Transcript for
Helping your child navigate the relationships in their life

Narrator (00:02): 

Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families Podcast. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (00:06): 

Hi. I’m Nadia Rossi and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds Families Podcast. We would like to pay respect to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia. In this podcast, we are talking about relationships. Relationships can be both wonderful and complicated. And whilst they can provide us with a wonderful feeling of connection and shared experiences, they can also be challenging to navigate at times. As a parent or caregiver, it’s important to support children as they find their way in developing relationships. From navigating their first friendships as very young children, through to the more complicated relationships they will have as young adults. These early experiences can help shape a child’s perceptions of relationships and lay the foundation for healthy connections throughout life. 

(01:10): 

Today we are talking with Jess. She is a foster parent and youth worker who knows firsthand how complex it can be helping children and young people navigate the relationships in their life. 

(01:22): 

Welcome Jess. Thank you for joining us today. 

Jess (Guest) (01:25): 

Thank you very much. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (01:26): 

Jess, I wanted to start by asking, what is it about our children’s relationships that, in your experience, parents should be taking an interest in? 

Jess (Guest) (01:35): 

I think when it comes to children, young people, their friendships are probably the most important, and so showing an interest in their friends shows an interest in their relationships. I think also for my family setup, having significant adults, they’re not always necessarily a family member, but they hold a role similar to a family member. So I think when you talk about these things, it helps them to process things that are a bit tricky or a bit hard and also helps them to celebrate the things that are going well and the people that they really love. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (02:05): 

And as a parent, do you find … When they’re taking an interest in relationships, do you think that there is a line between taking healthy interest in the child’s friendships and relationships and becoming too involved? And do you think this changes depending on the child’s age? 

Jess (Guest) (02:23): 

I think age and developmentally where they’re sitting as well. So sometimes you might have a kid that’s a little bit behind, and so taking more of an interest to help them problem solve some of those concerns early on can mean they avoid some of the things that come up, especially with children and young people and their friends. It also means that you’re showing an interest and I think that’s really important. It shows them that you value them and you value their friendships and their connections. And I think it’s the simple things like remembering the name of the friends that are important right now or remembering the name of somebody who’s maybe being a bit tricky so that you can remember what’s been happening with that person. 

(02:59): 

I’m a big fan of just using curiosity as well. Just asking questions and not making any assumptions about the relationship because the person they don’t like right now might end up being the friend or the friend might end up being the frenemy as well. So it’s important to just be a little bit laid back about it and just let them come to you with that information. I have a young person and she’s a teenager, so we are starting to talk about maybe relationships being with partner rather than just friends. Sometimes those can be super tricky for young people to talk about because they’re embarrassed and they have all these feelings. I think definitely talking to them about how do you want to do this is important because sitting down eyeball to eyeball, I’m not going to get anything out of her. But short bursts every so often and making sure you’re having these conversations before they’re at the age of maybe dating because you’re normalising that those conversations are going to happen will then help when maybe some bigger decisions are made about the dating time for them. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:05): 

Yeah, it’s different conversations at different ages. 

Jess (Guest) (04:08): 

Definitely. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:09): 

And age-appropriate conversations. So when your child is becoming a teenager or your young person is becoming a teenager and they’re starting to have relationships that aren’t just friendships, what kind of language do you use? 

Jess (Guest) (04:24): 

My young person uses the word crush a lot, so I’ve got a crush on this person. So again, I use that curious. Oh, what do you like about them? How do they interact with your friendship group? Are you at that point? Just so then that way you’re starting to gauge how serious that is for them. And she really clarified for me that a crush is not dating. It’s different. I’m like, “Okay, that’s cool. I like that.” So being able to use their meanings for some of those words as well, because what I grew up thinking about, especially around dating and all that kind of stuff, is very different to how she sees things. 

(04:57): 

So I need to be able to rework some of that language and learn from her about what that actually means. So asking and being curious. What does that actually mean for you? Because this is what it meant for me as a teenager a long time ago. And she really likes that because it means she’s teaching me stuff, which then puts her in a position of power which helps her feel more confident with those conversations. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (05:18): 

And when that kind of relationship is starting and maybe not going so well or not ending so well, how do you find being a support for them in that moment? As well, how does she want to be supported in that moment? Is it different from maybe a friendship ending? 

