Transcript for
Tips for new parents: Bonding with your baby in their first 12 months
Narrator (VO) (00:02):
Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families Podcast.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (00:06):
Hi, I’m Nadia Rossi. Bonding is considered a natural human instinct, and as new parents, we are told it is an important part of our newborn baby’s development, which helps to give them a sense of security and safety. For some, that connection comes easily, but for many parents, this bonding process can be more difficult. Today we are talking with Vicki Mansfield about bonding and how we can get to know our baby, especially when it hasn’t come naturally in the first 12 months. Vicki is a mother and mental health accredited social worker. She has spent most of her career supporting new parents in the transition into parenthood, working in maternity wards, midwife clinics, and with parenting groups. Welcome Vicki, thank you for spending time with us today.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (00:51):
It’s lovely to be here.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (00:53):
As new parents, we are told bonding and connecting with our babies, really valuable. But for those who might not know, can you tell us what bonding is and why it’s important?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (01:06):
Yeah, I think there’s a lot of discussion around bonding now, and in that initial meeting of baby and birth, there’s often discussion about skin to skin contact and bonding and connecting, but really it’s much bigger than that, much bigger. So really it’s getting to know each other, it’s about relationship, it’s about learning. It’s like all relationships, whenever we meet someone for the first time, we have to warm up and we have to get to know each other, and so it’s the same for parents and for infants. So it’s quite interactive and dynamic in lots of ways, but it’s also something that we often perceive as something we have to have happen straight away, but it’s not something necessarily that’s instantaneous because I think sometimes that’s how it’s portrayed.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (01:53):
And I guess there’s different ways of how you can bond and how you can connect. So how do you think the best ways to connect with your baby are in those early months, how do we do that?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (02:04):
In the early months, babies are primed for connection at birth, but there’s so much happening in those early days that we may not even be aware that they’re ready to communicate with us. So it’s a huge change for parents in those first days and months, and I say the first six to 12 months, parents are flying by the seat of their pants really at that stage. And so babies come out ready to communicate and at first their brain development is that it’s all about their sensory development. They communicate via crying, looking at us, gazing at us, facial expression, and every time we engage with a baby, their brain is primed to be wiring in that area. They’re just looking for connection and relationship. And so each time we look at baby, we talk to baby and interact with baby, that’s getting to know each other.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (02:57):
If I am a parent and I’m trying to connect with my baby, how do I know I’m doing it right? Are there any signs that we are connecting?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (03:04):
At first because they are quite sensory, it’s probably being able to observe what we think, that’s how we start to develop a connection because we are wondering, “Oh, what is that little grimace telling me? What is that cry? Is that cry I’m hungry or is that cry I really just want to cuddle?” It’s this trial and error process really of that back and forth communication with each other. And they will also communicate with their body, so they can be really stiff and arch their back, and that probably is telling us they’re a bit grumpy or got a pain in their tummy, it’s starting to notice and wonder about what is it that I think they’re telling me?
(03:48):
And at first, that’s a little anxiety provoking for a parent because we think, “Oh, do I even know what they’re telling me? Do I know what they’re saying? Can I tell?” And we’re just guessing at first, but we can get more confidence the more we notice and the more we get to know each other. And talking with baby, in those early days, voice is really soothing, sound is really soothing, and so as a parent we can be thinking about our voice and there’s lots of things that tell us about what they call, so that babbling or the way we talk to babies, “That doesn’t look so good, that looks like you’ve got a pain.” Actually, that tone of voice, that sort of sing-song tone of voice is really reassuring for babies. And research shows that an important part of us soothing them and connecting with them and it builds up their relationship building communication skills, even from those earliest times. So often you might be doing all those things which are part of bonding and not realising how much work you’re doing to connect with your baby.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:54):
I know as a mum myself to young kids, I know how hard it can be sometimes. I’m wondering if anyone today listening has had a rough day or they’re feeling very sleep-deprived or perhaps is finding parenting really difficult at the moment, are there any simple strategies that you can suggest for them to connect with baby in those moments of difficulty?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (05:18):
First of all, accepting or honouring that there are hard days, it really is, it’s a tough process for us to get to know each other. It can be simple, but it can be tough, which sounds contradictory, but there is so much happening in this period that it’s all brand new for baby, everything is brand new for them and they’re feeling everything bigger because they’re all sensory. But for parents, it’s also brand new, even if it’s our second time or our third time, it’s a brand new baby and it’s a brand new relationship. And so there’s so much happening for parents and particularly you mentioned sleep deprivation, it’s a time intensive experience, babies are completely dependent on parents, so they take incredible amounts of time. And for parents, there can be physical recovery that can be impacting our wellbeing, there’s a lot of change in our roles, in our sense of our identity in that early months.
