Transcript for
Navigating family life this holiday season
Narrator (00:02):
Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families podcast.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (00:05):
Hi, I’m Alicia Ranford and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. Before we get started, we’d like to pay respect to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia. Christmas and the end of year holiday period can hold different meanings for families. For some, it’s a time of religious significance and spiritual reflection, perhaps a celebration of faith and tradition. Others cherish it as a time for reunions, sharing meals and creating memories. Many families love the joy of gift giving and transforming their homes with decorations and festive cheer. However, for many, the holidays can also bring about feelings of stress, loneliness, or financial pressure. With Christmas festivities in full swing, I’m excited to be talking with psychologist Dr Angie Willcocks about how to navigate this holiday season and find ways to make it work for you and your family. Welcome, Angie. Thank you for spending time with us today.
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (01:12):
No problems.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (01:14):
For many, Christmas is a really exciting time of parties and celebrations, but in your experience, what can some of the other realities be for families around this time of year?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (01:24):
I think that it is very important to recognise that not everybody experiences Christmas and the holiday season in the same way. Of course, all families look different and they have different needs and different stresses, different challenges. It is impossible to name them all for every family, but the common ones that I hear about as a psychologist in the lead up to Christmas would be, as you’ve mentioned, financial stress. I think the pressure to create a so-called perfect Christmas has never been higher. We see a lot of it in media and people’s social media. The idea that you can buy the perfect gift, decorations, amazing food, matching pyjamas. All of these things can strain their finances, and I think particularly at the moment with cost of living stresses, interest rates, et cetera, families are feeling this more than ever.
(02:12):
So media then coupled with the real financial pressures, I think doesn’t help. Also family issues. Big events like Christmas can lead to increased family tensions or at least an increased awareness of them, which we might be able to ignore for the rest of the year. Related to this would be relationship strain for couples, maybe added conflict and pressure for separated families. There can be an increase in stress related to who gets what time with the kids, and that can really raise its head, particularly over the long school holidays and the Christmas break. Of course, a link to both of these is emotional stress. As you’ve mentioned, Christmas can trigger feelings of loneliness and grief, anxiety, especially for those who are struggling with loss or mental health concerns or general life overwhelm.
(02:56):
Just a couple more. I think work-life balance. For some people at this time of year, we might see, again in our social media, a lot of people with time off. And if we are still working, that can feel quite stressful or isolating. And then I think cultural or religious differences, those from diverse cultural or religious backgrounds, the holiday season for really celebrating Christmas might not align with their own traditions. And this might lead to feelings of being different or perhaps isolated. Also, at the moment, many may feel a sense of confusion or guilt or just being unsettled with the awareness that we do have it quite lucky here in Australia compared to a lot of countries at the moment and people who are experiencing really significant war and conflict. And that can lead to a sense of being unsure if we should celebrate or how we should celebrate.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (03:47):
There’s certainly a lot to consider at the moment, isn’t there? More than just presents under a Christmas tree. And how do you think families can strike a balance between embracing these holiday traditions and managing the stress not only around the holiday season, but what’s going on in the world around us?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (04:04):
First of all, and this is going to be probably a theme of our conversation today, would be setting realistic expectations for yourself and for others. Really understanding and being very mindful that the images that we see in the Instagram posts, et cetera, are not necessarily realistic. Nothing and no one is perfect and it’s very important to remind ourselves of that. Even getting off social media or tuning out of perfect Christmas stuff, if that helps, would be a good idea.
(04:32):
And next, prioritising and simplifying. I think identifying things that are most meaningful for you and your family and focusing it on those. And it’s not necessary to do anything. Simplifying where you can and bringing back to basics. This was true for me last year because I had COVID in the lead up to Christmas and I was quite sick and I was having Christmas at [inaudible 00:04:53] and I would normally go overboard and I just couldn’t. And I really realised that I didn’t need to because actually it was fine with everything being very simplified.
