Managing family health and money struggles at the same time

‘When I feel unwell, I often really need the kids to give me some space. But I am also aware that at these times the kids often need more support as well. The glue of the family starts to fall apart. Who will help us now? We have reached out to organisations for support. We never found financial support, but we found social service organisations who were able to come in and help the family keep functioning and keep the family together. When these supports come in, it takes away a bit of the stress, and makes more room for relationships.’

‘Noticing changes in routines and behaviours can be a sign kids might be struggling. For example, one of my kids will go very quiet and internalise everything. Another child would be very emotional, aggressive and started wetting the bed. Sometimes sibling fights started up. These were signs I needed to talk to my kids and figure out what was going on.’

‘I remember I used to try to hide my feelings in front of my child. When I needed to cry, I used to put him in a pram so he can’t see me. Sometimes I think differently now, I think if I explain that “Mummy is sad, that’s natural, that’s normal”, it’s better. For me it was more difficult to always hide it from him.’
‘A lot of people say you should be transparent with your children, and you should, but you shouldn’t explain everything to them. They are still kids and they don’t need to know everything. The things that I did need to know were the practical things, for example that Mum needed to be left alone for a while. Or when my sibling was really sick as a baby and was in hospital, it was explained to us that she was sick and in hospital for help. We didn’t know how bad it was or how bad it could be – she could have died – we just knew what we needed to know at the time, day to day, so we could make sense of what was going on.’
– Elliot, young person, looking back on their childhood experiences, Kaurna Country

A number of us find rituals and routines important during difficult times.
‘One ritual we had for many years was our Sunday pancake ritual. Every Sunday we would have a slow start to the day and I would cook a huge batch of pancakes that we would all sit down as a family and eat. This went on for almost every Sunday for years.’
‘Our routine is to have an afternoon tea on the weekend. We might have a discussion or play a card game. It is a time to say what we need to say.’
‘I try to keep a bedtime routine with my son. It helps him know what to expect every day, and it also gives me more time in the evening to myself to try and figure out what supports were out there.’

Sometimes it can be helpful for a family to have a shared language that helps family members know how to respond to different situations.
‘I have different conditions and each one has similar things, but slightly different things. I might say to the kids “I’m having a PTSD moment”: that’s shorthand now for all the things that go with that, and they’ll know how to manage that situation. Or I might say, “I’m having a masto [mastocytosis] moment,” and that’s shorthand for another set of things.’

One of us found that when a situation was very serious, it was helpful to think of themselves as a warrior.
‘My son was born with this serious heart issue when I was pregnant, they asked me to terminate. I didn’t accept. And he went through a big heart operation, then he was in intensive care for 10 days. But it just changed me as a person. I was ready to fight. My son was very little. I was like a warrior, I was just there for him. I couldn’t sleep and eat for a couple of days. It changed me to a stronger person. I am much stronger.’

‘Years ago when I was going to hospital – the kids were really tiny then – we had my mother-in-law staying with us, and she was very supportive of my partner: that’s what helped her get through, was having somebody here that could help her with the children and that could give her moral and emotional support when I was unable to provide that for her and the children. The kids have grown up and they’ve seen that modelling, I think that’s sort of become a part of who they are – they’re very caring, they’re very supportive.’

‘I spent a lot of years in bed and having that paranoid feeling that nobody cares. But people were always checking on me. I look back on that and realise, they really cared about me. And so as I’ve come out of that, I’m really mindful, especially with the kids, to make sure that they’re OK. I don’t do it in a naggy way, I just knock on the door, ask: “How are you feeling? You OK?” If they need something more, I’m happy to provide. Sitting with them, little things. They voice it and I encourage that a lot. Nothing gets fixed if you don’t have a solution to the problem, you can’t have a solution if you don’t know what the problem is.’

Children can be active participants in the lives of their families, working together to get through tough times.
‘Because we experienced homelessness when the kids were young, and I’ve been a single parent more than I’ve been a coupled parent, the kids really had this sense that “We have to look after mum.” We didn’t have a home, there was not that structure and stability. “We’ve only got mum.” And for a time I was very much in very deep trauma – a lot of times, I really couldn’t function and sometimes I couldn’t talk. They kind of learned, early on, how to look after Mum, how to manage situations, what to do to jump in when they had to. And maybe that started from necessity, but then it kind of became out of caring and love. And I do spend some time feeling, “Am I burdening them?” But I actually think it’s a positive thing. For them to be able to say, “Yeah, I helped my mum when she really needed it, and I was only little, but I did it.” What a beautiful thing that is for that kid to be able to have that experience and that memory.’

‘I struggle to ask for help, I want to do everything myself until I drop, you know? I’m getting a little bit better. The worst thing that happens is hearing: “No, I cannot.” But, you never know, you might get support.’ 

It’s normal for parents and children to feel and show lots of emotions – like anger, sadness, guilt and shame. Sometimes when we have issues of health and money and other things piling up we need support to help us make sense of and navigate these feelings together. If you feel like you could use some support, take a look at these mental health crisis and counselling services.

‘Sometimes with your to-do list, just stick with your priority and accept that you’re not able to do everything. Just accepting that you’re a human, and you’re not always able to do everything by yourself. You just talk to yourself like, “I’m able to do number one, which is important, and that’s it. That’s all I’m capable of doing. That’s all I can do.”’ 

‘My GP [general practitioner/family doctor] is really good, she listens. Another example is I found out about a new medication and went to my psychiatrist and told him about it and he said, ‘Yeah, let’s give it a try.’ And that was actually the medication that saved my life. So having someone who listens and supports you, having the right medical professionals makes a difference. Both these doctors bulk billed, which was huge.’ 

‘We had to search and search until we found a doctor who bulk billed. And we often book double appointments to make sure we can talk about all our issues.
‘Now we need to see another specialist for my daughter and their fee is huge, we get some back on Medicare, but it is still a huge cost. We manage this by saving as much as we can in the lead up to these appointments. The appointments are every two months, so we know we need to save in between.’

‘I had a mental health care plan on the fridge when I was unwell; it had everything listed, anything that I needed people to know, it was all in that plan. It was there for the whole time that the kids were growing up just in case I ever had to go back to the hospital. That was one of the things that was really important to me, knowing that I had that there so that anyone – like a carer or my wife or whoever – could come into the house and just read that and go, “OK, this is what we need to do with the kids”, and get it done.’
‘I know these things are not always possible for everyone, but it helps to save money for a crisis or urgent situation. When I get paid I put a small amount aside and then pretend I didn’t receive it. It is very difficult, but it is possible. Or think of a friend who is able to help. I had days that I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I was in a mess. So if you can, have a bit of plan for a crisis.’