(06:17):
So all of those things are happening. We’ve got hormones going like crazy, so there is a very dynamic period in those first months. And so I think it’s important for us to recognise that, that it is up and down, that it is bumpy and that it is days where you might feel quite overwhelmed. In terms of connecting, it’s important to recognise, like all relationships, there will be bumps, but as parents in those early days, we will be feeling like we’re wanting to do the very best and so we can feel a lot of pressure about getting it right. And so I think recognising that it is bumpy and that there are days where we will feel like we haven’t got it right and that there are days where we’re feeling maybe teary or blue or anxious or worried about things and keeping a track of how big that might get for us, but acknowledging that it’s a normal part to feel stretched and worn out and brain fogged from sleep deprivation.
(07:12):
In those times if it is feeling stretched, what I often say when I work with parents is time and pausing is really important and checking in with how you’re feeling within yourself. If your bubs crying and you are trying to get one load of washing in or one load of washing out or you’re trying to get any of the basic kind of things done, it can feel like two-step forward, three steps back. Often at those moments where you can feel yourself feeling that overwhelmed, it’s kind of a pause, check in with your body, where’s your body? Your shoulders are up around your ears, you’re kind of probably feeling tense and clenched. So the first step often is to just pause, because babies are picking up on the more stressed we are then the more tense it can feel, because they get so much non-verbals.
(08:04):
For parents, I often will say, okay, if you’re feeling at a point where you’re feeling really stretched, it’s okay to put bub down in their safe little spot for a moment, like in their bouncer, et cetera. Go and have a drink, get yourself a pause, and that’s if we’re really, really feeling that high level of stress. Often I will encourage people to pause and do what is a five senses check in for themselves, because when we’re stressed and feeling like we’re unable to focus or get things done, then we’re not present. Whether it’s thinking about what has to be done or oh my God, they’re crying again, we’re not in our best problem solving abilities and so say, stop, pause, five things that you can see, four things that you can hear in your environment, three things that you might feel with your body, like your feet on the floor, two things that you can smell and one thing that you can taste.
(09:03):
And it’s this really quick check in with the present that can just sort of short circuit the tension. It doesn’t make it go away all together, but it helps us come back to be present, and then we can maybe think about what’s the next step with baby in terms of if it’s at that peak of kind of crying and stress. And the other option is always to think about who you can check in with in moments when you need to.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (09:29):
That’s so simple strategies that you can take on board, it’s really something that can be quite effective in that moment.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (09:37):
Absolutely. It’s really effective in that moment and you can pepper it into your day even when you’re not stressed, because really in that busyness of the first six to 12 months is we’re always on the run often, so we’re always doing something with baby or preparing what’s the next thing that needs to be done for us also to survive. Checking in on that basic level, whether it’s with your breath or with your five sensors and then coming back, if you want to connect with baby, coming back and looking at bub and going … look with your eyes and your ears, and they can bring you back to the present moment and out of our head and the busyness of our head, because our head gets really busy as mum’s, my head was always busy when I had littlies.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (10:21):
Coming back and connecting with baby after a time that, just a simple looking eye contact, just something simple like that?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (10:30):
Eye contact, touch is incredibly soothing, so hand on the back, hand on the chest, rocking is incredibly soothing and using our voice again, using our words again. So if we’ve had a meltdown then coming back, “Oh, mum was feeling really, really stretched there for a minute, but mum’s back now, it’s okay.” Just sort of talking for baby, but we’re also talking ourself through it, we’re coaching ourself at the same time in that moment
Nadia Rossi (Host) (10:58):
They feel like strategies that you can do even when you are stretched and you’re not feeling up for it.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (11:04):
Yes, and thinking about our tones up and our bodies up, thinking about just dropping our shoulders, lowering our voice. It can be hard in the moment, it can be tough when we’re caught in the stress, but I think that pause and that check in, and using that coaching voice for ourself and the baby is reassuring for baby.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (11:23):
We know for many that having a baby is the first experience they have with infants and knowing how to spend time with their baby outside of those daily tasks and feeding and bathing and changing nappies doesn’t come naturally to them. So what would you say to those parents?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (11:39):
I think again, it’s to acknowledge that it can feel awkward and clunky and we can feel quite out of our depth and so really wanting to validate and normalise that that’s not uncommon. We often feel like it’s just us, that it’s just me that might feel that, a parent will often say that to me when I’m talking with them, just feels like they’re kind of judging themselves or feeling guilty that they don’t feel particular ways or that they’re feeling ambivalent or not sure what to do. And so acknowledging that’s not necessarily an uncommon experience because we often don’t talk openly about that, so to acknowledge all of the noticing that you are doing.
