Transcript for
Talking to children and young people about consent

Narrator (00:02): 

Welcome to the Emerging Minds Podcast. 

Jacquie Lee (00:07): 

Hi, everyone. My name is Jacquie Lee and you’re listening to the Emerging Minds Podcast. In our last episode, Professor Daryl Higgins shared some of the latest findings from the Australian Child Maltreatment Study. Daryl and his team found that while rates of familial child sexual abuse have decreased in recent years, children and young people are at increasing risk of being abused by their peers. Daryl emphasised the need for prevention and early intervention response to child sexual abuse that builds children’s knowledge about consent and promotes help seeking behaviour. For a lot of adults though, talking with children and young people about consent and sexual consent in particular can feel daunting and uncomfortable. 

(00:47): 

How should parents and trusted adults go about having these conversations? When should they begin talking to children about their bodies and relationships and what should they even say? We wanted to build on this important conversation today by sharing an episode from the Emerging Minds Families podcast. In this episode, Kirsty, the School’s Coordinator at SHINE SA discusses ways to equip children with the knowledge and skills to make informed and empowered decisions about their bodies and relationships. Kirsty shares how parents can start these conversations with their children, how adults can effectively model consent, and how age-appropriate conversations about consent and respect support children’s lifelong wellbeing. 

Nadia Rossi (01:30): 

Hi, I’m Nadia Rossi and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds podcast. We would like to pay respect to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Ghana people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia. This episode contains adult themes around sex and consent. If you have young children with you at the moment, you may like to pause and listen to this in your own time. Welcome back, Kirsty. It is great to be speaking with you to today on the really important issue of consent. 

Kirsty (02:11): 

Thanks, Nadia. Great to be here. 

Nadia Rossi (02:12): 

Kirsty, when we talk about sexual consent, what do we mean? 

Kirsty (02:17): 

I guess simply, sexual consent is an agreement between people who want to engage in a sexual activity and they agree to do that sexual activity together. There are lots of definitions of sexual consent, but at its core, it is just an agreement between people to do a particular sexual activity because they both really want to. 

Nadia Rossi (02:37): 

Kirsty, can you tell us a bit more about consent and what it means? 

Kirsty (02:42): 

Yeah, absolutely. So, I guess, we’ve gone over a simple definition, but it has many parts. And consent, as you can imagine, is a very nuanced process. So, we talk about this agreement, but there are many parts to this agreement. So, when we talk with young people about consent to sexual activity, we talk about it needing to be a free, voluntary and informed agreement. So, you can see how that word agreement has now become a few more things because they must be wanting to do the act because there’s great benefit to them. So, it’s moving the idea away from permission to engage with another person sexually and hopefully into a space where young people are really caring about what the other person feels and thinks and that everybody wants to really do this activity together is having fun and feeling good. 

(03:31): 

So, consent to sexual activity is only present when everybody there mutually and genuinely wants to engage. And also, that they are taking the time and space to make sure or to actively ensure that the person they’re doing the activity with also wants to do it. It is a difficult concept, but it’s also a simple concept. But when talking with young people about sexual consent, we need to make sure they understand all of these aspects. It’s also important for young people to understand the law around consent to sexual activity. In South Australia, the age that with the law says a person can agree to sexual activity is 17, which means that if you’re under the age of consent, the law says that you can’t legally consent to sexual activity or agree to sexual activity to use that language from before. 

Nadia Rossi (04:14): 

Kirsty, is there a difference between when we talk about sexual consent and consent? 

Kirsty (04:20): 

Absolutely. Consent on its own has nothing to do with sexual activity. We talk about consent to sexual activity because it’s a necessary part of engaging sexually with another person, but we teach about the concept of consent from birth because the concept itself is just an agreement between people to do something together. 

Nadia Rossi (04:39): 

Kirsty, why is it important that parents talk to their children about consent? 

Kirsty (04:45): 

There’s a lot of reasons why we want to teach and talk with our children about consent. So, just to be clear before I move on, when we’re talking about consent and children, this has nothing to do with sexual activity. We are talking about consent as a process where people agree to do something together. So, we need to teach our young people about consent more broadly long before they get to the age and stage where they’re relating consent to sexual activity. So, teaching young children about consent is really helpful because it develops their relationship skills, it builds their confidence, it teaches them things about respect and boundaries and personal space, really importantly that their body belongs to them and that they get to choose or make choices about what happens to them or how they use their body. 