Jess (Guest) (05:37): 

I think so. I think it’s much more practical. So it’s about do we need to watch a sad movie? Do we need a distraction activity? Do we actually want to talk about it? Because often the answer’s no. They’ve just got some feelings that they kind of need to manage and cope with and deal with over time. So probably less words when that sort of stuff is happening for them is the better option. But again, take their lead because they’ll know what they need. Sometimes you just have to draw it out of them a little bit. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (06:06): 

And do you think that there’s anything that makes those conversations difficult? How can we set up those conversations with your child about those maybe tricky relationships that makes them comfortable or able to talk to? Because I know you said wait for them to come to you, but if a parent wants to have that conversation with their child or they’ve picked up on something that they want to check in with a relationship, how do you think they’re best to do that? 

Jess (Guest) (06:33): 

I think it’s important that you are checking in semi-regularly, so not that immediately after they get in the car or get into the house after school because their brains are not online for those conversations. But by being curious and just seeing how things are going. Don’t make it feel like it’s a setup. I think when they know that you’re fishing for information, they tend to tune you out a little bit as a parent. I think also it’s not just their friends, it’s their other relationships. I know that we at home have conversations about teachers as well, and some of those connections are really positive and some of them are not so positive, and so it’s about keeping track of some of that stuff as well, knowing when you might need to step in with a little bit more support officially. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (07:15): 

Yeah. I think that’s so great is finding the right time for them to have those conversations, giving them that space and that time and an environment that makes them feel comfortable. 

Jess (Guest) (07:27): 

And I think it’s when they give you a little bit, not grilling them. It is just the curiosity. “Oh, I’ve heard you talk about that friend before. What else is going on for them?” Or whatever the questions might be to just guide that conversation curiously rather than an interrogation. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (07:42): 

How do you tackle conversations when it is particularly difficult? So I’m thinking more … We’ve touched on maybe bullying and friendships, but perhaps relationships with biological parents if children are in out-of-home care. So is it a different way to have those conversations? How would you have that conversation with a child? 

Jess (Guest) (08:04): 

I think the way that has worked the best for me is really letting them open up that conversation. So they might mention something about that person and I normally just acknowledge that they’ve said something. “Oh yeah, that’s interesting.” And just leave it. If they want to then follow that thread, they’ll pick up the conversation with you. They will provide lots of really random bits of information, so it’s important that you are listening when they’re talking. Because you might not have a whole conversation in one go, it might just be dribbles of information. Then when there’s something really big has happened or they want to talk about something about that relationship, you’ve got all those little bits of information you can come back to. And being curious again, and really non-judgmental is super important. You want to support all of their relationships, whether you are involved in those relationships as well or not. I think it’s important that it’s about being curious and challenging them with gentle approach. So if there’s something that doesn’t quite light up or there’s a bit of discrepancy in information you’re being given, asking that curious question of, “I’ve heard you say this before, but now you’re saying this. That doesn’t sound the same. What’s different now?” And it gives them the opening to then have that conversation if they want. They’ll shut it down if they’re not ready. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (09:21): 

So you’re really taking the lead from the child in your care by what they’re feeding you in those conversations, but you have these questions in the back of your mind, your go-to questions to help have a conversation with them? 

Jess (Guest) (09:35): 

Yeah, very much so. And sometimes you might hear something that might be either really challenging or super tricky or it might be more serious and you may have to follow that conversation a little bit more with them. The gentle approach and being really open and honest. Like where’s the boundary of where you have to share this with somebody else or maybe where if they’ve got other supports, so a psychologist or a counsellor, that might be about them unpacking that issue a little bit further with somebody else as well. I’m always open to have those conversations, but I’m also aware there is a complexity of issues that go on behind the scenes and I think being able to access a professional can be helpful. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (10:17): 

I was wondering if we can maybe talk about … We know you have a child in your care and we know you have a great relationship with them. Do you know if she thinks it’s helpful when parents and carers talk to their kids about relationships? Have you spoken to her about that and how she feels? 

