Transcript for
Five ways to support your children’s mental health

Narrator (00:02): 

Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families Podcast. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (00:06): 

Hi, I’m Alicia Ranford and you are listening to Emerging Minds Families Podcast. Before we start today’s episode, we would like to pay respect to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia. Today’s podcast is a little different because I’m joined by my colleague here at Emerging Minds, Jacquie Lee. Welcome, Jacquie. Thanks for joining us today. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (00:45): 

Thank you so much for having me. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (00:47): 

We live and breathe infant and child mental health here at Emerging Minds. Could you tell me a little bit about you and your role here? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (00:54): 

Yeah, sure. So I’m a provisional psychologist and I’ve been working here at Emerging Minds for, oh gosh, almost seven years now. I am part of the practice development team here at Emerging Minds, so we’re the sibling to the families team. My role is to develop resources to support practitioners who are working with infants, children and families to help them to better understand children’s mental health and support both kids who are perhaps at risk of developing mental health difficulties later in life, but also to promote positive mental health for all Australian children. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (01:37): 

And the work we do here at Emerging Minds is really focused at supporting practitioners in the work that they do with families in their everyday practice and really to help them, as you said, support infant and child mental health. And our organisation has spent years researching mental health and wellbeing and talking and working with families and practitioners. And it’s been a really collaborative process, which for me is a great part of our role and I’m sure it is for you too. And so today we’re going to talk about the five really key fundamental ways parents can support their children’s mental health. And so I was wondering if you could tell us a little bit about how these five key ways came about? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (02:19): 

Yeah, absolutely. So as you said, over our years of research, looking through the latest studies, research findings, having conversations with practitioners, working across all different sectors and also engaging with parents and families with lived experience of various difficulties, we were finding that these same five areas kept coming up these themes. And we know that parents are blessed and cursed with this ability to access information about parenting and what will support their children’s wellbeing. There’s so much information out there on the internet, and we were hearing from families that it can be a bit overwhelming at times. And so we just wanted to simplify things for families by offering them this kind of checklist that they can look out for in their child and family’s life. And so we reduced these five areas to an acronym that we’ve called the PERCS of Parenting. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (03:32): 

Being a parent is challenging at the best of times as we navigate highs and lows. So what I really love about the PERCS of Parenting is it’s not just about how you can get through the tough times, but it’s also looking at how you can support your children’s mental health every day. Can you tell me a little bit more about what the acronym stands for and then let’s work our way through each of these five ways? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (03:55): 

Yeah, absolutely. And something that I want to add as well is that the idea of these five areas is to not only help parents work out which areas of their child and family’s life they might want to put more time and energy into, perhaps there are some things, some challenges going on there, but also to help them notice and celebrate the areas that are going really well. I think it can be easy to get caught up in the stress and the struggles of everyday life, and parents put a lot of pressure and guilt on themselves to be perfect. And so to have this easy acronym, framework, checklist, whatever you want to call it, to go back to and use as a reminder to notice the things that are going well, the things that you are doing “right”, I think that can be really beneficial for parents’ mental health as well as their kids. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (04:56): 

Oh, I think that that’s a fantastic point, and I think every parent breathes a sigh of relief when the research came out that said, you only need to get it right 30% of the time. And so isn’t it nice to think that there’s a way that we can also reflect on what we are doing well, and if that is just that we manage to still read a story before bedtime on those tricky days, then that’s a win. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (05:15): 

Absolutely. So important. So PERCS stands for parent-child relationship, emotions and behaviours, routines, communications and meaning-making and support networks. So those are the five overarching aspects of a child’s life that we’ve found can really make a difference to their wellbeing. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (05:37): 

Fantastic. Well, let’s delve into the first one, P, which is the parent-child relationship. Can you tell us about that and what parents can do perhaps to strengthen this if they feel that this is an area that they would like to work on? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (05:51): 

Yeah, absolutely. So we know from the research and from our conversations with professionals and families that safe, secure relationships with adults that they can rely on is one of the most important things for a child’s wellbeing. It’s the foundation for their development and their mental health throughout their life. And having caregivers who respond warmly and consistently to the child’s needs and make time to connect with them are the key aspects of that relationship. And this will look different based on your child’s age. So if you’ve got a newborn baby, it’s about holding them, making eye contact, smiling at them, and responding to them when they cry so that they get to know that they can rely on you to support their needs. Toddlers and preschoolers love having fun and being silly. So that could look like making up songs as you’re doing the grocery shopping together or having an impromptu dance party in the kitchen after they get home from Kindy or school. 

