Transcript for
Building a strong and positive relationship with your child

Narrator  (00:02): 

Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families podcast. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (00:05): 

Hi. I’m Nadia Rossi, and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. 

(00:10): 

Childhood is a time to learn, grow, and develop the skills to help navigate all that life will bring. It is also a time to play, explore, and build positive relationships with others. Secure relationships with parents and caregivers promote healthy social and emotional development and is the foundation for positive self-esteem, emotional regulation, and social skills. 

(00:34): 

But, as we all know, children do not come with a manual, and every child is unique. For many parents and caregivers, it can be hard to know how to foster a strong and positive relationship with their child, whilst also allowing them space to explore and grow. 

(00:50): 

In today’s podcast, we are talking to Lyndsay Healy. She is an early childhood educator with over 20 years’ experience in helping parents respond to the needs of their children, in a way that allows children to feel safe and secure and helps build strong relationships between family members. 

(01:07): 

Welcome, Lyndsay. It’s great to speak with you today. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (01:10): 

Thanks for having me. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (01:11): 

So, Lyndsay, when we talk about a healthy parent-child relationship, what do we mean? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (01:17): 

I think it’s important we don’t get trapped into thinking that there’s some mythical, perfect parent-child relationship out there, where everyone is always happy with each other. It’s natural for relationships between parents and children to go up and down and experience the full range of feelings together within that relationship. 

(01:36): 

But what’s important is what’s held at the core of the relationship, I think, around having a shared trust and sense of connection with one another. Within that trust, building a sense of being able to be held during those difficult times with one another. So, if we are feeling particularly sad or angry about something, knowing that there’s a bigger, stronger, wiser adult there who can support us with those feelings. 

(02:00): 

Development of that strong bond and healthy relationship between parent and child is around having a parent that’s attuned to their child’s needs, sharing in delight with one another so that you build the relationship through the good times, to support you through the more difficult times together. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (02:18): 

Why is it so important that the bond is strong between a parent and a child? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (02:23): 

Well, parents are children’s first teachers, and so children are really learning how to navigate the world through their relationship with their parent. It really is supporting a child to understand how to be in relationship with other people. And that, of course, becomes more and more important as children’s networks get bigger and their communities around them get bigger, once they start accessing early learning services or going to playgroup, school, things like that, that really supports children to feel socially confident, to be able to connect with other children in a really positive and healthy way, and also develop resilience to support them when things get tricky or challenging or they need to negotiate something with someone. 

(03:07): 

It supports all of those things. But also, this idea that when they’re in a relationship with adults who are not their parents, they’re able to either communicate their needs in a way that’s very clear, so that they’re able to get their needs met. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (03:21): 

So, it’s kind of like laying a foundation for the child to go out and experience the world and be secure in that. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (03:30): 

Absolutely. And I think part of that feeling secure in yourself with those shared positive early experiences in delighting in each other as a family, actually build a positive sense of self for children and this understanding that I’m likeable and that people like me. 

(03:46): 

And it makes an incredible difference to how children operate outside in the big world if they think that they’re a likeable person. It gives them the confidence to be able to build relationships and friendships with new children. It has a self-belief, in terms of their capacity as a human being, to be kind and generous to other people. It makes a huge difference to just how children will operate in the world. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:12): 

You don’t think about it that the child thinking that they’re likeable or knowing that in themselves that helps them- 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (04:18): 

Well- 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:18): 

… build relationships- 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (04:19): 

… because we see the flip side, and children don’t think they’re likeable. It’s really difficult for children who don’t think they’re likeable to build friendships with other children because why would anyone want that? Or if people think the worst of them, rather than automatically think the best of them, and it kind of … It’s both ways become a self-fulfilling prophecy for children. “If I’m likeable, and people think the best of me, then that’s what I rise to. If I’ve been taught that there are times when I’m not likeable, and people don’t think the best of me, then that’s what I rise to.” 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:48): 

Lyndsay, is this relationship-building in your experience, something that comes naturally to parents or something that parents learn? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (04:55): 

It’s a bit of both. So, in my experience, I think there’s not a parent that I’ve met that doesn’t want the best for their child and is doing the best they can with what they have. But what we know is those early experiences, even for us who are now adults, they create, I guess, a relationship framework within us that we take into the rest of the relationships for the rest of our lives that we have. 