(05:30): 

So, in that way, it helps young people or children feel safe and comfortable, and it teaches them that they should be listened to and respected. Even when children are young, they can learn about some of the nuances of consent, which will help them to build relationships and trust, like understanding non-verbal cues for example, and also being able to change their mind. And you can imagine as we talk through this, Nadia, how these play out later when we get to sexual activity so we can teach young children about consent as an ongoing conversation where we speak respectfully with others. This helps them to grow and form friendships where hopefully people feel safe and valued. So, it’s a really great time to lay the groundwork for healthy relationships throughout their lives and support what will become their future learning when we get to consent to sexual activity. 

Nadia Rossi (06:22): 

Kirsty, if you could share what age should you start talking to your child about consent? When does a parent start that conversation? 

Kirsty (06:29): 

For sure. This is a conversation that can begin from birth and it will be framed in a way that grows with the child and follows them through their own development. Even infants are becoming aware of their bodies. So, it’s a great time right from the beginning to start basic conversations around topics like consent or body safety and boundaries, and there’s loads of ways we can introduce what feels like a difficult concept to very young children right from the get go. 

Nadia Rossi (07:01): 

Kirsty, could you talk to us a bit about how you would talk to a child at different ages and stages in their life about consent? 

Kirsty (07:09): 

Sure. I think in order to select the best language, we have to consider also the function of the consent education or the talking about consent. And when we have very young children, we’re hoping to do two things. One is that we are wanting to offer a protective factor, and the other is that we’re wanting to start to teach them about healthy relationships, what they are and so that they can have them throughout life. So, I guess when I say a protective action, this is about teaching toddlers the correct names for their body parts because we know that this helps to keep them safe from abuse. And so, part of consent education for toddlers is about naming body parts correctly. So, you might use words like vulva or penis or testicles at appropriate moments with your children so that they learn the correct words or names for those body parts. 

(08:02): 

We can also with toddlers or very young children, ask questions of consent to them. So, for example, “Can I pick you up?” And then you respect the answer that they give. I feel myself as a parent being uncomfortable saying that because how often is your toddler in trouble and you need to hook them up off the ground and get them out of danger. So of course, this only applies when it is safe enough to do so, but if you did need to whip your toddler off the ground for their own safety and they’re kicking and screaming, that doesn’t sit outside of a consent conversation because later you might talk to that child about how you were unsafe and so mommy had to sweep you off the ground so that you got out of the way fast enough. 

(08:41): 

So necessary, but unwanted touch is also part of the consent conversation. But, “Can I pick you up?” is a question of consent and you could ask a toddler questions like that to help them learn that they can choose yes or they can choose no and that the grown-up in their life will respect their conversation. So, I guess, in toddlerhood it’s very much about learning language and also listening to the parent or carer asking those questions of consent. 

Nadia Rossi (09:08): 

I’m thinking of my child at the moment and hearing a lot of, “I’m the boss of my own body.” And sometimes, even in those moments where I’ve had to whisk her away, she’s yelling out, “I’m the boss of my own body.” And then having to explain to her, because I’ve had these conversations with them about you are the boss of your own body and you have agency here with your body. But then, having to follow up those examples of when you’ve had to pick them up for a certain reason and actually go and explain to them, “Yes, but I’m your parent and sometimes I need to look after you. And in that instance, looking after you and keeping you safe meant picking you up and moving you even though your body didn’t want to go.” 

(09:46): 

But then that thing of going, I get stuck of when I have to grab them or I have to do their hair or I have to put a jumper on them when they don’t want to. And how you have those conversations when they’ve said to you, “But you told me that I’m the boss of my own body and I don’t want to wear a jumper and now you’re putting it on me.” And I’m like, “But you’re going to get, you’re cold.” 

Kirsty (10:04): 

I guess, two things around that, that’s not going to be the only time in their life that people, children, young people and adults have to be touched by others when they don’t want to be. And a really great example of that for children is vaccinations. I haven’t yet met a child who is looking forward to a vaccination. And so, that as well is part of the consent conversation that sometimes people have to touch us so that the outcomes are positive, maybe not in this moment, but it will help to keep you safe and well in the long term. So, there are examples for all of us where that is the case and I think the point you make, Nadia, about as parents being unsure about what we should or shouldn’t be doing with our children, I guess we know them the best and we know whether our intent in that moment is safety or prevention of harm or comfort or personal hygiene or whatever the many reasons that we touch our children for their benefit when they may not want that to happen. 