(07:00): 

And then as children get older, taking an interest in their interests and making time to connect with them that way can be really beneficial, can make a significant difference to their mental health. And we know that it can feel impossible to find the time to do these things. We’ve got so many different pressures upon us all the time, but the message that we want to get across is that it only takes a few minutes of quality time where you’ve put your phone down, you’re giving your child 100% of your attention. That’s all it takes to really nurture and grow those key relationships. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (07:44): 

And I think it’s also great for parents to think about in a busy day that parent-child relationship. You can have those connections when you are even doing your daily chores or bringing a child along as you go out and feed the animals or something like that. It’s just making that time, isn’t it, to spend one-on-one with a child that really does make a difference in their day. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (08:08): 

Absolutely. And I think we underestimate how much kids they like to feel useful like they’re helping. And so whilst no one enjoys doing chores, you can find ways to perhaps make them a bit more fun or like you said, make them an opportunity to connect and chat and hear more about what’s going on in their lives. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (08:34): 

And I also think you made a really great point about in a world where we live on our phones and our digital devices and we think that we can multitask and be doing something on our phone whilst listening to a story our child’s telling us about their day. In my family, my daughter loves replaying her dreams. And often it’s very easy to be going, oh yes darling, and scrolling on my phone at the same time. And it is about putting that phone down, making eye contact, and really engaging in whatever it is that they’re trying to tell you, whether you have peak interest in it or not. It’s an important part of the day, isn’t it? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (09:07): 

Absolutely. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (09:08): 

Okay. And so emotions and behaviours, can you tell us more about that and why we’ve got emotions and behaviours together? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (09:17): 

Yeah, absolutely. So we know that children communicate their feelings through their behaviour, especially if they are still developing their language skills. And it’s really important that the adults around them help them to express their emotions and have them feel seen and understood and responded to in supportive and caring ways. It’s normal for parents to want to fix things for their child, but the key message with this area is to be curious and to look beyond the behaviour itself, to try and understand what’s going on for your child, what might they be feeling but unable to express, and how can you help them to find other ways to give voice to those feelings and emotions. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (10:11): 

And so in thinking about what emotion is behind that behaviour, it’s also about thinking about what’s going on around your child’s world, isn’t it? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (10:20): 

Absolutely. Yeah. Looking at their broader context and encouraging them to share with you what’s going on to express those feelings by not only asking them questions but giving them different opportunities to develop that language might be through drawing or there are all of these incredible feelings charts and emotion wheels that a lot of parents have probably seen, maybe used or through play or role playing, things like that. And I think it’s important to note that a lot of us weren’t taught these skills ourselves, so it can be challenging and quite uncomfortable to have these conversations. So there’s no shame in looking for support to help you to have these conversations with your child. It’s also important to think about modelling positive coping strategies for your children as well when it comes to your own stress and emotions, because they’ll be looking to you to see how to cope with those own feelings themselves. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (11:35): 

And also okay to remember that if you don’t get it right as a parent every time, that’s actually a nice opportunity to repair with your child and say, “Okay, I may be overreacting there. I’m sorry, and let’s move on.” I think it is, you’re right, it’s a very good opportunity to not only show those positive coping skills, but also what you do when you get it wrong. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (11:56): 

Absolutely. Yeah, modelling that emotional intelligence and vulnerability for your kids. And I think that those moments of rupture and repair, they’re also opportunities to strengthen that parent-child relationship that we just talked about as well. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (12:12): 

That’s lovely. Routines are the third letter in our PERCS acronym. How are routines important in supporting children’s mental health? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (12:21): 

