And so, our job as parents is to get curious about the behaviour is the tip of the iceberg. The emotion is what’s underneath. And an example of this is just say we’ve got a child, and this is a story from my house. My son once was melting down because my husband cut his toast in half. And he was like, “You cut my toast.” And my husband was like, “It tastes just the same.” And he’s like, “You cut my toast. I didn’t want to cut.” And he’s like, “Well, I’m not making you more.” 

(11:59): 

And then I heard my husband say something amazing. He said, “I cut your toast. You didn’t want your toast cut.” So what he’s done is just name the problem. He’s letting our kids know always, “I see you. I get it.” But he did something really amazing, what he did next. He then said, “And I know it’s the first day back to school after the holidays, and it can feel really hard to go back.” So what he’s doing there is actually targeting in on the underlying feeling. When we can identify the underlying feeling, we panic so much less about that behaviour in the moment because it makes sense. And we even as adults, we don’t necessarily always communicate, “I’m feeling unseen.” We slam the dishes down. 

(12:39): 

So if we could think about toddlers, even if they’re hitting the baby, obviously we always want to set boundaries and stop the hit, but we can use that empathy to say, “You’re having a hard time. It can be really hard to be a big brother.” That’s what’s underneath that behaviour. And mostly we’re not asking our kids if that’s what it is, especially if they’re two or three or four because they can’t articulate that that question’s too big. We’re letting them know that we’re having a guess at it. And usually when you get that right, even for kids that aren’t super verbal, you will feel that they feel seen. They’re like, “Yes, that’s it.” 

(13:11): 

And that continues forever. I’ve got four kids, and the most powerful thing I can say to any of them is, “It’s really hard being the eldest. It’s really hard being the youngest.” They will often just go, “Yes, you get it.” And then we understand the behaviour. And we can teach our kids it’s not okay to hear it and you can’t stick sultanas up the baby’s nose, but I get how hard this is, or I get how interesting this is. I get that it’s hard to wait. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (13:36): 

And it’s really, like you said, it’s just meeting the child where they’re at and just finding those small, in the busyness of the days and in the heightens of the emotions, it’s just finding those tiny moments to connect. And it takes a lot as a parent to find those moments, but I think it’s just hearing that from you and having those reminders that you can diffuse that moment by just connecting with your child and acknowledging, like you said, just straight off the bat, it’s hard being the eldest, isn’t it? And I know this with my own children as well. When you take that time, they just can lock in so quickly, and it just helps build that connection and that path and get to the root of what is really going on there. 

Ad (14:16): 

Want the latest child mental health insights delivered straight to your inbox? For all the latest research, news, events, and learning opportunities to build your confidence in supporting children’s mental health and wellbeing, make sure to subscribe to our e-newsletters for families or for practitioners and organisations. Get this information and more at your fingertips by signing up today at emergingminds.com.au/subscribe. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (14:43): 

I wanted to ask you, in these moments of struggle or heightened moments, and I think parents can carry a lot of guilt around sometimes bringing a new sibling in and what that can do to the family structure and dynamic and routines and expectations, what would you want parents to know about getting it right in this transition and how can they be a little kinder to themselves? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (15:04): 

Yeah. Gosh, there’s so much I want parents to know. Nobody is meant to get it right all the time. None of us get it right all the time, and it’s certainly not what our kids need from it. Kids have three key needs and they’re simpler than we think, and they don’t have to get met all the time. So they need in this process and anytime, they need to feel loved. And we do that through our connection and the way we just love our kids. They need to feel safe. So that’s when we set boundaries, and they need to feel some of the time that their feelings and their emotions are seen and heard. And so, that’s when we are letting them know that we get it when they’re having a hard time. So those are the core things that kids need from us. 

(15:41): 

And the really good news is if we meet those needs around 30% of the time, that is enough to get our kids through a transition like becoming a big brother or sister. That is enough to turn out a child with a secure attachment style, which is the gold standard goal that we’re going for. But also what it does is it’s enough that parents can juggle. And I would say to parents, there will absolutely come a night or many nights where we’re sitting on the couch and we’re thinking, I didn’t do enough today for the baby, or I snapped at my toddler, or I wasn’t the parent that I wanted to be. And we are so quick to identify the flaws or the things we didn’t do well. And what I would say is, ask yourself this question, what was in my 30%? What did I do? Because often we are losing it at ourselves over one moment that happened at 5:00 PM, and yet there were so many moments of great stuff that happened throughout the day that we’re absolutely meeting the needs of our kids. 