Jess (Guest) (10:33): 

Yeah, very much so. We have some really good open conversations because she’s not in a standard family with mom and dad, two and a half kids. So we talk about the people in our lives together and what roles they hold. So for example, some of my close female friends will hold an auntie role with her, so we label that so that she understands what that relationship is. We also then clarify what that means. Because sometimes in their family of birth, some of those relationships might have been a bit skewed or maybe not necessarily positive. So we want to myth-bust anything that maybe doesn’t sit right for us as a small family now. I think for her, it gives her a chance to really explore how those relationships are going. So it gives her a different point of view of when she’s interacting maybe with a biological family member versus somebody who’s holding a role but not necessarily related. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (11:28): 

It sounds like you’ve set up this network for them to feel supported and to have different people to go to. 

Jess (Guest) (11:35): 

Very much so. And I think one of the things that we’ve been really honest about is the circle of people you have. So I have my circle of people and some of them are related and some of them are not, but they don’t automatically become her circle of people. She gets to choose. So there are some of my friends that she’s like, “Oh, I don’t like that person.” And I really encourage that because that’s her circle and she doesn’t have to put somebody in there if she doesn’t want to. She also then has people that maybe are not in my circle super close, but they are for her. So it gives us a chance to have different relationships and different connections while still being a family together. I really also like that she comes back to me and says, “Oh, we’ve spent more time with so-and-so. I think I like them a bit more.” And then I can be curious about that and say, “Well, what is it about them that has changed for you?” And it might just be they’ve spent more time, maybe they got to know each other. Maybe they treat her like a human being instead of a little kid, and that’s really important for her. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (12:30): 

I was wondering if she had maybe any advice for parents who might want to talk to their kids about relationships and don’t know how? 

Jess (Guest) (12:41): 

Yeah. I had a bit of a chat to her and she said that setting up some of those tricky conversations so that they know it’s coming is a really good idea. So her example was, “I really want to talk to you about ex-friend. What is best for you? Do you want to go for a drive or do you want to sit down and have a chat?” For her, we often have our tricky conversations about driving because we don’t have to give each other eye contact. We can put music on in the background and literally we can drive for as long as we need to for that conversation to happen. So if she says to me, “Let’s go for a drive,” I know that that’s probably going to be tricky for her. 

(13:14): 

She also talked about parents and caregivers talking with other adults so that they have a really good idea about different ways to approach different kids. She understands that the way that works for her isn’t going to work for everybody, so it’s about gauging what other people are doing and then thinking about the child or young person that you’re going to talk to and making sure that you’re approaching them the best way for them. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (13:38): 

So figuring out what their car ride is. 

Jess (Guest) (13:40): 

Yeah, definitely. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (13:41): 

Where is your comfortable zone? Because we need to have a tricky conversation, so where are we going for that or where do you want to be or- 

Jess (Guest) (13:47): 

Yeah. And also making sure that they’re in the right headspace for it. So time as well. So it might not be appropriate right now, but giving them the heads-up, “We’re going to have a chat about this later this afternoon. Does that work for you?” If they’ve got other stuff on their mind or they’re feeling really complicated emotionally about something else, you don’t want to then have a tricky conversation about relationships. So making sure that you’ve managed those other things to help them be in the best headspace for that conversation. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (14:13): 

And when we think about parents and caregivers having these conversations with the children and young people in their life, we may have touched on this, but is there any advice that you would have for them? I know we’ve said find the right time for the child, when the young person is ready, but what about the parent or the caregiver themself? Is there any advice that you have or the child in your care has for that? 

Jess (Guest) (14:35): 

I think my advice would be making sure you’ve got somebody that you can confidentially vent to, because sometimes you don’t necessarily like the person in the other part of the relationship with your child. We’ve had that a couple of times with a couple of friends where I’m like, “Ooh, that friend’s just not good.” But I wouldn’t say that to my young person, but I need to just go and then be like, “Oh, this little person is doing this thing and that’s annoying.” Or it might be about the teacher at school that seems to be singling them out and picking on them. She’s not ready for action for that, but I just want to jump in and help. So sometimes I need to talk to somebody and be able to vent about that, and I think that’s important. The child in my care said that when it comes to the parent, using non-judgmental stuff is really important because she knows that some of her friends are definitely friends one day and not the next, and she knows that she’s a teenager and most friends are going to be up and down. If I make judgments on those people, that influences her in a different way. 