(11:04): 

So, consent is not about not touching your child without having a conversation first, it’s helping your child to understand the different kinds of touch and helping them eventually learn that they can decide what kind of touch they want or they don’t, and they will consider all those things that you mentioned, like the relationship with that person. Who is this person to me? What is their intent as a parent? Their intent they will learn is to keep them warm because it’s cold outside and hindsight’s a great thing even when you’re three or four and you go outside and you’re like, “Ah, it is pretty cold out.” So, they will learn those indicators and that will teach them about consent and help them in the future to be able to decide whether they will agree or not agree to a particular kind of touch or as they get older, a particular sexual activity. 

Nadia Rossi (11:49): 

I wondered if we could talk about primary school and then going into secondary school, how parents may talk to their children about consent at those ages and stages. 

Kirsty (11:58): 

Sure. We’ve mentioned earlier on the concept of respect, and I think in primary school, a lot of consent education is making sure that our young people have the skills to be able to make and keep friends and to engage respectfully with others because that is a necessary skill required to have conversations around consent. So, a lot of the education, I guess, sits in that space. Primary school is also a really good time to help your child notice the ways in which people are different and the diversity that is in their schools or families or communities for a couple of reasons. One, that consent education needs to include everyone and that being able to engage respectfully with all people can assist them in having consensual experiences now and later as well. 

(12:46): 

Primary school aged children also learning a lot about different ways communication happens. So, learning about verbal communication and non-verbal as well and how body language can help us to understand how another person might be feeling. That becomes a very important part of the consent conversation later on when we get to consent for sexual activity because we want our young people to deeply care about the other person and not consider consent the getting of a yes or the receiving of a no. Children in primary school of course may also have access to social media and there’s a lot of consent education that needs to happen in that space. So, we are talking about actions that can keep them safe online and how they can engage respectfully using technology assisted platforms as well. 

(13:31): 

And that being online also requires consensual experiences or consensual conversations and that it is not different to face-to-face experiences, but perhaps it comes with more layers of risk. We want our primary aged children to start to think critically about these things, particularly in the online space because of all those extra layers that we mentioned, but to think critically about who they’re engaging to, who they’re talking to, how they’re behaving, whether their words are respectful, whether they’re able to start to understand verbal and non-verbal body cues and how they can learn to care about themselves and also others when they’re working through conversations. 

(14:06): 

So, when young people move into middle school or secondary school, conversations around consent evolve and become more complex. Young people at this age are starting to build stronger identities. They can learn how to establish and hold firm boundaries for themselves. The language can start to include communicating when they don’t like another person’s behaviour and they’d like them to stop. Of course, we’re in the puberty space again, which makes things much more complex, because now, we are including sexual feelings as a feeling that they may experience and of course they may be engaging in sexual activity. So, at this point we are talking about consent to sexual activity and we are hoping that all the consent education that has happened previously is now all in play because now, they have to learn to navigate consent inside a romantic or intimate partner relationship. 

(15:00): 

Social media will be more prevalent in their lives, and so they will be regularly communicating with peers online. And for young people, that may include now sending intimate images or sending nudes to each other because their online experience is very much part of how they connect, how they communicate, and also their dating or romantic interactions. So, this consent education in this space must include expressing and practising consent in online spaces as well as in face-to-face situations. So, when we’re considering the online space for young people, we have to consider also consent to sharing images of other people and likewise teach them that they should expect other people to ask for permission before sharing their image. We have to remind them that people have a right to change their mind, even if people had previously agreed to an activity and would need to give them time to practise that as well. 

(15:56): 

In this space, we really fall into this really ambiguous, nuanced conversation that they will need to have. And so here, we really hope the prior learning around trying to be understood and also understanding the thoughts and feelings of others can be brought to the conversation. Consent to sexual activity is complex and we know that a lot of unwanted sex for teenagers happens in that ambiguous space between a yes and a no. So really, teaching them to navigate that space and be okay with needing to ask more questions to find out how another person is feeling. Of course, drugs and alcohol can be part of the teenage experience, and these things can affect a person’s ability to consent. 

(16:41): 

So, there are conversations we need to have with young people at this age as well as teaching them language like coercion and how feeling threatened or pressured to do something is not consent. Always reminding them that they can say no and leave any situation that they’re uncomfortable in. And another part of this conversation is really understanding that rejection is inevitable and when you do experience rejection, that you must always respect other people’s boundaries and make sure that you’re really tuning in to what they’re saying to you and listening carefully to understand and also being vigilant around nonverbal body keys as well. 

