Transcript for
The strengths and resilience of single parent families who’ve experienced tough times
Narrator (00:02):
Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families Podcast.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (00:05):
Hi, I’m Alicia Randford and you’re listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. Before we start the conversation today, we’d like to pay respects to the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We also pay respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors and elders past, present, and emerging from the different First Nations across Australia.
(00:30):
In today’s wonderfully diverse society, families can come in many forms, each with their own unique strengths and challenges. Whether as you listen today, you are from a same-sex, adoptive, nuclear, single-parent or blended family, you all reflect the richness of human relationships and at Emerging Minds, we really value all families.
(00:52):
In today’s conversation, we are going to be talking about the unique connection of single-parent families and the strength and resilience and the distinctive experiences and challenges that they can face as they navigate daily life. I’m really thrilled to welcome back Emi and Elliot, who have spoken to us previously about the ways families can reconnect if they have become disconnected over time. If you haven’t already listened to that podcast, you can find a link in our show notes.
(01:18):
Hi, Emi and Elliot. It’s great to have you both with us today.
Emi (Guest) (01:21):
Hi.
Elliot (Guest) (01:22):
Hey, hey, thank you for having us.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (01:23):
Emi, you and Elliot have experience as a single-parent family. Could you tell us a bit about this and that time in your life?
Emi (Guest) (01:30):
Yeah, I was a single parent I think for more time than being parented. So my first two children, I was a single parent and neither of their dads were involved in our lives from the very start, so they only ever known the family as a single-parent family. And then I met my ex-partner and had two more children, and then that relationship ended and I was a single parent again, so yeah.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (01:56):
Elliot, you were obviously very young during this time. What are your memories of this experience?
Elliot (Guest) (02:01):
Literally nothing but good things. So when it was just me and my younger brother, it’s about four years, three, four years between us, I loved it. It was just Mumza, me, my little brother and these two cats and sometimes a dog that we had. And I don’t know, it was just the entire time, I didn’t feel like I needed a father or a dad.
(02:28):
I knew that Mumza was very open from the beginning. I knew that I had a dad and that he just wasn’t in my life. They didn’t have to go into it. I also knew that my little brother had a different dad to me who also wasn’t in our life, and it was just a fact. For a six-year-old, it was just a fact. And it was one of the most amazing childhood memories from when it was just us three.
(02:52):
And it was like when Mumza started dating my stepdad, who I call dad now, I actually hated it. In the beginning, I hated his guts. I felt like a six-year-old. I didn’t want things to change. I loved it that it was just us three and I had so many beautiful childhood memories because of that.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (03:15):
And it sounds like you really normalised this as this is what your family was like.
Emi (Guest) (03:20):
Oh, definitely. I always felt really strongly. And back then, there was very much a kind of social cultural understanding that if you are a single parent, you weren’t a complete family, and there were very negative ideas around single parenting. And if I had have followed what was the social messaging, it would be that my children were going to grow up and become juvenile delinquents because I was a single parent and they needed a man in their lives.
(03:46):
I did not go with that at all, and so I was very adamant that just because we were a single parent family, it made no difference and it didn’t mean that we were lacking anything. It didn’t mean that I was lesser. And I did get caught up in the idea that the kids needed a male father figure, but not that much.
(04:06):
I did try to maintain this idea that I was able to provide everything that they needed, but that was hard. That was a pretty dominant messaging around at the time. But nonetheless, I really presented our family as a complete unit. And also, even though Elliot and my other son had different fathers, I never, ever used the term step or half sibling or anything like that. In my mind, there was never any difference between … We were just a complete family.
Elliot (Guest) (04:34):
Yeah. And from the get-go, growing up, I never saw our family as less than others. I almost saw it as is better because Mumza was way more present than other families, and they were always with us. It was always just us three. And so we were this really strong family unit, and yet I knew that my brother was technically my step-sibling. I knew that he wasn’t my full brother, but I never, ever saw him as anything but. It wasn’t until I grew up and I started seeing things on mainstream media, other kids, that I realised that not everyone actually sees that. People see half siblings as less than full siblings. And I have never, ever, ever seen any of my younger siblings as anything but my siblings.
Emi (Guest) (05:30):
Brother and sister. Could never be any other way.
Elliot (Guest) (05:32):
Yeah. My little sister and my little brother do share the same father. I don’t think of them as any less or any more my siblings. It will always be us four. We’re all siblings, three brothers, one sister. It’s always been like that. It’s just like it’s never been half or anything.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (05:50):
It’s a lovely message that family is family.