(16:33): 

So it’s really looking through that lens of good enough and knowing that we are doing an amazing job these days. Any parent that is sometimes reflecting, thinking, how did I go today? What could I do different? Any parent that is repairing, sometimes saying, “I’m sorry, that didn’t go the way I wanted it to go,” is doing such an incredible job. And actually I think we should be celebrating how well we’re doing, and yet we do tend to focus on the negative. So catching that, and again, using that idea I said before, which is the story I’m telling myself is that I’m not doing enough, but here’s what I know. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (17:05): 

And I wanted to follow on from that. I think the reflecting and taking that moment as a parent to try and find the positives of the day or that 30%. I wanted to ask in those times when it is hard to know when things are going well, as a whole family unit, what are the signs that you can reflect on and go, okay, we are finding our rhythm again, even though things may seem messy on the surface, what are the positives that we can look to our family and go, “Okay, at least today we did this?” 

Gen Muir (Guest) (17:34): 

Two things. One, I would look at the first 12 weeks, particularly as emergency parenting. So I’m not looking for rhythm. I’m not looking for my child to have adjusted like, okay, it took me two days. I’ve accepted there’s a baby in the house and I’m fine. So I’m really actually expecting and preparing for, it’s not going to feel rhythmic for 12 weeks. It’s going to feel like there’s more to mum than I have hands, and that makes sense. So I love to say to parents, rather than looking for that sense of back into a rhythm, view this as emergency parenting. We’re letting some stuff slide. We’re going to do whatever we can to take the load off, to take the guilt down and accept, yeah, it will feel a bit messy and corners will get cut and we’re just in survival mode. 

(18:15): 

The second thing I’d say to that question is actually, what’s a good sign that everything is going as it should? If your kid is showing you at some point over that year that they’re struggling with the baby, I would say that’s a really good sign. And I want to explain why. If your child can show you right at the beginning or in the first few weeks, many kids will in different ways. And many kids, the peak of the sibling adjustment is actually around the time the baby crawls, which many parents are actually surprised to find out. So it actually takes about a year. 

(18:43): 

Now, why does it take about a year? Because this is the biggest adjustment our kids will ever have to go through, learning to share you, their primary carer with a whole other person. And what happens is at first the baby comes home and the baby’s not doing very much. And so, kids feel like, yeah, okay, not much of a threat. We get on with our lives. But what actually starts to happen is a relationship starts to form between that baby and its caregivers. It unfolds over the next few months. And as our hearts expand to that baby, our child is watching. 

(19:12): 

And as that baby starts to goo and gar and sit up in a high chair and then eventually crawl over and they touch our child’s favourite toy, and that is usually the moment an older child goes, “That is a last straw.” And many parents won’t realise, well, that is absolutely part of that sibling adjustment. So they might contact me for a one-on-one at that point and say, “My child’s gone off the rails. They’re suddenly wetting the bed, or this is happening, or that’s happening, or their behaviours.” And I’ll say, “Is there a baby in the house between 9 and 11 months?” They will always say yes. And I’m never surprised because it is such a big adjustment for parents. 

(19:44): 

Now, here’s the good thing about our kids showing us that they’re struggling. They feel safe to do that. So imagine feeling so safe with your primary carers that you can melt down and you can say, no baby, and you can show them, “I’m not sure about this,” which makes so much sense from an evolutionary point. Now, in the past, when children were treated very differently to modern kids, they probably didn’t show us as much. We probably didn’t show our parents that we struggled as much with siblings because the messages that were being sent around the displaying of those emotions were stronger and harsher, and we learned that it wasn’t safe. So to me, the best sign your family is going as it should is that your child is finding it hard and they’re letting you know. And it’s kind of a bit of a reframe on that behaviour. 

(20:26): 

And my third view of that is how wonderful that our kids are strengthening frustration tolerance, that they are experiencing the struggle of having to share and having to wait. In a world where they don’t get as many opportunities for that, a sibling provides the most wonderful opportunities for our kids to feel frustration. So if we could reframe all of emotions and say happiness is great, as is jealousy, as is sadness, as is anger, all those emotions are normal and healthy and my kid needs to learn to feel all of them, then I think we then are going to enjoy the ride a lot more without stressing out. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (21:00): 

I really love the way you reframe that, Gen. It’s so helpful. It’s just such a wonderful way of re-contextualising the whole adjustment and transition and what your oldest sibling is going through and then the change of environment and managing our expectations and how things have shifted into our generation, which is so wonderful that we can have these conversations with our children and make them feel safe to express those emotions. I wanted to ask you about language and what language is really helpful for parents to use when talking about the new sibling to the firstborn or oldest sibling in that toddler stage or when we’re home? How do we make it inclusive for that language for that firstborn to be a part of this newborn phase? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (21:46): 

