Transcript for
Tips for new parents: How to avoid comparing yourself to others
Narrator (VO) (00:02):
Welcome to the Emerging Minds Families Podcast.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (00:06):
Hi. I’m Nadia Rossi. In today’s podcast we are talking about new parents and the natural instinct to compare yourselves to those around you . It’s human nature to measure ourselves against others, and with social media at our fingertips 24/7 it has become even easier to tap into what other people are doing in their lives. When children come along we are forever curious about how other children are developing, growing and maturing, as well as how other parents are managing with the daily grind.
(00:35):
Pictures of perfectly swaddled sleeping babies being taken out for a stroll on a sunny day are lovely, but when your reality is a baby who struggles to settle and a good day is managing to shower these images can be particularly unhelpful.
(00:49):
Today we are talking with Vicki Mansfield. Vicki is a mother and mental health accredited social worker. She has spent most of her career supporting new parents in the transition into parenthood, working in maternity wards, midwife clinics and with parenting groups. Welcome, Vicki. Thank you for spending time with us today.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (01:07):
Hi, Nadia.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (01:08):
Vicki, it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, but when we are new parents are we more inclined to fall into this behaviour?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (01:17):
It’s human nature. We’re social animals, so we’re primed to kind of connect, so we look to others for reassurance, for guidance, support and validation. When we become parents those early years create huge change, so there’s so much that happens and changes for us individually as parents, but also children are changing so much in those early days, that even when we think we might have it down pat another development changes, and so we’re always maybe sort of trying to play catch-up in that time.
(01:51):
We’re just starting to think about our parenting identity, so it’s quite natural that we will be looking outwardly often or to connect with people for validation. With that also comes am I doing it right, and there’s a lot of pressure on us. There’s a lot of pressure on parents. We’re wanting to do the best for our kids. So, yeah, I think we’re looking for reassurance, which can dip into comparison.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (02:19):
And when we compare ourselves to others what are the dangers?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (02:22):
I often talk with parents about two things, the shoulds and comparisonitis, what I call comparisonitis. Because it comes up often in my conversations with new parents because there is that state of change and transition and adjustment, and so there can be this pressure that might be being felt by oh, I should be doing this, I should be doing that.
(02:46):
I think the comparisonitis is when it gets quite big and intense and it’s quite outward focused. It’s this balance I think of finding connection and reassurance, but keeping an eye out for when we might be getting caught in, or comparisonitis, or should be getting bossy and really starting to impact our mental health sometimes, or our wellbeing.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (03:11):
As a mum, I’ve learned so much from talking to other parents and watching what works for them, actually where I gained so much insightful information about parenting, but is there a safe way to do this without thinking that I have to be exactly like them?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (03:26):
It’s recognising that it is absolutely a hugely important source of validation and support to connect with others and to be real and brave in our conversations with others, because I think that helps us then have conversations that are about the good, the bad and the ugly. So it’s the nature of the conversations that will impact in some ways, but it also is about how we might be turning that inward.
(03:58):
Say, for example, we’re caught in some of that comparisonitis, we might have a chat with a friend and then we might go home and think her baby is sleeping through. Why isn’t my baby sleeping through? What am I doing wrong, or is there something wrong with my baby? So you start doing this sort of questioning and it goes backwards and forwards. It becomes this real back and forth kind of worry really.
(04:25):
So that’s when I think the comparisonitis can start to overwhelm, if we notice that it’s getting louder, and you can start to get that self-talk and you can be starting to have that worry sort of become more evident. Again, it’s because we’re really wanting to do a good job and we’re really caring and committed to our kids, or we’re uncertain. It’s a new job and we may not have had many experiences with infants and we may not even have a great map to draw on.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (04:58):
Like many mums, I’m on social media. Reflecting now, I can see that my social media use rose when I became a parent, when I was feeding baby, or when baby was finally asleep and I had time to myself. I did also use it as resource to get parenting tips, so it does have positives, but I certainly did find myself in a rabbit hole at times when I compared my parenting, and even what my family was or wasn’t doing. So how can we as parents use social media safely?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (05:34):
You make a good point. It can be a source of support. Forums can be a way of connecting, and certainly through COVID I think they probably increased. When we weren’t able to have contact with people lots more people went to parenting forums or social media to make connections. So it can be a source of support and it can be a source of information.