Elliot (Guest) (05:54):
Yeah, yeah.
Emi (Guest) (05:55):
Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And a sole parent family is just as much a family as a two-parent family.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (06:01):
And I know from speaking with you before, Emi, that you did face challenges as a single parent family. Can you tell us a little bit about those?
Emi (Guest) (06:09):
Yeah, I guess there was the challenging … Well, there was quite a few, but to start, one would be around time. So definitely everything … You really had to be organised with your time because you were doing everything by yourself. I didn’t have for a lot of the time, any assistance. And the assistance I had was very unassisting, so I didn’t have things like babysitters or so on. So if I got sick, really couldn’t do much. I just had to be sick with the kids. It’s very hard to go out and do things. I was studying art at the time, and there was always lots of art openings, so I just took the kids with me. But some things I just couldn’t go to.
(06:42):
And then there was a money aspect, so we definitely were a lot poorer, I guess, financially because of the money. And then I guess there was also just that ongoing messaging around single parenting that was very hard to hold up against. And so when I met my ex, it was like this sense of relief that, “Oh, finally we’re going to be a full family.” Even though I knew that wasn’t the case, I think that messaging just impacts eventually.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (07:10):
Elliot, when we spoke, you said a beautiful thing was that looking back, you never realised that you didn’t have any money.
Elliot (Guest) (07:17):
Yeah.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (07:17):
Do you want to make a comment about that?
Elliot (Guest) (07:19):
Yes. So as an adult, I can look back and I realised that we were actually quite poor. But I don’t know, as a child that never ever struck me. It wasn’t the fact that … It was almost like, it wasn’t that we were poor, it was just other kids were really spoiled.
(07:36):
So I never had this concept of we were poor or we were struggling for money because we all got to go on school camps. We always had a school uniform. They were secondhand, but that was just because there was no point buying a school uniform when the secondhand ones are just as good. And that’s something that I still keep with me to this day.
(08:00):
The toys that we did get were sturdy. They lasted us. And also we had each other. We didn’t need to go buy things from the tuck shop because we had our own lunch. And it was just growing up, instead of seeing us as poor, it was, we have a better outlook on life than these other kids do. These other kids are getting these big things for Christmas, and it’s just like, “Wow, you don’t need that.”
Alicia Ranford (Host) (08:28):
So it sounds like you really distilled some alternative values in your kids throughout this time.
Emi (Guest) (08:34):
Yeah, very much. I guess I always had strong values of social justice and equality, I suppose, and that’s informed my parenting, and that means that I guess that was probably something that helped me a lot with the difficult times of single parenting, because I was able to frame it in almost like a political mindset. And I suppose that kind of externalises it a little bit because it’s not really about me then, it’s about some external force.
(09:01):
Because we didn’t have a lot, the things that we did have, I have really had to put a lot of time into to make it last and make it worthwhile. So I cooked a lot of our own meals because we just couldn’t afford to go out and eat, takeaway or dine out, so they couldn’t go to the tuck shop, for instance. So yeah, I cooked all the meals. When I bought them something, I tried to buy something that was nice and good quality and would last, and it’s usually secondhand.
(09:26):
So I guess I, yeah, became kind of thrifty, I suppose. I suppose I just put a lot of thought into what we did do, and we did stuff which didn’t cost anything. We would have a lot of times we would go out. On the weekends, we’d try and go somewhere new. So if I had enough for petrol, we’d go for a big drive somewhere and go to a beach or a walk, and if I didn’t, we’d just go around where we lived and do some exploring. So I guess I tried to have a lot of adventures.
Elliot (Guest) (09:54):
We were also a very active family actually looking back.
Emi (Guest) (09:57):
Yeah, we were. Yeah.
Elliot (Guest) (09:57):
When we were in New South Wales on the east coast, we were going to the beach almost every day for a swim, because east coast, it’s a lot less tamer than a lot of the beaches here. It’s less so much as an easy day out and was more a bit more of a physical-
Emi (Guest) (10:14):
An adventure.
Elliot (Guest) (10:14):
Yeah, yeah, and we had bikes and I had a set of roller skates, and we were always out of the house.
Emi (Guest) (10:26):
I think because being poor, your house is usually pretty small. You’re cramped. You want to get out because you want to get out of your four walls.
Elliot (Guest) (10:34):
It wasn’t until I moved out that any of the kids had their own room. It was only because once I moved out, there was an odd number.