So routines help children to feel safe and secure. They reduce stress and they also help families to create time for fun and for those opportunities of connection that we’ve talked about earlier. And they’re beneficial for everyone’s mental health, not just children’s, but young children in particular cope best when they know the order and the way in which your family does daily activities, dinner, bath time stories, bedtime, that kind of thing. For older children, including them in planning routines and creating rituals for the family can increase their buy-in and gives them a sense of responsibility that can go a long way to strengthening those family connections as well. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (13:15): 

And what about in times when the day isn’t going so well, or maybe not even the day, but you’re going through the loss of a loved one or you’ve just gone through a significant disaster, perhaps a flood or a bushfire. What would you suggest for families in those sorts of times when perhaps their normal routine has been totally upended and what would you advise for those families? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (13:40): 

I think it’s important to note that when we talk about routines, we’re not talking about things that are set in stone. Other ways I’ve heard them described are as rhythms or rituals. So in those kinds of circumstances, first of all, I’d suggest don’t feel guilty. Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to get back to that normal routine immediately. Instead, it can be really helpful just to try reintroducing one thing at a time. If everyone’s bedtimes have been blown out because you are having to work later for some reason, if you still make sure to sit down with your child and read them a story before they go to bed every night or however often, little elements like that can help to restore some sense of stability and predictability. I think the through line of all of those examples you just gave is a sense of chaos and uncertainty. 

(14:43): 

And the thing that routines can offer is the opposite, predictability, control. I think focusing on what you can control and just trying one small thing at a time and being flexible and adjusting to what works best for your family, setting aside what works for the rest of your extended family or other people at school or other people, I think we can get caught up in these ideas of what family life should look like. But if you can set those aside and just focus on what you’ve found benefits your family the most, you’ll be in a good place. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (15:28): 

And I love that message about despite the chaos, when everything isn’t going to plan, if you can just pull one thing from your normal routine, if you can just pull one thing back, that that really helps the child feel more settled and grounded. That’s a lovely message. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (15:42): 

Also, one other thing I wanted to mention is that routines can carry this stigma about them that they’re boring. They’re things that we have to stick to like exercising, eating healthy or whatever, but routines can be fun, like a family routine of getting together and watching a movie every Friday night or spending half an hour scrolling through Netflix and Disney trying to decide what movie to watch. There are aspects of routines, those rituals that can be fun experiences. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (16:15): 

That’s a really great point. Now, the C in PERCS is communication and meaning making. What do we mean by meaning making? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (16:23): 

So it’s normal for parents to want to protect their children from difficulties or to find it hard to talk about the things that are going on in their lives, the more challenging things. But we know that if children aren’t given the right information or enough information, they will make up their own meaning about what’s happening. And because of their developmental stage, often that is centred on themselves. They’ll blame themselves for what’s going on. So a really common example is a couple is fighting or going through a separation but haven’t talked to their children about it. Kids will often blame themselves for little innocuous things throughout the day, like not tidying their room or taking too long to brush their teeth or something like that. So when we talk about meaning making, we just mean that act of understanding the world around them. And the thing that is key to a child’s meaning making is communication, giving them the information, the age appropriate information that they need to understand their world. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (17:41): 

So within this, when we are talking about communicating and helping children to make meaning, how do we do that in an age appropriate way? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (17:48): 

So when we use those terms, age-appropriate, we’re really just talking about using simple, straightforward language and going into an appropriate amount of detail. And what that looks like will be different for every child, but parents know their children better than anyone and they will know what level of detail and what words will help children to make sense of the situation. And really you’re looking for what resonates with your child, but also to just offer them some reassurance that you love them, that it’s not their fault. And I want to encourage parents not to worry if they don’t have all of the answers, if they’re stuck for words, you could just say something like, I can’t answer that, that I love you and we’re going to get through this together. Or if it is a question that you can find an answer to, you might offer to go and look for the answer together with your child, which then offers another moment of connection. 