(12:20):
So one of the things when a parent says to me, “I don’t feel like I am doing this right. I would say, “Well, tell me what you’ve noticed about Billy. What’s Billy like to do? Tell me how you know Billy’s happy. Tell me how you know Billy’s sad. Tell me what’s his favourite time of day?” So noticing that you actually are maybe knowing more than you realise, your self-talk might be telling you that you don’t, the day-to-day stuff is part of that connection and that relationship. If we realise that babies, everything is brand new for babies and infants, and so going for a walk and being outside, having someone chat to them, that’s a really rich experience for a baby. Laying down on the floor, bubs next to you and you just lay down there and you’re kind of just sort of next to each other, baby might be reaching out for you or doing tummy time, but you’re looking towards them, all of that is really rich interaction.
(13:19):
And so parents are their baby’s best toy in those first 12 months and babies happy to kind of babble, goo and gaa at you, you can babble and goo and gaa back. Singing is a really beautiful way of connecting, and that can feel awkward at first, but singing is really reassuring and soothing for babies and is great for communication. And so having little favourite songs to sing as you’re doing your day-to-day tasks or as you’re getting in and out of the car, after a bath, having a little massage with cream, again is a really soothing, beautiful form of connection. If we’re really struggling, just the soothing touch can be really powerful and thinking about our face whilst we’re doing that. And so baby can’t regulate for long, so they will look away often and then come back, so letting them have their space to do that, but it can be a way of connecting with them that doesn’t require much from us when we’re feeling like we’ve got nothing left in the petrol tank.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (14:25):
They seem, yeah, exactly, easy to weave in. And even, I think you said going outside the house.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (14:30):
And I think a walk, it’s great for baby and it’s great for your own wellbeing and mental health, and it can be really even just go out into your backyard or often I say or go out and sit outside in the sun for a minute and watch the dog. As they get older and they’re more mobile and exploring with crawling, sitting out on a blanket in the sun or in the shade, that can be a way of also getting out of our own head space in the task. We can be really caught in what needs to be done next, next, next and that can create such a pressure upon parents. And in terms of things in the community, parents groups I think are really a great space to, if you can find a parent group, different states have different avenues to doing that, but child and family nurses often will run parenting groups or sort of family support services. There’s often libraries have reading time and toys that you can borrow, and so there are places where you can meet other parents who are having the same experience and find your tribe.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (15:36):
I found libraries so helpful to me, even knowing that, okay, at 10 o’clock there’s reading time at the library, so you do your morning rituals, routines, and then you know that for that hour, we’re going to go to the library, knowing that you have that kind of something to look forward to and get out of the house and you can walk there if it’s close enough.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (15:57):
And playgroups particularly as bubs get older, young bubs can still go to a playgroup, provides a really rich experience for the baby, but gives us the opportunity to have adult conversation, to feel like we might talk about something other than just our day-to-day sort of thing. Parents often can feel quite trapped.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (16:16):
And knowing the demanding role that comes with parenting, I’m wondering if we can move on to the topic of self-care. Do you think self-care is important for parents of infants? And I guess more importantly, how does a parent practice self-care when there’s so much going on?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (16:33):
It’s a word and a sort of topic that is used a lot now, it’s important for us to think about our own wellbeing as parents because it is an incredibly demanding period and there is lot to change in our life, and so we can feel quite exhausted, overwhelmed, and lost. Who am I? Where did I go? What happened to my life? Even if it was what you wanted, you can still feel quite lost and uncertain at times. And I think in terms of self-care, it’s often portrayed as go get a massage, which is lovely and if you can, great, go for it, but it’s not always cost-effective or practical. I often ask parents, what did you do for relaxation before, or what do you do to look after yourself? And then there’s usually cricket silence, parents wellbeing gets lost in the busyness of it and it is time intensive.
(17:30):
It is hard to even get your teeth brushed, have a shower, sometimes is a conscious intention of making time for self beyond a shower. Sometimes it is whittled down, how much time and space we have to do those things. Again, it’s that checking in process in terms of how full is your petrol tank? Am I on half? How full is my emotional petrol tank? Because we might be physically tired, but we might be emotionally okay, but is my emotional tank feeling like the lights on and is it coughing and splattering and about to kind of feel like it wants to call quits or just got nothing left in the tank? And then well, what are the signs that my petrol tank is low? Thinking about the smaller steps to help put something back in my tank and that will differ for different people.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (18:20):
Vicki, how can this differ between families?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (18:23):
It can have a broad variation and it can be, again, dependent upon people’s physical recovery after birth, whether their bubs got particular needs or with a premature bub. So there can be higher vulnerabilities that might mean there’s more stress, and so that’s really important for us to consider. And in terms of the practical supports of having someone to one, have emotional support, so whether that’s a partner for emotional support, a friend, a family member, someone who you can go blah to and debrief about your day and feel emotionally heard and validated is really important. So who helps you fill your emotional cup? And we often will feel like we’re doing it alone, as a parent.