(05:18): 

And so, essentially, if we’re parenting without conscious thought about what we’re doing, we’re parenting the way we were parented. And, so, parenting comes naturally because we’ve got an experience of being parented when we were a child. But I’m sure all of us have got reflections where we can understand where our parents might have made mistakes with us or times in our lives where we didn’t have the best experience in some of those relationships, where we might want to make different choices. And those choices take conscious effort to unlearn and relearn new ways of parenting with our own children. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (05:50): 

So, Lyndsay, I have two children, and I know at times when it’s busy or I’m tired that I don’t always stop and think before I respond to something one of my children is doing. What advice would you have for parents for when you can feel yourself slipping into that area of parenting you don’t want to be in? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (06:09): 

Hmm, that funny feeling you could be doing better as a parent or on reflection as well. There’s a model called Circle of Security that kind of labels that funny feeling in your tummy as something called shark music. And you will know the Jaws theme song … Yeah, that’s that feeling in your tummy, where your child might be doing something that either pushes your buttons, or it’s safe and might be okay, but for some reason you feel like you need to intervene in it, for whatever reason that might be. And the idea of shark music is that it drowns out your ability to make different conscious choices to the way you might react. 

(06:45): 

And, so, it takes a lot of practice for families and parents and carers to notice the physical signs that your shark music might be surfacing. And there might be a funny feeling in your tummy. You might get sweaty. You might be someone who jumps to feeling angry really quickly about something, and actually catching that before you react to your shark music. And just take a breath for a minute and have a think about … Well, have a real think about, “What does my child actually need from me in this moment?” 

(07:13): 

Because it’s quite easy just to slip into the reacting to a child’s behaviour, when it might actually call for you to do something a bit differently. And doing something a bit differently could elicit a completely different response to how something might play out at home. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (07:28): 

Lyndsay, how can parents tell if their child is needing something from them but doesn’t have the verbal skills to let them know? What signs can a parent look for? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (07:37): 

We would always say that behaviour is probably 95% of a child’s form of communication. And the behaviour, if you think about behaviour as an iceberg, the behaviour is the part that sits on top of the border, which is actually only the tiny little bit on top. And we know that icebergs have this massive chunk of ice underneath the water that’s much larger than the bit that sits on top. 

(07:58): 

So, there’s always all of these underlying needs that sit underneath children’s behaviour, that are motivating children to do what they’re doing. And, so, another way of thinking about it is a children’s behaviour being like a smoke alarm, and reacting to the child’s behaviour would be the equivalent to spraying your fire extinguisher on your smoke alarm. And that’s not necessarily … Well, it’s not going to put your fire out, but thinking about the fire itself, rather than the smoke alarm. And aiming your reaction or your response to your child, based on what’s happening underneath their behaviour can support you to respond to your child more effectively. 

(08:37): 

And it might not always be what you first think it is. Sometimes, if it’s a pattern of behaviour that you notice with your child, sometimes you might have to try a few times to land on the right response, and it might not always be intuitively obvious. 

(08:51): 

For example, it might be that your child insists that they want the blue bowl with their lunch today instead of the red bowl, and have a really difficult time with regulating themselves through needing to have the blue bowl instead of the Red Bowl. And that might be a repeated thing that happens every lunchtime at home and thinking about, “Well, what is it really about? Is it about the blue bowl or the red bowl or is it about something else? What other need is being fulfilled for your child by their behaviour in this moment? Is it actually that we haven’t spent enough time together this morning?” And by having a big moment, they’re able to get a whole heap of connection with you in that moment. And maybe by altering what you do in the morning and the lead-up to lunchtime by just sitting down and reading some stories or doing some puzzles together could actually change what happens at lunchtime, 30 minutes down the track. 

(09:38): 

Parents always know their children the best and are always the most keyed into understanding their children’s cues and what might be motivating their children’s behaviour. So, that strong bond really enables parents to do a really good job of being able to read their child in the moment, but also have a deeper understanding of what their child’s needs might be, so that they can be proactive in pre-empting their child’s needs, I guess, you might say. 

(10:04): 

And I mean, so much of it is dependent on your child’s dispositions. Understanding a child’s uniqueness really intimately helps you as a parent to be able to either be proactive in responding to needs before they surface or being able to plan for needs that you anticipate might come up. 

(10:23): 

So, if you know it’s going to be really tricky for your child to go out for dinner tonight in a really busy, noisy, loud restaurant, then you might be able to pre-plan how you could wrap some strategies around your child before you go out. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (10:35): 

And also, as we talk about children being unique, siblings themselves are unique, so what works for one sibling may not work for another. I know my two girls are so similar but different, and there are different things that I need to do to wrap around one that I might not need to do for another, but there’s other things you have to do for the other. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (10:53): 

And for a parent that might also come more easily for one sibling for you than it will for another because, generally, what we understand is, parent will have different kinds of relationships with different children as well. So, some might feel like easier relationships than others. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (11:08): 

So, what kind of things would you notice in a child where the bond is not strong or secure with the family? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (11:14): 

I think particularly the sorts of things we might see in an early learning service would be things like when children finding it more difficult to transition into the service and feel comfortable with people who are not part of their family or children who find it more difficult to either initiate conversations and connections with other children or feel quite worried about children inviting them into play and how they’re going to do that. 

(11:43): 

Lots of different behavioural kind of indicators. So, some children might actually actively try and do things that might hide their needs, which makes it really tricky to try and guess what’s happening for that child. So, a classic example of that is when a family arrives to come and collect their child, and their child says, “No, I’m not ready to go yet,” and goes back to what they’re doing. 