(18:52): 

It’s also important to let children know that you’re there for them when they do have questions ongoing. These aren’t one-off conversations. And if your child comes to you to talk whilst you’re in the middle of making dinner and you’re really busy, I know it can be tempting to put that off, but that may be the one time that your child feels comfortable to talk about that topic, to ask those questions. So if you can, we’d really encourage you to take a moment to stop and pause and talk with them about what’s going on. And finally, as I mentioned, these aren’t one-off conversations. So taking time to check in with their child and see how they’re feeling, listening closely and looking beyond what they’re saying to how they’re behaving, that can also give you an idea of what they might be feeling as well. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (19:51): 

And it’s interesting, isn’t it, how all of these moments, these five ways that we are talking about are also intertwined because stopping and having that moment to listen and answer questions is again, another way of moment of connection, isn’t it? And a way to let them know that no matter what, you’re there for them and they can come to you and ask you anything. And what lovely foundational building blocks for the future as children grow and develop and become older and more independent for them to know that ultimately they can come to you and ask questions. And it’s these little simple things that start from small beginnings that build as they get older and grow and develop. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (20:30): 

Absolutely. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (20:31): 

Our final letter in our PERCS acronym is support networks. Why is that important for children’s mental health and wellbeing? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (20:39): 

There’s that saying it takes a village to raise a child, which a lot of our listeners have probably heard. But feeling connected to family, friends, neighbours, community and having people that they know they can rely on outside of those parent connections is integral for children’s wellbeing. It’s important for everyone’s wellbeing really to feel connected and feel like you belong. But it’s especially important for children as they’re developing and finding their way in the world. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (21:14): 

A village can be one extra person or 10 extra people, can’t it? And it can also be found in surprising places. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (21:22): 

Absolutely. These support networks, they look different for every family and every situation. They can be made up of friends, extended family, professionals, practitioners who you see regularly like your GP, they can play a real important role in a child support network, educators, sporting coaches, all of these trusted adults who the child sees regularly and who can be someone who they can go to if they are uncertain about something or need someone to talk to outside of their family. Because we know that sometimes children might not feel comfortable talking to their parents whether the issue that they want to talk about is to do with them, or maybe they know that their family is going through a really tough time and they feel like they don’t want to add to their parents’ stress. And for older children and teenagers as well, they’re at a stage where they’re building their independence outside of their immediate family. So it’s especially important for them to have other trusted adults that they can go to with their concerns. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (22:38): 

And so for our listeners today who are thinking, I know who my support networks are, how do we help children know who their support networks are? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (22:48): 

Yeah, so it is about, first of all, having a conversation with your kids. So asking them questions like, outside of our family, who do you like to have fun with? Who do you feel safe with? If you were worried or sad about something, who do you think you could talk to? Or if you had a problem or you felt upset at school, which adult could you speak with? And then the next step is to talk with them about what role they might want each member of their support network to play. Because we, even as adults in our family and friendship groups, I’m sure we all have a friend that we go to and we just need a shoulder to cry on. And then we have the other person who’s really practical and who we know will just get in there with the advice that we need. And so helping children to do the same, to identify, maybe grandma is the person that they can go to if they don’t want to talk about their problems, but they just want a hug and a hot cocoa or something like that. Just that comfort. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (24:00): 

I also love that one of my children’s, my own children’s support people was we’ve always had a dog and a cat, and it would be snuggling up with Martha after a long day. So I think also animals can provide a level of support as well. It’s often just that soothing comfort that children are looking for, isn’t it? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (24:19): 

That’s such an important point. Animals can be an incredible, very valuable member of a support network. For sure. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (24:25): 

Jacquie, thank you so much for joining us today to talk about the PERCS of Parenting. And for anyone that would like more information, where could they find it? 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (24:35): 

Yeah, absolutely. So we’ve just scratched the surface today. We have a whole bunch of resources exploring each of the five PERCS domains on our Emerging Minds website. So if they go to emergingminds.com.au/families there, they’ll find information not only on the PERCS, but on other ways to understand and support the children’s mental health and also resources for different challenges that families might be facing. 

Alicia Ranford – Host (25:05): 

Fantastic. And we will have those all listed in our show notes. So thank you so much for joining us today. It’s as always a pleasure to work with you at Emerging Minds, and I look forward to more conversations. 

Jacquie Lee – Guest (25:16): 

Thanks, Alicia. It’s been a delight. 

Narrator (25:19): 

Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.