Nadia Rossi (17:17): 

That is some really powerful messaging, especially around rejection. I don’t know if that is really spoken about enough or a lot and actually understanding that rejection is just a part of life and it will happen and there are ways to process it and there are ways to respond to it that are healthy and keep everyone safe. So, thank you for that and thank you for taking us through those ages and stages. I think as a parent, just to know that you laying the foundation in the beginning and with your language and the way that you approach those conversations and just being there as someone that your child can talk to about consent and the foundation parents can lay from the beginning can help set your child up for the future and having healthy relationships with people in their own body. 

Jacquie Lee (18:04): 

We hope you’re enjoying this episode so far. Every other week, the Emerging Minds Families teams sit down with parents and practitioners from across Australia to discuss the ups and downs of parenting and the practical strategies that can support children and families’ mental health and wellbeing. These conversations are incredibly raw and honest at times, but they always explore the wisdom and knowledge both families and professionals have gathered throughout their journeys. There are powerful insights into the realities of parenting in Australia today and a great resource to share with the parents and families you work with. If you’d like to hear more, you can find the Emerging Minds Families podcast on our website or by searching Emerging Minds Families in your favourite podcast streaming app. Now, back to the episode. 

Nadia Rossi (18:51): 

As a parent, I’m hyper aware about my modelling, like physically modelling and just modelling for my children in just my day-to-day life. And I’m wondering, Kirsty, we know so much of a child’s learning comes from watching the adults in their lives, so not just their parents, their educators, their grandparents, their aunties, their uncles, any kind of grown-up in that child’s life. So, I’m wondering how can we as the adults in our children’s lives, how can we model consent to our children? 

Kirsty (19:22): 

Yeah, absolutely. We get loads of opportunities, I suppose, across the day to do that. Just to be clear, I’m going to talk about modelling consent to children now. So, just moving back away from consent to sexual activity, and we’re just talking consent broadly, but we can ask those questions we mentioned before, questions of consent to our young people, which could be as simple as, “Can I give you a hug?” We can also not require them to engage in touch with people when they express that they don’t want to. So, the classic that’s written about in picture books and spoken about is giving Nana a kiss or a hug when the child doesn’t want to. So, we shouldn’t make them do that. We should say, “That’s okay. Maybe you can give Nana a high five,” or whatever the child wants to do and is within their comfortable space. 

(20:05): 

So, we’re looking to teach them ways they can communicate that respectfully, but without having to cross their own boundaries. We can also teach them to check in with others, which as we mentioned is a really important part of seeking consent. So, for a child, it might just be something like when he asked dad if he wants to play, you could ask Nana for a hug. So, giving them language to ask those consent questions for themselves. And you can also point out to them as part of your modelling nonverbal clues or verbal clues that they’re receiving in response to their actions. So it could be that they are game playing with a sibling, someone’s getting angry because it’s just gone a bit too far. As a parent, you could say, “Oh look, Sam’s face look angry. So maybe you need to ask for the toy before taking it.” So just that language that gives them a way to consider the thoughts and feelings of another and also maybe check in with them or even to be more direct, even say, “Look, Sally looks unhappy, so it’s time to stop.” 

(21:02): 

So, receiving communication cues that are not necessarily verbal and helping them to notice that. You could also perhaps do that as you watch TV. You could talk about people’s facial expressions, what we think they might be feeling. You can model body language as well. So, if your young person is coming for a hug, like opening your arms really wide to receive that, shaking your head, nodding your head, all of those really simple gestures that communicate without words can be noticed and just talked about out loud to help your child learn those things. And wherever possible, ask your child for consent. Ask them if it’s okay to do things for or with them. We think about even parents posting pictures of their children on social media. We’ve come a long way in our thinking around that, but that should be a consent question as well. 

(21:49): 

When you think about teenage people posting and sharing, have we modelled that from early on? “Can I post that picture to Nana for her to look at?” I mean, if they say no or they’d prefer you showed Nana a different picture, they’re not listening and honouring their wishes in that situation. If they later then decided they didn’t like that picture anymore or they didn’t want that, then also supporting them to change their mind, say, “That’s okay, delete that one.” Asking permission, listening, respecting their response. And then if later they change their mind, also honouring that because these are all skills that we want to give them time to practise before they find themselves needing to or wanting to consent to sexual activity or not. 