(05:54):
Back in my time, I was a reader, you’d have some books, or I had a friend who was a child care nurse so I’d chat with them. But now it’s endless and limitless, so that’s where the rabbit hole comes, is that you could get lost down the search, and it’s competing ideas. There is no straight, clear-cut answers. The rabbit hole can jump up on your quickly.
(06:20):
I can think of a mum that I spoke with who had experienced a miscarriage and was having another baby, so she was really feeling quite anxious and worried about this pregnancy understandably, but it was really getting in the road of her wellbeing. She was using Dr. Google I call it.
(06:40):
We talked about over time what was the need that was there? What was it that was underneath the search? That can apply to why we’re scrolling, but for this mum, she was looking for reassurance. She was looking for some certainty. She was concerned that miscarriage can leave us with that sense of feeling helpless. So she was looking for information to try to reassure her journey.
(07:04):
But we also had a chat about was it being helpful. So that’s I think one of the things when we’re in the rabbit hole of going is this working for me? What is it that we might be looking for there? It could be connection. It might be information. It might be reassurance. Is that working for us or is it leaving us feeling more up for hurt?
(07:28):
She was feeling more overwhelmed. It was not helping her nervous system settle down. So I think it’s checking out how it’s feeling, and it may not be a problem. But if it is feeling like an overwhelm, then sort of having some thought about those things.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (07:45):
That’s so great, having that in mind how is that making me feel about myself when I see these images? Who are these people that I’m choosing to follow? How am I curating my own feed?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (07:57):
You can curate your feed, and it’s important to remind ourselves that you’re getting a curated version. I’ve heard it described that it’s a curated life that you’re seeing. So you are seeing the best of the best, and I think that’s where it’s important to recognise that if we’re looking for connection, which is often… You know it’s not uncommon in those early months it’s repetitive and sometimes we’re feeling like we’re kind of going over the same thing every day, so we’re looking for some connection and adult conversation.
(08:28):
When we’re seeing that more idealised version of things it can be easy for our thoughts to go into a negative spiral, because we all have our own self-talk and negative bias anyways. We have to I think keep an eye on whether it’s serving us, and I think in terms of that pressure that we might feel it’s just recognising there’s one factor that can intensify some of the pressures or thoughts that we might have, or the judgments we might make about ourselves, because it is our own self-judgement that is either causing us to be anxious or that we can get caught in the spiral.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (09:06):
Do you think with comparing yourself to others comes a little of guilt about what you should or shouldn’t be doing as a parent?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (09:13):
Yeah. I think the shoulds are huge. Nearly every person I ever talk with, at some stage we end up talking about shoulds, because there are expectations, assumptions and judgments that are kind of invisible that we will have floating around us that we don’t necessarily kind of recognise are there, and often how they become evident is I can hear people say, “I should do this,” or “I should do that.”
(09:42):
So everybody has an opinion about parenting and we get flooded from birth to the day we have the baby about the narratives of how we need to be as parents or what’s a good child or a bad child. There’s lots of opinions. So our assumptions and our judgments kind of form the shoulds.
(10:01):
And should has a pointy finger tone, you should do this, you should do that, rather than I could do this or I could do that or I might do this or I may do that. So there’s a difference in that tone. So when we’re talking and I hear the shoulds I often say to people, “Oh, we talk about that there might be assumptions or judgement . I wonder where they come from? I wonder is that someone’s voice? Is that kind of our bossy aunt who’s telling us we should, or is that how we’ve been parented and that’s what we’ve internalised, so we judging ourselves, and maybe that doesn’t sit right or is different to how we want to be.”