(12:04): 

And it might just be that they’re not ready to go yet and want to finish off what they’re doing, but sometimes that can be, actually, “I really want to reconnect with you, but I’m not quite sure how to do that and how do we reunite together?” 

(12:16): 

And it might take a little bit more from the adult to make that happen for the child- 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (12:19): 

From the parent, yes. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (12:20): 

Yeah, from the parents, rather than, “Oh, my child doesn’t love me and doesn’t want me.” 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (12:24): 

Sure. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (12:25): 

And that can be the bit that you’re feeling in your heart, where you have to make a different decision about whether you let that own your response or whether you choose to respond differently. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (12:33): 

And in that moment, is it better for the parent to maybe slowdown that pick-up and let the child find their way back to them? What would they usually do in that scenario? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (12:44): 

I think it depends on the child. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (12:45): 

Yeah. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (12:46): 

And, so, it could be about just sitting next to the child at the table or whatever it is that they’re doing and just letting them finish off and maybe just kind of having a little bit of an informal chit-chat about what’s been happening through the day, and “Can you tell me about what you’re doing? It looks really important,” that sort of thing. So, you kind of reconnecting through something. 

(13:04): 

Or you’re surrounded by other people that can help you as well. And if it’s something that is quite difficult for you, you could have a talk to say the other educators in the space and say, “Look, I’m finding the reuniting really tricky in the afternoon. Is there some way that you could support us to do that?” And kind of talk about relying on the people around you as well, to be able to support you with your parenting. 

(13:26): 

So, about these healthy circles that happen for children who you feel really comfortable and safe with their parent and secure in the knowledge that they can go out and explore something and then that their parent will be available for them to come back in into, and that they’ll be welcomed back in to either delight and share in what they’ve experienced out or to support them with their feelings if something has happened while they’ve been out, and they need some regulating or some help. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (13:52): 

What do you notice in a child who has a strong bond with their family? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (13:57): 

Confident children who feel safe to be able to leave their parent and go out and explore or connect with other children and come back again. And children who feel quite socially confident in their own way. And that could look like lots of different things. Just because your child’s not an outgoing extrovert doesn’t mean they’re not socially confident, in terms of trust in themselves to even just go and play independently in a space, without having to continually check in with their parent and quite natural for other children to kind of gravitate towards them in a quieter kind of way. 

(14:31): 

Going back to this idea of, “I am likeable, and I’m capable,” and this, “I can do good things in the world, and I’m kind.” All of those things support them to have these really healthy social relationships with other children and other adults who are not their parents. 

(14:45): 

And children who have a strong bond with their family often have quite a high sense of resilience. So, they’re either less phased by minor things that might happen socially with other children, minor challenges that pop up, or if it’s something where they feel like they need adult help, they know how to go find that help, and it doesn’t result in them completely dissolving. They’re able to kind of regulate until they can find an adult to regulate with them and work through those social challenges. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (15:11): 

Lyndsay, thank you for talking with us today. I’m just wondering if you could leave our audience with just a few things to remember from our chat today, what would they be? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (15:21): 

There’s no such thing as perfect parenting and no such thing as a perfect parent and child relationship. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes, and it’s really important as parents that we’re kind to ourselves when we make mistakes that the research shows, even though we would aspire for more, the research shows we only have to get it right about 30% of the time to still have a child who feels like they have a strong bond and a healthy relationship with their family. 

(15:46): 

So, 30% doesn’t sound like a lot, so it gives us quite a lot of wiggle room. But again, be really kind to yourselves. You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got, but if you would like to make other decisions about how you want to parent, then I would strongly suggest that you get some help with that because sometimes that can be tricky, depending on what your experience was or what your life, world, and history has been, in terms of relationships. There are great courses out there that families can do to support them with reflecting on how they parent and great people out there that they can draw on to support them with their thinking as well. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (16:22): 

Do you know any services that you would recommend families look to if they’ve listened to this podcast and go, “Actually, yeah, I do think that would be beneficial.” Do you have any specifics that we could look into? 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (16:34): 

Well, the first go-to for me would be a Circle of Security parenting course, and there are lots of different providers that offer that. And one of the good things about the Circle of Security parenting course is that there is an educator version of that called Circle of Security Classroom. So, if say, if your child’s accessed an early learning service, and those educators have been through that course as well, it gives you a shared language to be able to come around and talk about your child’s needs and understand from the same kind of lens, which can be really, really helpful when you’re trying to work through tricky challenges or want to celebrate something fabulous that’s happened. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (17:08): 

Thank you, Lyndsay. Thank you so much for sharing with us your knowledge and experience on parent and child relationships today. 

Lyndsay Healy (Guest) (17:15): 

Thank you. 

Narrator  (17:19): 

Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources, to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.