(22:27): 

So, practise for all these skill areas is really important when we think back to the notion of respect and self-worth, self-advocacy, as parents, we have a great opportunity to model that for our children. And I know that can be really difficult because it requires us sometimes to say really kind things about ourselves when we may not feel them, but that’s okay. We can be performative for the benefit of our children. So, saying kind things about yourself and modelling or putting in place healthy boundaries and explaining why you’ve done that. “I’m not going to the party because I’m tired and I’m going to have a rest.” So, just modelling that care of self as well. You can also tell them that it’s okay perhaps for them to say no to a friend. So, you can script that for them as well. 

(23:07): 

Perhaps say, it’s a sleepover and they don’t particularly want to go, or we could say, “That’s fine. We can tell Ben, no. Maybe we can visit and I’ll pick you up at 6:00 PM instead.” So, just really modelling ways of responding or language they can use to communicate what it is they want to or not want to do. And also, we talked about it before, helping them learn to take rejection well in all those same ways, the way you take rejection yourself, the way you talk about how that feels, and then to provide language in order for them to have a crack at that as well. 

Nadia Rossi (23:39): 

What are some ways parents can show how to communicate no? And also, how can parents show how their child can receive a no? 

Kirsty (23:47): 

Yeah. This is a really big question, Nadia, because even as adults as we move through life, we don’t often just say no to things we don’t want to do. We tend to use language that protects other people’s feelings, particularly if we care about them. If your friend asks you to dinner and you’re too tired, you’re not just going to say no. You’ll probably say, “Oh, that sounds lovely, but can we do it another night?” So, all of these ways of saying no without actually using the word no, and we do that often and regularly as adults. So, it’s a really difficult ask for young people. So, I think there’s two things here. One is helping our children, young people communicate no and how to receive a no. 

(24:22): 

But also, that not saying no doesn’t mean that someone agrees because if we focus really heavily on this idea of yes, and we can get into really black and white territory quickly, and consent is actually so ambiguous and nuanced and tricky that we can start to talk about permission more than an agreement, which was the words that we used earlier. So, we really want to teach our children that when someone doesn’t say no, it doesn’t mean yes or it doesn’t mean that they agree. 

(24:53): 

And we only know that someone wants to participate when they’ve really clearly told us that they want to or have shown us that they want to. It’s helpful to tell children and young people that verbal consent is likely the most reliable way to know that, but it’s not the only way. But teaching young people to ask questions and then pay attention to the answer is a really good way to know whether consent is being given. 

(25:20): 

And when we talk about things being tricky and ambiguous and nuanced, asking more questions is how we will find out how the other person is thinking and feeling and whether they want to do whatever the activity is. So, understanding that not saying no doesn’t mean someone agrees. And then, learning to ask questions and use verbal communication to find out whether someone really wants to is a really important skill that again, needs time to practise. 

(25:46): 

Also, explicitly teaching about signs of hesitation. What this might look like, how people might communicate, know when they’re not saying the words. So, what uncertainty might look like? What hesitation might look like? If someone is not moving, what that’s communicating? So really helping young people understand that there are many ways to indicate that there is no consent that don’t in fact use the word no. 

(26:12): 

So, when we start to again, consider consent to sexual activity, there are some additional things we need to teach in terms of giving or receiving a no. And one of those is around physical arousal. So, it’s important to explicitly teach young people that because someone’s body is responding, that doesn’t mean that there is consent. So, one that might come up is some young people might understand an erection to mean that that person wants to engage in sexual activity. And so, the language we use is something like, “That’s just a thing bodies do.” So, it’s not an indication of consent, bodies just do these things. It doesn’t mean someone wants to do an activity or is even having a good time. It’s just something bodies do. So, when we talk about consent to sexual activity, it’s really important that we bring pleasure into the conversation. 

(27:02): 

And this can be a little bit tricky, but we need our young people to understand that most people engage in sex or sexual activity because it’s pleasurable and because it’s enjoyable and because they get a lot out of it. And if we don’t talk about pleasure with our young people, we might land inadvertently back in that space that we talked about earlier about permission getting or giving. We don’t want to objectify the act and diminish the consent conversations that happen in that tricky space. So, we want our young people to care deeply about the feelings of all of their intimate partners, and that includes making sure they’re having a good time, that it’s pleasurable and fun for them, and that’s the reason why they are choosing to engage in sexual activity with each other. 