Emi (Guest) (10:42):
Yeah, yeah, and Elliot’s room was a sunroom a lot of the time.
Elliot (Guest) (10:45):
Oh, yeah, yeah. I think the only time I ever had my own room was this one time where it was a repurposed sunroom where they just got the wall knocked out, because you could only access it from the outside. So they knocked the wall in and it became my bedroom for a bit with a curtain.
Emi (Guest) (11:05):
Yeah.
Elliot (Guest) (11:06):
I loved it. I mean, I hated it because I had to go through my brother’s room to get to my room and he was like, “You can’t go through here,” but I loved it because it sucks to be him, I have my own room and it’s a sunroom.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (11:15):
I love that. And were there resources or supports you access that help you during this time?
Emi (Guest) (11:22):
Yeah. Usually when we went to a new area, I would always find the local library. So there were two periods of being a single parent. The first period was before I met my ex, and that was up until Elliot was either five or six, and that was the more idyllic period, and things weren’t as hard then. It still had challenges, but it was definitely more idyllic.
(11:48):
And then the second period was after my ex had left, and that was when you were about 14, 15. That was a time where things were quite tricky and involved homelessness. I was dealing with a lot of trauma. We were quite disheveled really in many ways. That was a lot more challenging. That involved a lot of moving around because we were going from refuges and trying to find a safe place, and yeah, it involved lots of upheavals. I guess that was when I really tried to find the community services, so it would be like the local food places, the local community organisations, the-
Elliot (Guest) (12:26):
Soup kitchens.
Emi (Guest) (12:26):
Yeah, soup kitchens. Those places were actually really, really good.
Elliot (Guest) (12:30):
We had a lot of good family memories at soup kitchens.
Emi (Guest) (12:33):
Yeah, soup kitchens were fantastic.
Elliot (Guest) (12:35):
Even though, yeah, they were for people who were struggling, or I know there was definitely a couple of places. There was probably a lot of people who were homeless. We had some really, really good family bonding time, I guess there when it was just all of us five, I guess, by then.
(12:49):
And it was also nice because you got to have food that you wouldn’t normally have. One time we had a lasagna. It was the best. Oh, it was so good. And there was mac and cheese, all sorts of things that Mumza wouldn’t cook or anything like that. And we got to have it for free pretty much. And when they gave out bread, because us kids were there, you get all these beautiful, beautiful old ladies who would just give us free cookies and cupcakes, and we got all these free sweets, and so it was a really good time.
Emi (Guest) (13:22):
One thing that I always tried to do was have some kind of weekly thing, like a weekly treat. So in the first period, the idyllic period of being a single parent, once a week, myself, Elliot and Elliot’s brother would walk, it was like a 20 minute walk, maybe a bit longer, and we’d walk along the water kind of dock front area where we lived in Newcastle, and we’d go and get an ice cream and then we’d walk back, and we did this every Sunday. Do you remember?
Elliot (Guest) (13:46):
Yeah, I think I remember this, yeah.
Emi (Guest) (13:48):
Every Sunday, just religiously for a long time, and it was just something that we did. And then we kind of replicated that with the visits to the soup kitchens. It was a nice thing to do to have this kind of regular family outing. It was like something that was ours, our family thing.
(14:06):
I think something that was really good for us, because when you’re a single parent, you have to work harder to make yourself a family unit because the messaging is so much, even now that you’re not a family unit, that you are incomplete. And so I really wanted to work hard at creating this sense of a family unit to withhold against that messaging, which ultimately the kids and I would get, even the kids definitely. And so we would do a lot of things together as a unit to create this sense that we were this complete unit.
Elliot (Guest) (14:35):
And it worked. Because of these outings and adventures that we all did, because we all did them together, no one got left behind. If you didn’t want to go, too bad, you’re coming along.
Emi (Guest) (14:48):
And sometimes the kids did not want to go. Sometimes we would be dragging them out the door just about, but every single time, we would always be just so happy after. We have so many good memories.
Elliot (Guest) (14:59):
And that’s the thing, because whenever we didn’t want to go, it was because we were grumpy, angsty, teenagers, we’re smelly, sweaty, and all these emotions, but it always felt so much better and we always had so much fun even if it was just walking along the beach and racing against waves or something, or mucking around or something. One of us would always take it too far. I’m pretty sure it was just me and my brother that always did. But at the end of the day, it was a really, really positive time. It’s something that I still try to use and do with my own son.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (15:38):
You obviously just did a wonderful job at finding those family moments, hearing Elliot’s reflections on that time.