(10:45):
Often people will go away at the end of the session and they come back the next week and they say to me, “Oh, my God, I never realised how many shoulds I have.” So it’s not that we want to beat ourselves up about having shoulds, it’s just again that we want to think and have some space to go is that something that is working for me, or do I just need to loosen the tone for it in terms of I could, I may, I might?
(11:11):
Guilt I think becomes associated with those shoulds, because if we’re not meeting up to the should, like I should have my child in bed and asleep by 6:00, that’s what should happening. We’re not meeting up to that should we might feel guilty that we’re not meeting our child’s needs, so it kind of becomes this backwards and forwards of either worry or guilt, or then if we get guilty we might then get really low on ourselves. So the shoulds are trick about how they can get quite bossy and they can be there without us noticing.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (11:42):
I think that’s great advice, reframing shoulds to could or may. It kind of alleviates the pressure almost immediately and it alleviates that guilt.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (11:51):
And that you have a choice, again, so having a choice to go okay, this is how it was done when I was a kid, this is what my family does, and family can have strong opinions about how you should do it, how you should do things, so that can be a sense of tension. And noticing if those shoulds are feeling a pressure and if they’re getting too bossy and if they’re causing us to be frustrated, annoyed, angry with ourself with others, then we can stand back from them and take some of the power away.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (12:22):
It’s hard not to see someone who we think may be a perfect parent and think I’m not good enough, or I want to be like them. What do we do when our self-talk gets like that?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (12:33):
My first point on that is let’s debunk the myth that there is such a thing as a perfect parent, or that perfect parenting is what we’re striving for. Perfect parent is a myth. It’s like a unicorn. It doesn’t exist. But the only problem is that unicorns are cute and magical. But striving for perfection or perfect parenting is a continuous challenge and struggle that many, many, many, many of us feel.
(13:05):
I know when I had little kids I thought I can do it all, I can do this all. I can work. I can be independent. I can juggle home and all of those things. So perfection, I think it can be a strong myth that is very prevalent, but it sets parents and kids up, that striving for perfection, because life is messy, kids are messy, feelings are messy, relationships are messy.
(13:32):
So even when it’s going smooth it’s messy. So thinking and striving for perfection, it means we try to control things and we get caught in trying to control things and make it all good, all right, all perfect, and that places huge pressures upon us quickly. The research tells us that kids actually don’t need perfect parents. They need good enough parents. Human nature means that good enough means that sometimes we’re getting it right and sometimes we’re not getting it right, and we have to repair when we don’t get it right.
(14:02):
I had this mum speak to me recently and she had the most lovely reflection. It just really stayed with me. Her and her partner… Her partner said, “Every time I went about the morning and thinking and expecting I was going to get something done I’d just get so frustrated and angry when it didn’t go to that plan. If I sort of was able to acknowledge okay, free that up a little bit, which is not always easy, I actually get that, but it went smoother.”
(14:29):
For this mum, she said to me, “I don’t want my daughter to feel like she’s another chore.” So it can impact on how we feel about parenting or experience, because we can feel like it’s another chore to be done.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (14:43):
I know. Yeah. I’ve caught myself rushing my children… You know, when you’re rushing them through something and they’re trying to just be a kid.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (14:51):
Absolutely. I think getting out the door to get somewhere is always where we come undone. It’s always the socks that brought us undone.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (14:59):
Vicki, how can we remind ourselves we are good enough?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (15:03):
It’s a really important thing that we probably actually need to be intentional about really, because, one, we’re super busy in that first year of parenting and all throughout, but in that first year particularly we’re super busy, we’re tired, exhausted, sleep deprived. So very easily we an be swallowed by the busyness, the tiredness and the mess, and we are our own worse critics often.
(15:29):
But also in this society we don’t necessarily always place value on the caring that occurs for parents. We think more about productivity, and in that sort of productivity we go and we produce an outcome, and parenting in that first year is much more about the caring that’s maybe not as tangible.
(15:51):
Even journaling, that was something that I did a lot when I was… After I travelled I started to write a journal and have continued throughout. For me journaling has always been a way I guess of putting it out there, but it can also be a really useful way of checking in with our strengths.