(05:03):
Next would be planning and delegating, and we know this, but trying to avoid last minute stress by planning ahead and making a to-do list, creating a budget to stick to and then giving other people things to do. That can get into people being perfectionistic and needing to let go of that and let other people help them out and do things. Being mindful and intentional about how you spend your time in the lead up to Christmas. In particular, taking time to reflect on which events are important to you and not as close to you. And very importantly, don’t let self-care go out the window. Intentionally prioritising sleep, rest, connection with people that you love, eating as healthily as possible, exercising, using whatever you usually do to manage stress. And finally, communicating clearly, which I’m sure we’ll talk more about, but be as clear as possible about your situation and your particular stresses.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (05:57):
And in thinking about that last point you made about communicating effectively, what are some ways we can communicate with our children around the expectations and pressures that surround Christmas?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (06:09):
I think it’s a really important question because we know that kids can also have access to social media themselves, and so they might also have an idea of what the perfect Christmas might look like for them. And recently I’ve heard of kids swapping Secret Santa stuff at school and things like that, and that can cause a lot of distress and stress. So I think it is coming back to communicating for you as a family what Christmas means to you and that however that looks for you with your family, coming back to your own family values and just communicating with them as openly, I suppose, and age appropriately as possible. What you are going to be doing, whether your festive season and how you are going to be celebrating and what is realistic for you.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (06:55):
We know from many of the families we speak with that family dynamics are often quite complicated. Are there strategies families can use to establish and maintain perhaps some healthy boundaries with extended family and friends during the holiday season?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (07:10):
I think one of the main things that’s really important here would be really clear communication. So I think most importantly, it’s important to set realistic expectations again, so be as clear as possible with family members about what you can and can’t do. And this will help set those boundaries. This is difficult for people who maybe, again, are people pleasing or perfectionistic because in setting a boundary for ourselves, it’s important to understand that the other people might not always be over the moon about that. So that then comes back to our own emotional regulation, our own stress management, and looking after ourselves and reminding ourselves of what is actually important to us.
(07:57):
Within that we can express our needs, openly communicate what we want and what we, I suppose, want from others within reason. So hopefully that will lead to a supportive and understanding environment, but it won’t always. So important to understand that, again, in setting boundaries, they won’t always go down with a big hug and everybody feeling good. Sometimes clear boundaries around things like Christmas can be pretty emotive. And so yeah, it is important to come back to your own stress management, self-care, and emotional regulation.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (08:30):
And I’m thinking that our role is in making sure we deliver those messages or those boundaries in a kind, clear and consistent way, and that’s our responsibility. And then how someone takes that is up to them, isn’t it? You can’t control that. So it’s being mindful of that.
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (08:47):
Exactly. I think we can often have an idea, and I say this quite often. We can have a false idea that good communication feels good and good communication doesn’t always feel good for us or the person we’re receiving it. So if we are clear and kind as possible and then the other person is upset about that, then there isn’t very much we can do about that.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (09:12):
Yeah. I think that’s a really great point for our listeners today. What would your advice be to someone who finds Christmas time and the celebrations that come with it overwhelming? How can we look after ourselves if this is our experience?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (09:26):
Firstly, I would encourage people to really reflect on what is it specifically that they find overwhelming about Christmas. I think sometimes we can just get into a vibe of thinking, “This is so overwhelming.” Without really reflecting on what it is that is overwhelming for us individually or personally. Thinking about is it the social expectations? Do we find that difficult? Is it financial pressure? Is it the pressure to get things done maybe at work by the end of the year? Is it the crowds? What is it? Is it increased family events? And so spending some time to really reflect on for yourself, what is it that is overwhelming? And then hopefully by pinpointing this, you can start to problem solve it for yourself a little bit.
(10:09):
For example, if it’s financial pressure, can you set a budget for yourself, speak with family members again, around expectations? Which we’ve already talked about. We can set boundaries and avoid over-committing. So declining invitations or limiting your participation. For example, by attending something for a brief period of time, coming back to delegating and sharing responsibilities. Of course, also connecting with supportive people. So thinking through who is supportive and how can we connect with those people who maybe hopefully share our values and can help us feel a little relieved in all the overwhelm and stress. I think also acknowledging, I talk about this quite often, acknowledging that it is a time period of increased stress, so that just is the case. So we will feel increased stress and we’ll feel that in our body and we might notice it in our thinking, and it’s very important to either start or continue whatever we do for our own stress management strategies. So returning to those things or continuing those things that are very important.
(11:16):
Often when we are busy, we can let go of things. I’m not going to go to that exercise class, or I’m not going to go for my walk, or I’m not going to do my breathing exercise because I’m too busy. And that’s the very time that you actually need to continue those things. So thinking about what helps you unwind and incorporate this into your day. We need to be mindful of not using perhaps unhealthy strategies, like you think alcohol, to wind down at the end of the day. This time year people can tend to drink a little bit more, and it’s just really important to understand that ultimately that will not help with stress management. So keep a bit of an eye on ourselves with that.