(19:08):
If it’s hard or you feel quite isolated, then I think it’s important to consider, is it useful to have professional support? Is it useful to have a chat with your GP about how you’re feeling, if that is really a struggle and think about getting some additional supports? And the other thing I think is checking in on how our self-talk might be going and whether we’re being a friend to ourself or whether we’re beating ourselves up, because I think those things are ways of checking in on our wellbeing and mother guilt or parent guilt can mean we feel like we need to keep soldiering on, being a bit of a martyr maybe, and that that’s what good moms do.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (19:50):
How can we say I need help or I need some time to myself, to our partner, to our friend, to a GP, how do we start that?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (19:59):
First of all, probably acknowledging it for ourselves is the first point. If we’re not aware for ourself, then it can be hard to find the words. Often parents come to me and say they’re not quite sure what’s going on, so when you unpack it, we can kind of realise these things. And I think recognising if you’re feeling lost, if you’re feeling really teary and down over more than a period of weeks or feeling like you can’t sleep, even if bub is getting rest and you can’t sleep, then it is important to check with your partner or with your family or a friend and have a chat.
(20:37):
I’ve often given to families the Panda website, and on there is stories from people who have experienced some vulnerabilities in that postpartum period, and I find them really powerful to listen to and it kind of gives you some thoughts of ideas about how you’re going to word it. You’re also acknowledging there’s no shame or embarrassment in saying, “Actually I’m not feeling great. I’m having dark thoughts or I’m feeling really disconnected.” And the moment we say that out loud, we break the silence and that is a huge step. I can see physically when I talk to parents who have made that step, the relief flood through, absolutely it can feel scary, but you can feel the relief of not holding it all on your own.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (21:32):
Not holding it on your own. I think that’s so, so important.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (21:37):
Absolutely. And not having to be the soldier on person and that this is a human experience and a struggle that is incredibly common and is part of adjustment of this transition period. So I think it is that breaking the silence, being brave and seeking the support is part of coping.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (22:00):
So we’ve talked about bonding with your baby and we’ve talked about taking time for self-care and how do we find the right balance between that?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (22:09):
I don’t think there is a perfect balance. I think it’s a juggle and it is very much about the individual’s context, but I think it’s that acknowledging that babies do require a lot of time and attention and they are vulnerable, they’re incredibly dependent upon us. So in some ways we might be doing it remote control sometimes, but it’s because we have to get through. But it’s important to think about who else can we get to your team if you need that extra supports and having someone help you problem solve that can be useful.
(22:43):
I think the balance is in that checking in process or taking those pauses, it can help you keep an eye on your fuel tank and where your balance is. So there will be days where your fuel tank’s up higher and you’re feeling like, “Oh, I’ve got this. I’m going, okay, I’ve got the washing out, we’ve eaten.” So I think it’s about also checking our expectations, that if our expectations in that we do have a very time intensive period, if we’re expecting a lot of ourselves and even perfection, that’s a real pressure sometimes, then that pressure can actually mean we’re not listening to ourselves and we’re pushing ourselves beyond where our fuel tank is reasonable.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (23:28):
Thank you, Vicki, they’re such great insights and connecting with and to getting to know our baby in the first 12 months. So thank you so much. If you could leave our listeners with three takeaways from what we’ve spoken about today, what would they be?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (23:45):
Check in with yourself every day and how you’re feeling, how your body’s feeling, how much you’ve got in your emotional tank. Second takeaway would be it takes time to get to know each other, it’s not instantaneous, each day will vary, there will be hard days and it passes and things will keep moving. And that you’re not alone, I think it’s really important to remember that you don’t need to do this alone and that this is a common, challenging, joyful, and challenging time for everybody. And that importance of not being silent about or feeling shame or embarrassment, seeking support with family, friends, GPs, child and family nurses.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (24:27):
They are such great takeaways, Vicki, thank you and thank you for your time today.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (24:31):
My pleasure.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (24:32):
You have been listening to an Emerging Minds Families podcast. If anything spoken about today has been distressing for you or you find yourself struggling, please reach out for help. You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14, all more resources for support can be found in our show notes.
Narrator (VO) (24:53):
Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre is funded by the Australian Government Department of Health, under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.