Emi (Guest) (15:44):
Yeah. Yeah, I think we had some really nice ones.
Elliot (Guest) (15:47):
Yeah.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (15:48):
And were there things you did to foster a sense of belonging and community during the non-idyllic time when you did feel more isolated?
Emi (Guest) (15:56):
I think it was finding the local community activities and outings. In the days before we had … Facebook was a thing then, but it wasn’t big, so you would go to your community notice board or look in the local paper, because it had to be free because I literally never had spend money to pay for anything, and most of these community-driven events were free. And so we would try and go along to these, and there might be an art event happening in the park, or there might be a kid’s reptile event happening, so that kind of stuff where, because-
Elliot (Guest) (16:29):
Arts and crafts in the library were fun.
Emi (Guest) (16:31):
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, definitely the stuff that happens in the library, things where we could go, and always mindful as well that they couldn’t be too organised because if life’s a little bit difficult, usually kids are a little bit unruly, so you didn’t want to go anywhere where the kids had to be told what to do and behave and all that, so it had to be a little bit open-ended.
Elliot (Guest) (16:51):
We were not good at that. We were monsters. I loved it.
Emi (Guest) (16:57):
Well, typical rambunctious children with some difficulty thrown in the mix, yeah. Going to somewhere where they had to sit down and listen was not going to happen.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (17:07):
But it sounds like there was lots of activities, Elliot, that you really valued.
Elliot (Guest) (17:10):
Yeah. The times where we were outside or running around, those were the best. Also, I guess because we did it all the time, but we always used to go for walks along the beach. And some of those did happen while Dad was still with Mums, but he wasn’t there. He was very absent. So it kind of almost was like it was just us and Mumza. For so long, it was just like, even though Dad was there in the sense that he was in the house or he was doing work, he was never actually there as a parent. Well, at least not for me. But yeah, he was never actually as a parent. And so it meant a lot of the things that we did, we did with just Mumza. And so yeah, walks along the beach where we’d all go at different paces, but we’d all get back together as a group and then spread out and then come back together again. Those were some of my favourite things. Also, hikes up really tall mountains.
Emi (Guest) (18:11):
We did a lot of hikes.
Elliot (Guest) (18:13):
A lot of hikes.
Emi (Guest) (18:14):
We did beaches, rock climbing and hikes. Yeah. They were our favourite things. We did a lot of that and we saw a lot of really beautiful places.
Elliot (Guest) (18:23):
Yeah.
Emi (Guest) (18:23):
Because of our financial situation, we were pushed out and out of the cities because who could afford to live in the cities? We never could. And we just got further and further out. But what that meant was we had access to this incredible environment around us. Nature has always been so incredibly important for our family, and it’s always been incredibly important for me.
(18:43):
And so we did a lot of stuff. We just used to go to these places where no one else was. It was just us. The kids could run off and do whatever, and we were really adventurous. I mean, walking back, the kids did some pretty full-on stuff, rock skipping, climbing up vertical hills.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (18:59):
And Emi, looking back, what did you learn about yourself during this time and your strength as a single parent?
Emi (Guest) (19:05):
Well, I guess I never thought I was going to be a parent, and I never thought I could be or wanted to be. I just thought it was completely out of my range of life things. So I guess I learnt that I can be a parent and actually have a fair bit of maternal instinct in me, maybe not the most traditional one, but it’s there. I’m non-binary, so maybe I literally am a bit a mum and dad. So I guess that is one thing I learnt.
(19:30):
But I learnt that I could be a complete parent for the kids, and I learnt that I had to do a lot of educating myself to be a parent because I literally had been given no parenting skills from my own childhood. And in fact, I mentioned this before, I parented a negative, so the only parenting skills that I brought to my family was what not to do, so I had to learn what to do. Some of it comes naturally and logically, but I did do a lot of reading and I did some courses just to skill myself in how to be a parent, and that was ongoing.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (20:03):
And were there rewarding aspects of being a single parent that you perhaps didn’t anticipate?
Emi (Guest) (20:07):
Yeah, definitely. Just how close we are. I’ve been able to compare it to being in a relationship. Even though the relationship wasn’t healthy, if I could maybe take out the unhealthiness, just the very fact that it’s complicated, parenting with another person.
