Families standing up to shame and stigma by making home a safe haven

This fact sheet is part of a series we created with families who have been through tough times to spark hope and share new ideas about how to stand up to shame and stigma.

We hope these resources have something to offer all families, but recognise they are simply a snapshot reflecting the lived experiences of the families who helped us create them – other families will have different experiences and stories.

We also intentionally create resources that reflect Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander ways of knowing, being and doing with guidance from our National Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Consultancy Group and partners.

See more about how Emerging Minds collaborates with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander practitioners, families and Community.

Emerging Minds acknowledges that families come in many forms. In our resources, the term ‘parent’ encompasses biological, adoptive, foster and kinship carers as well as individuals who have chosen to take up primary or shared responsibility in raising children. Our resources aim to support families and the children in their care. We acknowledge that every child is unique and has different strengths, vulnerabilities and experiences that shape their health and development.

‘Making sure you always have time to talk. When I got into recovery from drugs, alcohol and violence, I had a lot of guilt about how I had parented. One of the ways I managed that was to be the best parent I could be at all times. So if my kids wanted to talk to me, I would stop what I was doing and make the time. I almost always did this and if I couldn’t then and there, I would tell my kids when I could. As a result, they know they can bring pretty much anything to me. If they ever bought something to me that was not good, I also wouldn’t overreact or get angry. We would talk about it. I tried very intentionally not to criticise them and to meet everything they did with love and compassion. If I did something that didn’t sit with these values, I would apologise as soon as possible.’

‘Our kids have autism so we’ve got all these situations where we’ve got to show them that there’s love, there’s compassion, there’s understanding, there’s support. So if something does happen, we’re here. We’ve always said, “If there’s anything that happens to you, it doesn’t matter what it is, come and talk to us. We’re here all the time. We won’t be angry. We just want to help you.” And that’s how we set it up so that they can come to us at any time with any problem. And they don’t have to feel ashamed. Instilling in them that they can trust that we will understand. Being a parent is just building those little foundational stones for them to move along.’

‘One of the biggest challenges as parents, is to learn to manage our own emotions. In reflecting back, so many of my actions were motivated to control the behaviour of my children, so my irritation, frustration, impatience, anger, etcetera would go away. If they were doing things that were winding me up, instead of me managing that emotion inside me, I would manage them and make them stop. It’s a juggle as a parent. We need to manage our own tricky emotions and manage our children’s emotional states at the same time because they haven’t yet developed the ability to be self-aware, have insight or have the maturity to manage their own emotions. Tough gig.’

‘Noticing changes in routines and behaviours can be a sign kids might be struggling. For example, one of my kids will go very quiet and internalise everything. Another child would be very emotional, aggressive and started wetting the bed. Sometimes sibling fights started up. These were signs I needed to talk to my kids and figure out what was going on.’

This story and more like it can be found in Managing family health and money struggles at the same time.

‘Our children need to see us be honest about our emotions and show them how we process emotions. If they don’t see it and we don’t have conversations about it, they learn stoicism and become avoidant/emotionally unavailable. When my kids were little and I didn’t understand this, if they had a bit of a meltdown (note the judgemental label) in public, I would get in their ear in almost a threatening way and tell them, “We don’t behave like this” and they “better shape up” or they’re in “big trouble”. I used fear to make them suppress their emotions. I would have loved to have gotten down on their level and explained to them that they’re experiencing really strong emotions right now, that I love them, it’s tough to have those emotions, but to reassure them that they will pass and I’m here for them.’

‘One of my children was being bullied at school at one time. It was ongoing and unpleasant. When my son told me about it, we talked about different responses and what to do. I also asked him what he wanted me to do. I brought it up regularly to check in on how he was going with it. He didn’t want me to go into school but he knew if things got out of hand I would. From talking about it with him, I could see he was managing it and he knew I was there for him. The bullying lasted a few months and it was not nice, but my kid got through it and he ended up having a really good group of friends at the school who were all a bit alternative like he was.’

You can find more information about this topic in our bullying resources.

‘I’ve got an ongoing challenge. My child came back [from staying with his father every week] and said, “You’re stupid,” repeating very nasty or racist words. I say: “When you say this, you’re hurting my feelings. Don’t repeat what other people say, use your own brain. Use your own judgement.” I try to talk to my child directly, not giving comment about other people’s behaviour. He gets poisoned. They use him as a weapon against me. I have to find the best way not to hurt my child more.’

This story and more like it can be found in Families responding to racism.

‘We can do activities together that don’t cost money or are cheaper. For example, there are lots of YouTube videos with cultural practices or traditions from our home countries. These kinds of things can help us to connect with our kids, connect with culture, and foster a sense of pride and identity without much cost or leaving the home!’

This story and more like it can be found in Families responding to racism.

‘For example, colouring in one small drawing … you don’t need to play elaborately for hours. Also, pointing out small things to take pleasure in when we were out, like finding the wonder in nature – “Look at the clouds, aren’t they beautiful today?” or “Look at that little plant, isn’t it unusual?” That kind of thing of thing.’

This story and more like it can be found in Tips for families experiencing homelessness.