(15:35): 

I think for her being able to have these conversations just naturally as a part of our life, so not having to make a big deal every single time we talk about this stuff. She really, really likes being able to celebrate her friends and also be able to vent, because a good vent session is important as well for them to be able to just say whatever they like about this person and for you not to change your judgement on them. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (15:56): 

And just say, “I’m going to listen to you. We’re not going to problem-solve. We’ll just listen.” 

Jess (Guest) (16:00): 

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. The question I ask is, “Do you want me to just listen or do you actually need some problem-solving?” Because sometimes she doesn’t have all of the ability to problem-solve something that’s going on, and I’m a great sounding board for that, but sometimes she just wants to vent about them and that’s okay too. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (16:17): 

I think because their relationships and their friendships change so much over the course of their life, but having that environment or I guess setting up that environment with the child in your care, letting them know that they have other grown-ups to go to, they have you to go to, as their relationships ebb and flow and change, at least they’ve got people that they can use as sounding boards and get advice from or just vent to. 

Jess (Guest) (16:40): 

Yeah. And sometimes they want somebody who’s not connected as well. They don’t want to necessarily talk to me about it because I know their friends or that relationship they’re talking about. So sometimes an auntie figure is a really good person to go to because they know her, but they don’t know everybody else in the situation. So she really can be heard in that moment. We talked about what can make it harder to have those conversations from her point of view. If you’re using a really harsh tone and your body language is matching that, what you’re saying is not going to add up. And so you can be gentle and you can be curious, but you’ve got to make sure you’re nonverbals and matching that. 

(17:17): 

And especially as parents, when we have opinions about our children and young people, we sort of want to arc up or we want to step in and our body language gives us away in that moment. So we kind of have to take a breath and just kind of pull that back in a little bit. She said it really is quite off-putting if it’s not matching. She also talked about giving her time to unpack her feelings, and I don’t have to always do that with her. She may then come back and tell me how she’s feeling, but we want to problem solve a lot of the time. So if she’s feeling angry and sad, that’s okay, and we just sometimes have to step back and let them deal with that feeling and sit with it and just stepping in when we feel like it’s maybe crossed a line for us, and they may need some support to work through that. But for her, it was really important that we give her space and give her time to actually process some of those feelings. 

(18:12): 

She would come home, she might be really angry at a friend. The next day, it’s fine. That’s not because she doesn’t care, it’s just because she’s had time to manage what’s been happening, and she’s had a bit of a look at her own feelings about that and she feels ready to now move on. It’s not that she doesn’t care. She cares very much, but she’s now had more time to process. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (18:31): 

I think it’s just coming back to that taking their lead. I think as a parent or a caregiver, you really may want to jump in at any time that you see that they’re experiencing pain or upset, but I hear what the child in your care is saying is that they sometimes need time to feel those emotions and be like that and then process it themselves with just knowing you’re there. 

(18:55): 

Just to finish off, if you could leave our listeners with one piece of advice or one takeaway from what we’ve spoken about today, is there one nugget that you would give them? 

Jess (Guest) (19:07): 

Listen and be curious. I think that is what I do every single time we have a conversation. Not just about relationships, about everything. Remembering to listen to your young person or your child and really be curious. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (19:20): 

And that takes patience in you as well. 

Jess (Guest) (19:22): 

Yeah. Definitely. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (19:24): 

Thank you, Jess, for joining us today and for helping us to bring a voice to the child who is currently in your care. 

Jess (Guest) (19:30): 

Thank you very much. 

Nadia Rossi (Host) (19:31): 

And thank you to our listeners for joining us. If you would like to keep up to date with our latest conversations, follow our podcast channel at Emerging Minds Families. You can also follow us on Instagram at Emerging Minds AU or on Facebook at Emerging Minds Families. 

Narrator (19:48): 

Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.