(20:24):
But I guess what I found out being a single parent, which I wasn’t expecting, is that you are able to just be completely with your kids. Not saying that you don’t have a life of your own. You do, but it brings in so much I think that you couldn’t get as a couple family. It’s just yourself and your kids. Society’s set up for couple parenting, so you’ve got to do the job of the two parents in our social world, the way the society’s set up, so it’s more difficult in that way, but you just have this incredibly strong bond. And we literally did do everything together. And yeah, I wasn’t expecting the closeness that came from that, and that was really precious.
Elliot (Guest) (21:05):
I used to think that … Well, I sort of still do, but I used to hate having two parents. It used to really, really bug me the fact that I had two parents, and obviously partially because I did spend my formative development years with just me, my brother, and Mumza. But I still hated the fact that there were two different sets of rules. Yeah, follow the same traditions and general family rules, but there was individual things where Mumza had one opinion, Dad had a different opinion, or Dad really, really wanted us to do this activity and it’s something that Mumza was indifferent, but no matter how healthy the relationship, I don’t think there’ll ever be that true 100% mesh of singular opinion because it is impossible.
(22:01):
And so as a child, having a single parent that I can trust, that I know isn’t going to split in half or fight with themselves, I don’t know, it was so much better than having to share, I guess, and also the fact that we all had an equal relationship with Mumza. They loved us all the same, whereas-
Emi (Guest) (22:26):
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that’s true actually, because it was just me. There wasn’t this sense of sharing the love in a way and some of-
Elliot (Guest) (22:34):
Or splitting the love.
Emi (Guest) (22:35):
Splitting the love. Yeah, and yeah, the kids all knew they were loved equally. There was never any sense that they weren’t.
Elliot (Guest) (22:42):
Yeah.
Emi (Guest) (22:42):
If ever the kids ever said, “Oh, how much do you love me?” I’ll always say, “Well, love can’t be measured. It’s either there or it’s not, and it just is.”
Elliot (Guest) (22:50):
It’s almost like their catchphrase now.
Emi (Guest) (22:51):
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Elliot (Guest) (22:52):
Love can’t be measured.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (22:55):
How do you think being a single parent has shaped your perspective on parenting and the values you instil in your children?
Emi (Guest) (23:02):
I think I really respect the importance of being a parent, how much influence you have on your children, and that every parent is unique and different. I always knew that I didn’t parent in a very traditional way because being a single parent, being poor, but that doesn’t make it any less, it’s just different. So I’ve got a real understanding that differencing in parenting doesn’t make it less or more, it’s just different, and that if you don’t parent one way, it’s okay. The way you parent, if you’re not damaging your kids or doing something bad, the way you parent is probably fine. What fits in your family fits for a reason, because it’s your family.
(23:43):
So I guess I got a good respect for the role of parenting in children’s lives, and also aside from that, that it’s important to, you can’t know everything, and sometimes you do have to do some learning and education because we do have the benefit of understanding about child health. That’s not come out of a vacuum. That’s come with a lot of years of professionals doing this as their job and nothing else, and that’s a lot of wisdom that I was able to tap into by doing some courses and reading and so on. So yeah, I guess I also learned that you don’t have to know everything or be everything, but that’s okay because there’s things you can do to fill the gaps.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (24:21):
And what about you, Elliot, as a parent yourself? What do you think the values that growing up in a single parent family have brought to your parenting and the way you parent your child?
Elliot (Guest) (24:32):
Yeah. Well, because growing up it was, Mumza’s whole attention was on us, it kind of made me really realise how much, especially because my son is only … He’s only five, so those younger years, toddler years are still pretty fresh in my brain. But when he was younger, I did a circle of security program and it was tailored towards infants. But one of the main thing was the whole checking in, checking out.
(25:00):
And so as a single parent, I had to be there the entire time. I all of a sudden could just see my child and see how much he loves me and see how much he needed a parent in a way that if I was in a relationship, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. And so in a way, it’s brought me so much closer with my son, and because it’s just us two. There’s no other sibling to share attention.
(25:29):
He still sleeps in my bed, and we do everything together. If I go and visit my friend, it is kind of like a guarantee that my son will be with me. If we go to the park, it’s together. If he goes to an activity, I will be there too. So I’m the one who drops him off at school and picks him up. So one of the things I always try to instill is the fact that because it’s just us all the time, we get to see each other’s bad sides as well. It’s like obviously he’s a child. He gets grumpy and has tantrums, but he also sees me when I’m upset and I’m frustrated and I’m burnt out.