(11:57):
So I do think it is important to really also remember that we have to find the balance between setting boundaries and being tolerant of differences. I do think that today more than ever, we need to consider inclusion and tolerance as important, particularly perhaps at Christmas. We don’t want to just leap to labelling anyone we disagree with as toxic and thinking we must have a boundary in place. There is a difference at Christmastime and always between someone we don’t like or that we disagree with and someone that we actually feel unsafe with. So not liking someone or differing opinions can feel difficult, but we can set some boundaries around maybe not sitting with that person, trying to seek common ground and avoiding difficult subjects, focusing on playing a game or a light-hearted conversation.
(12:47):
However, if somebody is unsafe with aggressive behaviour, current or past violations of boundaries which leave people feeling physically and emotionally unsafe, then this is a different situation and coming back to needing firmer boundaries and prioritising your own safety. And we should remember that safety and wellbeing for all family members is very, very important. And we might need to then explore alternative arrangements such as separate family gatherings or being very transparent about who is coming to Christmas so that people can choose not to attend if there are significant family issues around safety.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (13:25):
And I really like that reminder that you can socialise and go to Christmas parties, but you actually can leave after an hour. You don’t have to stay for the duration, which also might help in perhaps limiting the alcohol intake at this time of year as well. So there’s strategies that work together, aren’t there?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (13:45):
That’s right. And that’s an example of the boundary that we talked about before. So being clear, “Happy to come, looking forward to seeing you all. I’m only going to be able to stay for an hour.” So it’s a boundary. It’s clear communication. You don’t even necessarily have to make an excuse or give people a reason for that. So that’s an example of clear communication and a boundary.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (14:08):
How can we provide extra support and understanding during this time if we do know that someone we know and love is experiencing mental health difficulties?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (14:17):
Yes, of course, there’s the increased stresses we’ve been talking about, social expectations. Particularly increased family interactions perhaps can exacerbate existing mental health challenges. And again, like I said about families before, we have to remember that every individual’s experience with mental health is unique. There is no one size fits all, and we don’t always know when people are experiencing mental health problems. So we really should err on the side of kindness and patience with everybody that we interact with, including someone at the supermarket, as well as those people within our own family. Remembering the saying about being kind because everybody we meet is fighting a battle that we don’t know anything about. So sometimes we will know that someone within our friendship group or family is experiencing mental health challenges, but we won’t always know that. And so really important to bear that in mind.
(15:12):
But coming back to your question, I think families can play a role in providing extra support and creating a supportive environment for people who they know are experiencing mental health challenges. So I suppose being mindful of any extra pressure that family expectations might be placing on people who are feeling a little vulnerable, being willing to be flexible or tone down the expectations. Depending on your relationship with that person, you might want to check in and see how they’re going in the lead up to Christmas and is there anything that they need or anything that you could do to help in any way. You might want to, and again, this depends on the relationship and dynamic, but you might want to check in and see if that person wants to be involved in planning the day in a way that is going to make it easier or more comfortable for them.
(16:03):
Respecting people’s boundaries is a big one, which is the flip side of what we’ve been talking about, of creating boundaries. Actually respecting when somebody says they need to limit social engagement or they’re leaving or that they don’t want to be drinking alcohol can be pressure. For example, “Have another drink. Stay longer.” So I think we can be really mindful of not putting pressure on people when they’ve told us what their boundary is. I think as well, we can limit sensitive topics in family situations, making a decision perhaps to keep things light and not getting involved in heated discussions or arguments, maybe trying to keep opinions to ourselves perhaps. And coming back to the alcohol, I think really key, making sure that we are offering non-alcoholic options all the time at every social or family event that we are hosting.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (16:58):
Oh, that’s a great suggestion. And becoming much, much easier to do as the range of averages is increasing. I have two kids myself who are older now, they’re 18 and 19. My husband and I are more able to communicate around the expectations of gift giving. What advice would you have for families listening today who perhaps have younger children where there’s more of an emphasis on the amount of gifts under the Christmas tree? Are there some ways we can encourage gratitude and perhaps giving back this Christmas?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (17:29):
Yes. I think key in that number one has to be leading by example, making a point of expressing gratitude regularly within our family and not just at Christmas. So sharing what you’re thankful for and explaining why you’re thankful for these things throughout the year. For example, exercises like three good things from the day day can help. If you haven’t been doing this through the year, you can start it in the lead up to Christmas. So for example, over the dinner table or before bed, just asking your kids, “What are three good things that you’ve experienced in your day?” It’s just more of a culture, I think, that isn’t just at Christmastime around expressing gratitude.