Nadia Rossi (27:45): 

Well, thank you, Kirsty. That is so much to think about. You mentioned checking in and I’m wondering if we can go back to that and just share maybe some examples of what are some questions we can teach our children to ask each other during play to check in with each other and how that will support their understanding of consent in the future? 

Kirsty (28:06): 

I think there’s maybe two kinds of questions, and we’ve touched on each of them already. But the first one are those asking questions about whether somebody wants to do a thing. So, questions for children during play might be something like, “Is it okay to share your toy? Would you like a hug?” Out and about, they might ask, “Can I pat your dog? Can I brush your hair to get the knots out? Can I borrow your pen? Would you like to come to my house?” 

(28:29): 

So, all of these are questions that are asking about whether a person wants to get involved or not, but I guess, we also need to provide language around the check-in, like you mentioned. So, questions for checking in might be something like, “Do you want to keep painting with me or do you want to do something else now? Are you having fun? Do you like doing this? Should we keep playing Switch or get up and have something to eat?” 

(28:53): 

So, just really teaching young people language for checking in and finding out whether even though that person wanted to do that thing before, whether they still want to do that thing or whether they’re still having a good time or if it’s time to try something else. And of course, you can see how these will translate later in life too, questions around consent to sexual activity. And the reason this is supportive of their more broad understanding is because they’re practising and all people need a chance to practise things if they want to get good for them. So, they’re practising asking for consent, they’re practising checking in, and they’re also providing space for their friend or mate to change their mind. And these are three really important aspects of consent conversations. 

Nadia Rossi (29:36): 

Kirsty, when you’re engaging with young people in your practise and your education and talking about sexual consent, and we talked about that grey area that consent can fall into when a young person asks you, “How do I know?” What is your advice to a young person when they don’t know? 

Kirsty (29:54): 

Yeah, that’s a really great question because young people are most confused about that space. Sometimes consent education can lead young people to thinking that it’s the getting of a yes is consent. So, the hearing yes is consent, and then the hearing no is no consent. But the reality is that consent exists on a spectrum and between yes at one end and no at the other, there is a vast space which needs to be filled with questions that young people are asking each other to determine what they both want to do. And this can be tricky because we’re not sold a message that consent is sexy, but in actual fact it is, and this is what we need to teach our young people. I think the reason they might get that messaging is that when we try to teach it, we are using language from our adult experience, which is very not youth culture friendly. 

(30:43): 

So, when we work with young people, we might say things like, you could ask, “Do you want to keep going?” Which they don’t want to hear from us as older people who use language in ways that are different to them. So, what we can do is frame the conversation in a contextually different space to help them then move it across to sexual activity. So, for example, we might say, so say you’re at a party with a mate and you’ve had enough and you want to find out if your mate wants to stay or go, what might you say? And they might just say, “Do you want to get out of here?” And then I say, “What might your mate say?” And then how would you know what they want to do? And then translate that experience into the space of sexual activity because it’s really important that they use their own language to communicate in that space so they feel okay enough to ask the questions. 

(31:30): 

So, sometimes they think the messaging is lost because we’re using language that we might consider okay, which to them is just not getting the job done. So, I guess it’s really important to ask them, “How could you say that?” Because in that middle space that you mentioned on that big old spectrum between yes and no, we need to find out exactly what people are thinking and feeling because we cannot engage in sexual activity unless everybody there really wants to do it and everybody is getting something from it. What are they getting from it? Likely pleasure and fun, which is why we need to talk about those things. But helping young people learn to ask questions and to listen to answers, but also helping them think of ways to ask questions that use language that they would likely use when they find themselves in that space, rather than us just telling them, “You could use these sentence starters. These words, tell them this.” 

(32:20): 

And it’s like we’re speaking a different language. So really, being able to think about a context that they can communicate how they would express their thoughts and feelings, and then giving them the opportunity to practise moving that into a space where they might be having a conversation about engaging in sexual activity. 

Nadia Rossi (32:36): 

It’s so important to come to young people with the same language or to be inquisitive about their language and their world, finding out what language they use, find out what scenarios they’re in because an adult can make up a scenario on a young person’s like, “I would never do that.” Or “I would never say that.” Okay, well then how would you say that? 