(16:07):
There are a few things that I have explored and these are things that you can play with, because it’s not one size fits all to these suggestions. One, you can journal, or another way of doing it quite visually is you have a jar and you put notes in the jar each day. Then you can actually revisit it at the end of the week.
(16:30):
Some of the things that you can put into that jar is my intention today is, so you’re sort of setting yourself a small thing that you want to do that day. It might be my intention today is just to be kind to myself, or my intention today is to take a pause, or my intention today is to get the washing up done. At the end of the day you can check in with that sort of intention.
(16:54):
But you can also do it in terms of thinking about what you’re grateful for, because that taps into maybe some of the strengths, the things that are important to our heart, our values. You could journal that. You could put that into the jar.
(17:09):
Or you can do it as a text. You can set up kind of an intentional thing to do with your partner or like with a friend. So today I’m grateful for, and to send the text off, and you get them to send you one back. So it’s a way of making some space for taking in what’s of value to us and what’s important to us, or what fills our emotional cup.
(17:33):
The other ones I can do, one thing that made me smile today, because, again, it taps into some of the things that are going well for us, or it makes us think about it, because sometimes you have to think hard. Or one thing I noticed about my child today, so that brings out that sense of what care we’re providing to our child, so that’s reminiscent of that mom saying, “I don’t want it to be a chore.”
(17:57):
So thinking about, yeah, these are the things that I’ve done well today, and this made me smile, or this is what I’m grateful for, or it could be specific as one thing that I did well today. I guess we are creating some space, and it could be journaling, texting with a friend, putting it visually and then checking at the end of the week, so some way that gets to balance out our inner critics.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (18:22):
I think that’s great advice, Vicki. It’s giving you that time to reflect and to try and find those strengths as a parent, as a person, in yourself.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (18:32):
Yeah. That’s right, the strengths and what’s important in our hearts. I find this one quite nurturing, is that at the end of the day or during the day put your hand on your heart, sort of that act of self-care, befriending ourself, taking a couple of breaths, just feeling. And it helps our nervous system regulate, because if you’ve gone through bedtime and late night feeds, or the hurly-burly of the day, that hand on heart can really just give us some moments to slow down, and it could be in that experience of what would I say to myself if I was a friend telling me about how I went today? That’s a really powerful way of doing it.
(19:19):
We can do that often. We can be empathetic and support, but how does it feel if we put our hand on our heart and take that approach, because I think we don’t give ourself space for that. So it’s that connecting with self, but also being compassionate and kind to self, because I think that is an antidote to the harsher and the critics, the comparisonitis, the shoulds, the busyness, and that finding ourselves as a parent that occurs in the first 12 months.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (19:53):
Thank you, Vicki. This has been a really valuable insight into the importance of not comparing ourselves and our parenting to others, how we can protect ourselves and realise our own strengths as a person and as a parent. If you could leave our listeners with three takeaways from what we’ve spoken about today what they be?
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (20:12):
I think notice if the shoulds are getting too bossy and remember you can choose how you want to parent, and parenting is messy and perfection is a myth, but unlike unicorns it’s not cute and magical. It zaps the fun out of life. And I think to follow on from that, at the end of every day take a big breath, hand on heart, and be kind to yourself.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (20:35):
They are such great takeaways, Vicki. Thank you, and thank you for your time today.
Vicki Mansfield (Guest) (20:39):
Thanks, Nadia.
Nadia Rossi (Host) (20:41):
You have been listening to an Emerging Minds Families Podcast. If anything spoken about today has been distressing for you or you find yourself struggling please reach out for help. You can call Lifeline on 131114, or more resources for support can be found in our show notes.
Narrator (VO) (21:00):
Visit our website at www.emergingminds.com.au/families for a wide range of free information and resources to help support child and family mental health. Emerging Minds leads the National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health. The Centre id funded by the Australian Government Department of Health under the National Support for Child and Youth Mental Health Program.