Such a great question. And I think there’s a lot of information out there that has parents feeling really panicked that they must or must not talk in a specific way. So I want to disband that myth. Parents are being told, “Don’t blame the baby.” Now, I don’t know who we blame if we’re sitting feeding and our child wants a yoghourt and we are going to say, “Well, I can’t get your yoghourt. I’m feeding the baby.” We can’t blame the dog. Our child can see it’s about the baby. I think it’s much better to make sure that what we’re actually doing is seeing our child in that emotion. So if our child is finding it hard to wait for the yoghourt because we’re feeding the baby, it doesn’t matter who we blame as much as our ability to say, “Of course it’s hard to wait.” So when we do that, I think we free parents up from feeling tangled in specific words. And I don’t think there’s any specific words that you need to have. I think we can let go of that. 

(22:33): 

Having said that, here are some of the general ideas that can make kids feel amazing. One of them is when we notice their effort. So if we notice their effort rather than their outcomes. So when they, for example, are learning how to hold the baby gently and support the head, we might say, “Thank you so much. You’re doing such a great job listening to how you hold the baby, and that’s so helpful and we love having you on the team.” And then we might narrate the impact this is having on the baby. So we could say, “And look at the way she’s looking at you. She loves that. Oh my goodness, she already thinks you are amazing.” 

(23:09): 

So what we’re trying to do there is narrate that underlying effort rather than too much, “You’re a big kid, you’re a good boy, your mummy’s helper now.” All of that is fine if our kids are loving it, but it can add a layer of pressure. Whereas if we can just narrate where possible the effort, here you are listening and trying and showing up and what a great dog that is that you’re doing that makes our kids feel really seen and really part of a team and it brings them along. 

(23:37): 

And then, my other tip around language that I think can be helpful is that a lot of the time our older child is going to have to learn how to wait. The baby needs something and they’re waiting and they’re waiting. I think sometimes we can narrate out loud that the baby needs to wait for our child. So just say our child, they’ve fallen over and we’re putting a bandaid on their knee and our baby starts to fuss because they want to feed. And we might turn over to our baby and say, “I hear you. You are next. I’m just sorting out the bandaid for your brother.” 

(24:07): 

And we narrate that out loud. That can feel a bit silly because we think, well, can a six-week-old understand us? But it’s twofold. Number one, we are actually doing that because it makes this older child feel really seen and sometimes the baby has to wait for them, which is quite nice. But actually evidence shows that even from six weeks, a baby does get that sense that they are seen and that baby does have to wait more than their older sibling had to get for what they need. And it also helps calm us as parents. So yeah, narrating what’s happening with people almost like a commentator can be helpful and noticing effort, but I certainly don’t think we have to stick to any specific script or anything like that. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (24:46): 

Oh my gosh, Gen, I wish I had you. When I had my second born, I just had that constant narrative. Don’t blame the baby. Don’t blame the baby. Don’t blame the baby. 

Gen Muir (Guest) (24:55): 

Did you find it made you feel stuck? 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (24:57): 

Yeah. 

Gen Muir (Guest) (24:59): 

Kids are like that overly scripted stuff can hold us back from just being authentic, which is like, this is what’s happening. This is the reality. You don’t have to love it. In fact, I totally get if you didn’t put the baby down and give you a big cuddle. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (25:11): 

Yes. I think that authenticity that comes from that narrating, and it also helps calm you as well. When you are speaking out loud what is happening, it then helps you to regulate yourself because you’ve got one baby crying and one toddler pulling you in another direction. So if you are narrating that, I can absolutely see how that would just bring everybody down and know that’s what’s happening. We can keep going. 

(25:34): 

Gen, a lot of our conversation today has been focused on families that transition from one to two children. I’m wondering if these strategies and advice that you’ve talked with us about today also would work for families that are having a third child or a fourth child. I mean, you may know from personal experience being a mum of four, but so is it easy? Do these strategies work for families going to two or three more children or is there more to think about in that environment? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (26:02): 

I think that it is generally easier on our older kids to add another sibling if they’ve already had to share you with someone else. So we generally do find the hardest transition is the one from one to two. Having said that, children come with their different temperaments and personalities and they can surprise us where they struggle. What I would want parents to know is that where possible, the question our kids, all of them will somehow be asking through behaviour or wondering internally is, what does this mean for us? And if we can answer that through connection, which is just head ruffles, fist pumps, extra hugs, “Gosh, it’s good to see you. I missed you while I was in hospital.” When needed, 10 minutes of 1-on-1, fully focused, special time with your kids. 

