Supporting children when you’re struggling with money

‘We had all these (accommodation) moves and we’d end up in these smaller and smaller places. We were just on top of each other in this tiny little place with stuff that doesn’t work very well or isn’t nice to have. We didn’t have things to do, no money for petrol or busses, crap TV … We’d be grumpy, really feeling it. That kind of stuff where you just can’t escape your situation.’

‘I wanted to be a parent who was always present, parenting in healthy ways. Those were my core values because I didn’t have that as a child. But over time, I got really worn down. My sister, for instance, she’s quite wealthy, and every Christmas she’d send the kids gift cards. I would actually make sure that I got their Christmas cards before they did so I could take out the gift cards so we could use them to buy food. It didn’t bother me that we didn’t have a lot of fancy things, that’s not part of our value system. But it did bother me the way it made me live as a parent, those times of dishonesty, of stress – worn down by it.’

‘I try to hold everything myself; to not put it on my child. When my son was a toddler, he really liked to sit on that machine and you put a gold coin and then it moves. I was thinking $1 or $2 can be milk or a biscuit. So instead, I go: “I can put you in a pram and do a zig zag; I can throw you in the air.” Do things for him so he doesn’t understand the full situation we are in. I gave him an alternative. But it also put pressure on myself. I was exhausted; on the edge. I would cry or get angry so quickly.’

‘I think because of my skin colour, because I’m from the Middle East, people judge me. I’m under the magnifying glass. Someone once asked: “Where did you get your child’s clothing?” And I said: “Op shop”. And they were saying: “Oh that’s not hygienic; it’s dangerous; your child might get sick; how can you do that to your child?” I felt like the worst parent in the whole world. She made a face. I still remember it now. If it was me now, I could respond back. But at that moment I was quiet.’

‘I get really flustered and stressed. I find it hard to stay calm. I don’t want the kids to see me stressing. We had to take my daughter to the psychiatrist. I’m like: “Where are we gonna get this money? We don’t have it.” So we had to do a Centrelink advance, which we’ve gotta pay back so we’ll be down (in funds). Trying to juggle everything and figure out how we’re gonna get the next bill paid. My main concern is the kids and their mental health.’

‘My dad was the main provider and I feel like I’m letting the family down cause I’m not able to do that. But I just can’t, I just don’t have the physical capacity to do it and the mental capacity to do it, otherwise I’d be out there doing it. If I could be healthy and could work full time, maybe we wouldn’t be in such a bad situation. I feel ashamed, embarrassed … all these feelings. Makes me feel like I’m inadequate and I’m not doing a good job. But I am, because I’m trying my best.’

‘I try to be creative. For little kids, they don’t know much about brands or fancy stuff yet. They can be happy with a balloon. Try to enjoy little things.’

Some found that acceptance reduced worries and freed up time and energy to focus on other things.

‘Accept the situation rather than keep blaming and being upset.’

‘Rather than worrying about bills all the time, I try and find acceptance and stay in the present moment. I try and action payments of things as required or able. This doesn’t mean all of a sudden I’ve got the money but it does mean I can take back a little bit of control. I try and watch my thoughts. Worrying and worrying doesn’t improve the situation or make it any better but accepting where you are and taking action when you’re able is helpful. I find this is the best approach.’

‘I remember those times we did stuff as a family that didn’t cost anything. We couldn’t fill our life with material things, so we relied on each other and doing activities and making memories together to make meaning. We were really close and had a good understanding of life and each other.’
Spending special time together can be found in small moments and doesn’t have to cost money, as explained in Raising Children Network’s Enjoying time with children: Tips for building relationships.

A number of us talked about the importance of rituals and routines during difficult times.
‘One ritual we had for many years was our Sunday pancake ritual. Every Sunday we would have a slow start to the day and I would cook a huge batch of pancakes that we would all sit down as a family and eat. This went on for almost every Sunday for years.’
‘Our routine is to have an afternoon tea on the weekend. We might have a discussion or play a card game. It is a time to say what we need to say.’
‘I try to keep a bedtime routine with my son. It helps him know what to expect every day, and it also gives me more time in the evening to myself to try and figure out what supports are out there.’

‘We don’t like doing it, because it’s embarrassing, and it looks to others like we don’t know how to handle our finances. That’s the hardest part. But, we’ve had to put pride aside and ask other family for help.’

‘When we’re really struggling, we’ll try to do something like buy some microwave popcorn and have a movie night at home for some fun, or we pull out the board games and gather the family together to play. We might get out the recipe books and look for inexpensive meal ideas and get the kids to help make the meal. It’s a nice way to work together and show them how to cook on a budget. We try to show the kids that wealth is not measured in dollars, but in love, and that having money is nice, but having a strong, loving family is better.’

‘We try to go to places near us for walks in the park or at the beach, or in the forest or gardens. Just getting out in nature is a nice way to relax and feel ‘normal’  – by way of connecting with feelings of peace and solitude.’

‘My wife and I often forget, and we might accidentally discuss bills in front of the kids. It takes practice not to do this. We realise that this is not a good idea; but we’re trying harder to manage this. When we are trying to figure out the budget, we try to do it when the kids are in bed, or out of earshot.’

‘I was able to bring an awareness of social justice to my family life. When we were able to  –obviously sometimes it’s just too hard. But the understanding that a lot of it was to do with injustice and inequality, and not with us. Just because we don’t have this, it doesn’t mean you are any less. If something came up in the news, if we came face-to-face with discrimination, we’d talk about it. Being cynical, using sarcasm, making jokes … sometimes saying “This is just so ridiculous; how wrong is this, guys?”’