(18:09):
But particularly at Christmas, we can talk about giving, so having conversations with your children about gift giving, why we give gifts at this time of year, and that will vary for individual families as to whether or not they are celebrating it from a religious point of view or from a family gathering point of view, which we know many Australians do. So we’re talking about giving time, giving meals, giving attention, sharing what you have, and the idea that giving can be rewarding as well as obviously receiving gifts can feel good.
(18:43):
An example of this that we can do with our own children would be to involve them in choosing gifts so that they are understanding what we’re thinking about that person might like and involving them in thoughtful gifts and why that’s important and getting away, I suppose, from the financial or monetary aspect of it. So it might be actually about making gifts at home, making biscuits or something like that. You might also consider setting limits on the number of gifts that your children receive from extended family members, if that’s relevant for you. Focus on quality and big one would be focusing on giving experiences as gifts.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (19:22):
So it’s building that connection that you have with people by doing an experience with them or perhaps encouraging them to do an experience that they haven’t done before.
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (19:30):
Exactly.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (19:31):
We talked previously about the pressure to do what everyone else does and perhaps keep up with the Joneses. How can families create new traditions and rituals to make the holiday season more meaningful, personal, and enjoyable to them?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (19:46):
I’m a big fan of a family meeting. You could, I think, gather your family together, either your smaller immediate family or a wider family, and talk about what particular traditions or activities are most important to you during the holiday season. Making sure that everybody from young to old can share their ideas on what they most love about Christmas and what’s most important to them, and that can be surprising. I think for us sometimes as parents, it can be those little traditions or rituals that are very important to children. Alongside this would be incorporating, as I’ve said, those individual preferences for people within the family or the family group. For example, if you’re a family that really enjoys playing games or watching movies, they’re quite simple things that you can do and create an ongoing family tradition around that.
(20:39):
You might establish, and this is maybe linked to your previous question, you might establish a tradition somehow giving back as a family. So maybe selecting a charity to support or putting bags together for homeless people or people experiencing homelessness or something like that. Maybe volunteering together as a family. An example that I really like around family tradition that is fun would be creating a themed Christmas dress up or something like that so that everybody’s feeling connected in that way, but it’s relatively simple, relatively cheap, but makes us feel connected as a family. I think that we need to remember that the most important aspect of creating new traditions is that they resonate with your family values and your family preferences, and it doesn’t have to be what anybody else is doing. Being flexible and being open to trying different ideas until you find ones that feel the most meaningful and enjoyable for you and your family.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (21:35):
Oh, Angie, look, thank you so much for your really practical ideas today, and I think you’ve given listeners so many ideas for making the most out of Christmas this year. If people take away nothing else from today, what would you like for them to think about?
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (21:50):
I would like them to think about setting realistic expectations that come from their own values and their own family values so that people can prioritise what is important for them and trying, although I know it’s difficult, trying to tune out of the excessive racialization or perfectionistic pictures of what Christmas should look like. Really digging deep as a person and family to think about what is important to you, how can you simplify it and bring back your own values to Christmas.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (22:26):
What a fantastic note to end on, Angie. Thank you so much, and from all of us here at Emerging Minds Families, we really wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas.
Dr Angie Willcocks (Guest) (22:35):
And you, thank you.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (22:37):
And thank you to our listeners for joining us this year. From all of us here at Emerging Minds Families, we wish you and your family a very safe and enjoyable holiday period, whatever that may look like for you. If you would like to keep up to date with our latest conversations, we’d love it if you’d like and subscribe to our Emerging Minds Families podcast channel, and you can also follow us on Instagram at @emergingmindsau or on Facebook at Emerging Minds Families. You have been listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. If anything spoken about in today’s episode has been distressing for you or you find yourself struggling, please reach out for help. You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or more resources for support can be found in our show notes.
Narrator (23:24):
Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads The National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health program.