(26:49): 

Now, when I had my fourth, there’s no way I could give each child 10 minutes of special time in a day. We’re just surviving. But I found ways to just incorporate that into their world in a way that was needed. So for my eldest, we took him out once a term for dinner to thank him for being the eldest of four boys in that year, because he made many sacrifices as a seven-year-old with such a busy household that I just really wanted to see him in. Whereas my two-year-old needed something different. And for me, that was more about getting my mother-in-law to give him that time that was fully focused so that I could then give him a little bit of time and a little bit of mini moments of connection, and that’s really what was needed. 

(27:26): 

So I think focusing on connection primarily, making sure each child gets those little moments without feeling like that adds to your pressure, that you have to take every child individually to the zoo, I think is the biggest thing to know. But I think every time we add another human to our family, there is a period of adjustment for all of us. The newborn is adjusting and we’re in emergency parenting again. We are adjusting to the juggle of yet another human, and our kids are learning to share us with someone new. And so, just being mindful that the same things will apply and all of this advice applies, I think is always helpful. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (28:01): 

That’s so great to keep in mind and to not put too much pressure on yourself to, yes, take each child out to an event every… I love you naming emergency parenting in those first 12 weeks. It’s just really giving people something to realistically latch onto and go, “These are the expectations in these first 12 weeks. We are going to get through this and we’re just getting through it.” 

Gen Muir (Guest) (28:23): 

I would add to that emergency parenting, we’re going to dip into that anytime one of the kids is sick, anytime we are grieving, anytime there’s enormous financial stress. And a baby, it’s a huge one. You have a newborn that is adjusting to being a human on earth and your body is healing from the biggest event of all time. That is so huge. And I don’t think we’d give enough space to the demands of that. So I do think emergency parenting sums it up quite well. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (28:51): 

Yeah, I love it. Gen, finally, for parents who are in the thick of this transition and feeling overwhelmed, what is one thing that you most want them to take away from our conversation today? 

Gen Muir (Guest) (29:03): 

I want them, when they’re feeling in the thick of it, when they’re sitting on the couch, when they’re struggling and just thinking, “I wasn’t a good enough parent today to the older one, or I snapped, or I wasn’t a good enough parent to the younger one, and I’m not giving them enough,” and all of those thoughts. And we worry this is catastrophic, that we’ve already mucking it up. I would love these parents to, if possible, put their hands on their hearts and say this, “I have never done this before,” because you have never been a parent of two children at different developmental stages in this transition ever before. You haven’t done it, and you are learning. So you are that first-time parent yet again of this scenario. We’re always a first-time parent to our kids every time they hit a new stage because we’ve never done that. And particularly with that juggle of two or that juggle of three or that juggle of four, you have never done this before. 

(29:54): 

And I think if we can actually, that self-kindness, that self-compassion, what that does us at a physiological level is unbelievable. It lowers our cortisol, it gives us this big hug, and the inverse of that, I’m not good enough, I have to do better tomorrow, is so hard on our nervous system. It is so hard on our brains, and we are less likely to go better tomorrow. So if we can learn to talk kindly to ourselves and say, “I’m doing the best that I can, I have never done this before,” suddenly we’re able to just take one step forward and know that our best is actually really amazing and our kids are just happy that we keep showing up, that it’s us in the house, and they don’t mind all of the other factors. They don’t mind the chaos, they’re just happy that we are there. And I think that’s what I would say to parents. Just remember, you’re always a first time parent to this situation and to this adjustment. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (30:45): 

That is wonderful. It’s just that expectation or that feeling that you’re meant to know. You’re not meant to know. There’s no way you could know. 

Gen Muir (Guest) (30:53): 

Right. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (30:53): 

You’ve never been in this situation before. Thank you for that. And I hope our listeners will take that with them after this conversation. And I know I will going into my parenting journey that will continue and change as the girls get older and their relationship changes as well or they get older. But knowing that we’ve never done this before and we’re a new parent at this every stage. 

Gen Muir (Guest) (31:14): 

I’ve got a 16-year-old, he’s on his L’s at the moment. I feel very heightened and I’m saying to myself, “Yeah, I feel heightened. I’ve never done this before.” It really does help. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (31:23): 

Oh, what a wonderful thing to leave on. Thank you so much for joining us today, Gen. 

Gen Muir (Guest) (31:28): 

My absolute pleasure. Thank you for having me. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (31:30): 

Thanks. 

Narrator (31:32): 

Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.