Kirsty (32:54): 

And also asking those questions, which you said just now, “How do you know that? How do you know they want to do that thing?” So, we don’t need the language. We can just ask questions of them ourselves to help them unpack the information that they’ve received and whether they understand enough of what the other person wants to do or not do to be able to make a decision they feel really comfortable making. 

Nadia Rossi (33:15): 

Kirsty, how does it support a child’s wellbeing to know about consent? 

Kirsty (33:19): 

I guess in loads of ways, many that relate to children and young people’s ability to make decisions for themselves and to be able to make informed decisions based on information or circumstances that are current. Of course, we’ve talked briefly about reducing a young person’s vulnerability to abuse, but of course that’s a very big part of wellbeing is being able to have positive interactions and positive touch interactions with other people. We know that consent learning or consent education encourages those really great and healthy relationship qualities of respect and empathy and acceptance. And of course, if people have those skills, we’re all going to exist in communities where people feel safer and also valued. Learning about consent helps to build children and young people’s self-esteem because they learn about their right to choose, and they hopefully feel empowered to speak up when things are not going well. 

(34:21): 

It also, as they grow, helps them navigate that technology space that we talked about, social media to navigate more safely and also any social situation, really, to navigate more safely and also just increase the likelihood of having safer connections and healthy relationships. So, consent as a concept, we’ve gone over the definitions, but more broadly, it’s supports young people’s wellbeing in knowing who they are, knowing their rights, having them enacted and being able to have really great relational experiences throughout life. 

Nadia Rossi (34:55): 

What I’m hearing is it’s really empowering for a child or a young person to understand consent for their life and for their future relationships. Thank you for showing us ways that we can support a child’s wellbeing by teaching them about consent and sexual consent and how to communicate their wants and their needs, and also how to understand rejection and respond in healthy ways. We mentioned at the beginning of the podcast, Kirsty, that you work with SHINE SA, and I was just wondering if you could share with our listeners what SHINE SA is and how they can access your resources. 

Kirsty (35:29): 

Yeah, absolutely. SHINE SA is an organisation that provides sexual and reproductive health services and programmes to South Australians. We are based at Woodville and also in the city at High Street. We have clinical services at both those locations, counselling services as well, and including our general practise service. I work for the SHINE SA Schools Team. So, our job is to write curriculum for young people in schools around sexual health and relationships from years three through to year 10, and we also train teachers to deliver that education well to their young people. 

(36:04): 

We have a fantastic library on site at Woodville, which is free to join. Our library has loads of resources to help parents teach consent to their children and young people, and it’s free to join. So, parents can go online and join up and visit our library. It’s a lovely space to spend some time. And also, you could find out as a parent if your child’s school or young person’s school is delivering the SHINE SA programme, so curriculum, because that would be a great way to engage yourself in the learning of your young people that’s happening outside of the home, and also advocate for that to happen if that’s not in place. 

Nadia Rossi (36:37): 

Kirsty, thank you so much for talking to us today about the important and really huge topic of consent and sexual consent. Thank you for talking to us about even the definitions behind the both of them and also showing parents ways that they can lay the foundation for their child to support their wellbeing in the future when it comes to consent and making those decisions. Kirsty, if you could leave our listeners with one thing to remember from today’s conversation, what would it be? 

Kirsty (37:09): 

To take any opportunity you can to teach your children and young people to care about themselves, and also to care about the thoughts and feelings of others. We really want young people to be strong advocates for self, to be able to say no, to be able to have boundaries in place and to respect their own and others, and provide as much opportunity as you can across time to practise these skills, whether it’s modelling yourself or providing language or allowing them to change their mind or respecting their choices as much practise time as we can so that when the time comes, young people can translate all of these skills and knowledge into whatever context they find themselves in. 

Nadia Rossi (37:48): 

Thank you, Kirsty. I think that’s a wonderful message to leave on. So, thank you for joining me so much today. 

Kirsty (37:54): 

You’re welcome. Thanks for having me. 

Nadia Rossi (37:55): 

Thank you. 

Jacquie Lee (37:59): 

Thanks for joining us for today’s Special Families episode. I hope it leaves you feeling more confident in having conversations about consent with the parents, children, and young people in your life. You can find more evidence-informed resources to share with parents and families on the Emerging Minds website, under the Families Tab. And if you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving us a rating and a review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you’re listening, and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode. See you next time. 

Nadia Rossi (38:28): 

Visit our website [email protected] to access a range of resources to assist your practise, brought to you by the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. Led by Emerging Minds, the centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health, Disability, and Ageing under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.