Supporting children’s social connections in tough times

‘I learned the hard way that it is important to know how to listen to kids. It can be easy to tell them what to do, but we get better feedback if we listen properly and give them a chance to talk without putting our own judgement or ideas onto them.’

‘In the busyness of life, trying to manage everything I have to, sometimes I forget about the kids’ friendship needs, or I think they get enough of it at school. They do remind me though, and will ask me to organise playdates. I need to stop and show interest in who they want to invite, show interest in their excitement about friendships, and find a way to make time. This also means explaining clearly when we aren’t able to (like if we have to work) so they know it’s not their fault.’

‘I usually speak Farsi with my son. I personally am proud of it, it is our language. But my son told me it embarrasses him at school. So I am respectful of his wishes at school and speak English to him. If I forget and speak Farsi, I will say it again in English. I think he was worried that his friends wouldn’t understand what we were talking about. If we are respectful to our children’s wishes we will get respect back from them.’

‘One of the things I learned was not to speak for our children, but to let them speak. My kids have autism and when they were younger they couldn’t verbalise their wishes, and so we had interpret what we thought they wanted for others. But as they got older we kept doing it, and we realised we needed to support the kids to connect with others themselves, and not speak for them.’

‘When we were living in family violence, one of my kid’s ways of staying safe was to completely isolate at school. At the time I was really worried, and the teachers were also worried. When I spoke to my child about it, they said “Mum I don’t want any friends right now, I’d rather read a book.” I realise now, that’s what they needed to do to keep themselves safe. And after some time they actually did end up making some very good friends at that school. I needed to step back and not push. And I had to say to the teachers that was what my child wanted at that time and I had to help advocate for them. I did that by talking to my child and reflecting.’

‘There is often a feeling that kids friendships need to be long, strong, meaningful and go into adulthood. But very often, that’s not necessary. Especially when you’re going through difficult times or you’re moving around a lot. Short-term connections can be just as important as the long ones. At times when we moved a lot, my kids had connections that could go for a few days or weeks, and those were still valuable and just as important as the long ones.’

‘Some connections are really deep, soul connections. But there are others that are about having fun or being silly, that are just as important. Friendship can look like coming together in lots of different ways.’

‘I have noticed my kids friendships can be intergenerational. I’m not talking about grandparents. Kids can connect in a friendship way with people that are older than them. Like an older sibling’s best friend or a special teacher at school. Those kinds of connections can happen sometimes as well.’

‘When my kids were younger, I was president of the community garden. It doesn’t matter what it is, it could be scoring the football game. But it was really important for my kids to see that I was active in the community and knew lots of people in the community in a positive way. It made it easier for the kids to feel like they belonged.’

‘We found that when we were honest enough, people were understanding of our situation and actually could provide help. One time we wanted to book the kids into a school holiday program, and asked if we could pay it off over time, and they were happy to let the kids attend for free. We found when we were brave enough to be honest, we had a lot of fees waived for kids activities. It was still difficult, the kids and us still felt shame and stigma in the community. We shouldn’t have had to feel like that, it wasn’t our fault we couldn’t work.’

‘My son was nervous going out to places he didn’t know anyone. But he wanted to make friends. He had one friend who told him about an anime club at the library. He asked us if he could go, but said he was nervous and wasn’t sure if he wanted to go. We told him he didn’t have to talk to anyone if he didn’t feel comfortable. He could just go and observe. Over time it has evolved and he now enjoys it and is going to another community event as well. His friendship network has grown a lot from that first step of being brave enough to go to that first activity and just watch.’

‘My kids and I are Chinese Australians and we were planning to go to a Chinese community event. I asked my kids how they were feeling about it, and they said they were feeling nervous and unsure. I asked them why they were nervous, because the Chinese community are very friendly and the parents all know each other. My kids don’t speak Chinese very well, and they asked if the other kids there could speak English. They were nervous about feeling excluded. So I told them the other kids might speak English, but it would be a good opportunity to learn Chinese, if they would like to try. I also told them that it is normal to feel nervous in a new group, adults do as well. It’s OK to feel that way. As soon as we got there, all the kids started speaking English between each other. As adults, we speak Chinese so the kids can see that and be connected to their culture, that is important.’

‘One of my children is in the rainbow community. And once when we were living in a refuge, I wanted to find somewhere for them to connect that I knew would be understanding about being homeless, and queer and young. I connected in with their worker, and I also did some internet searching. And I looked through the local council, mental health and welfare organisations, because they often run groups for certain people. Because things were so hard at that time, as a parent I jumped ahead and got all this information and presented it to my child, and they chose to go a group specifically for rainbow youth.’

‘My teenage son said friends, extended family and support workers were important to him. Because he doesn’t have a lot of communication outside of the home, the support workers are giving him that ability to go out and connect in the community, to go to the shops or, interact with staff at the stores, they go out and do stuff together. They are part of his world now.’

‘Homelessness can really upend kid’s connections. When we got to the refuge, I couldn’t expect the kids to make any social connections. It was beyond their capacity. But they had their own kid’s worker that was allocated. What that meant was their worker could work directly with them to expand their own social networks in a safe way. There were programs that they ran for children. Because it was run through a specific children’s worker, I knew they would be safe and it would be OK. I was always aware of the activities they were doing though, and considered if they were safe and aligned with my values.’

‘For kids birthdays I would spend hours and hours looking for presents that were low cost but also really unique. It was one way, when we had no money and the kids were feeling ‘less than’ their friends, that I could help them feel important and have some social status amongst their friends.’

‘We had all our kids parties at home. They always wanted to have their parties out, but we couldn’t afford it. So we would plan ahead as much as we could, and go to a big effort to make nice birthday cakes and throw special parties at home. They were low cost, but we made a big deal to make them feel special.’

‘We try and make time to video chat with family who live interstate. And we have a regular, theme-night dinners for family who live close by. These relationships can be difficult, but we can see the networks and connections are good for the kids.’

‘My daughter is a single mum, and even though it is a huge financial pressure, she books her daughter into OSHC and other activities when she can to try and give her more chances for connection when times are really tough at home. It’s two-fold – my granddaughter gets chances for making friends and my daughter gets some time to rest.’

‘When I was isolated and had no support, I accessed a social worker and found out I was entitled to 13 weeks of free childcare. That was a huge help because I was struggling with family court and I was so alone. I needed time for myself. It was very difficult to start with, but after going for a while, he made friends and enjoyed it.’

‘One of my kid’s closest friends now, he made in childcare when he was young. It was a struggle for us to pay for it, but we needed the break, and the kids needed a break as well and a chance to connect outside the house. We had to give things up: no takeaway, no movies, so we could afford the fees. We had to do free activities like going to the park instead.’