(26:06):
And so from the beginning, I told him the moment he was able to understand really, made sure to explain to him that, “I always love you. Even when I’m angry or I’m upset, I always love you.” And that is something that we tell each other all the time. Even sometimes when he has huge, huge tantrums where he’s really, really tired, he will stomp his feet, he’ll fling his hands, he’ll scream and then calms down, he will cry, and then he’ll say, “I’m really angry, but I still love you.” And it’s when I hear that that I know that he understands that I’m there for him.
(26:46):
And he’s at the age where he’s just still going through these intense emotions. He’s still learning how to manage them, and he’s not going to learn this, learn how to manage them for a while so I can help him understand it, but I can’t make him deal with these emotions so at the very least, I can be there for him no matter what.
(27:04):
And that’s why I’m trying to make it as a family, us two, that we are there for each other no matter what, and that I will always be his parent. I will always, always be his dad, and I will always be there for him, even if he messes up. That is something that I’ll always live by. And it’s partially because Mumza, the way that I was raised, the fact that no matter what, through thick and thin, they were there for me. Even then when I moved out and we separated for a bit, they were still there for me as my parent when I moved back in and reconnected, I guess. And so I always want to be able to live by that with my own son.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (27:48):
That’s lovely. And what would your message be to other single parents who may be feeling overwhelmed or isolated that are listening to this conversation?
Emi (Guest) (27:57):
Yeah. Look, it’s not always easy, but it is what it is, so I think just allow yourself to have the bad days, the days when you’re tired. You’re not going to be perfect. It’s hard, but you’re going to have the times when you just have so much joy. It’s a unique thing, being a single parent. It’s looked down on in so many ways, but it should be looked up. I mean, single parents do an incredible job.
(28:21):
It’s a unique situation where it’s just you and your kids, and that offers so many opportunities to be able to share what’s important to you with your kids. So yeah, think about what it is you want to pass down to your children. What do you want to instill in them? That’s important because you can and you will. And yeah, make use of things like childcare. It’s there for a reason. If you can use it, use it. I didn’t have a lot of family help, so childcare was really, really good, and just try and get out and make memories, and they’re usually done outside somewhere if you can.
Elliot (Guest) (28:56):
I would also say take the handouts. Throw away that sense of people pitying you or the whole needing charity or that whole thing. It’s just like if someone offers you something, take it because it’s going to be useful. And another thing is something that I always tell myself on my really, really bad days, because Mumza is the only other person that can actually help out when it comes to parenting, but I tell myself on the bad days where Mumza isn’t there for me, that 30% is enough. And it’s just like I think to myself, “30% is all he needs to be okay.” I can just do 30% for that one day.
(29:40):
There’ve been days where he’s just sat in front of the TV the entire time watching this one Octonaut movie on repeat, yeah, just watching this one movie on repeat. And he can do that because if he didn’t, he would probably suffer, because I’m not able to give him more than 30%. He’ll have food, he has water. When he had a nappy, I made sure his nappy was changed, and I can just sit in my bedroom and take the break that I need until the next day.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (30:13):
That’s a lovely message.
Emi (Guest) (30:14):
Yeah. There’s one more point I wanted to make. So because I had a problem with alcohol and other drugs at one stage, luckily it wasn’t a huge stage, but it was a stage, what I know is that being a single parent when you’re dealing with that as well, the biggest impact is you just can’t keep your children safe in the same way, and it can be potentially quite damaging.
(30:36):
I mean, when I say that there’s nothing wrong with being a single parent and so on, there isn’t, but because it’s just, you don’t have the ability to fall back like that. So you do have a bigger responsibility to manage your issues, and that’s one of your issues. It has to be managed because it’s a huge issue and it could be so incredibly destructive. So yeah, even though it’s got a lot more opportunity to have this incredible bonding and love, there’s a huge responsibility to make sure that you stay safe and healthy.
Elliot (Guest) (31:07):
Yeah, it’s one of those things where you kind of have to prioritise your children more than yourself, but prioritise your health so you can prioritise your children.
Emi (Guest) (31:17):
And the other important thing too, I think, is to make sure that you have something for yourself, whether that’s a hobby or volunteering work or a job or study, something that is incredibly meaningful for you, because you do need to keep your own self because it’s so much parenting.
Alicia Ranford (Host) (31:34):
Oh, thank you Emi and Elliot for talking with us today. And I really loved hearing the beautiful moments in your single parenting journey, and in particular both of your love of nature and what that’s meant for you as a family, so thank you.
Emi (Guest) (31:49):
Thank you.
Elliot (Guest) (31:49):
Thank you.
Narrator (31:51):
Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health.
(32:04):
Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.